Wasted Too Much Time.

I don’t know why I keep putting myself thru all this hell. I try and have emotions and look on the light side of things and every fucking time it’s a knife in the back. I am not the best friend or the childhood buddy. I am you’re ex husband and we’ve never really defined the ex part. Just that you’ve cast me away. But you want me on the fringes of your life for some reason. I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to want to be that guy. I don’t like seeing you upset or in pain. It’s easier when I’m not an active participant in your life.

It was always easier. But that’s not what I was trying to be this time. But that time will have an ending. And it’s soon. I can’t feel the way I do every time you want to lash out on me. I’m not worthy of that transference any more. It hurts too much to question everything that you think I am every time you pull this.

I am convinced that it’s not longer me being a good enough person for you anymore… it’s the guilt of you thinking you’re not a good enough person for me… I’m still going to try, that’s my nature. I know deep down you’re a good person you’re just damaged and hurt and you’ve taken that out on me, but I’ll fight to stay in your life and you need that right now.

I’m here. Weather or not you or I like it. I’m always gonna be here. This is the path I’ve chosen, I’m going to stick to it.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

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