Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I define manhood simply: Men should be tough, fair and courageous, never petty. Never looking for a fight but never backing from one either. It's time for things that have been left undone for almost a decade to be finished. I have the time, and soon the money to finish university and it is something to be seriously considered. I have for far too long put other things ahead of doing the things that are important in my life to me on a personal and intellectual level but if I am seriously going to re enter my feild and or have any further progress in my life academically I think in at least this instance I need to look backwards for a moment and leave the one unfinished thing in my life come back to the forefront. 9 years ago I made a decision to leave Windsor and my education. In many ways there was a bigger battle to fight, but now as it was then I'm still fighting that battle, I fought long and hard for my education, to be someone, to be an intellectual, to be an academic,

It isn’t good to hold on too hard to the past. You can’t spend your whole life looking back. Not even when you can’t see what lies ahead. All you can do is keep on keeping on, and try to believe that tomorrow will be what it should be—even if it isn’t what you expected. This toy thing is really getting me down, the sooner I can move past it the better, while people both among my freinds who are involved with the community and I trust them, and they have supported me and know the only reason I am doing this and what it truly supports. most of the people involved are untrustworthy, even some so called friends, any time I have involved someone in the whole deal with the cons minus one fucking time I have regretted it. I do not need people being hangers on and thieves because they see that I am making a little cash. They seem to forget that a lot of what I make is not take home, bills to pay, travel for delivery and trucks for the cons, it isn't just as simple as me making a grand

What goes round comes around. And sometimes you get what's coming around. And sometimes you ARE what's coming around I do Not Like waiting in limbo to take the next step of this battle to the fucking forefront. it's time to push fucking forward and end this battle.. i have sat in the trenches waiting for this to end, it's no longer about my life or about anything in this world save the end of this battle and that little boys soul, I don't like staring at the same dark limbo I have been suffering in for what seems like forever, but it hasn't been forever, it's been just over four years, this blog and the memories rattling inside my head that i am trying so hard not to forget.... stand testament to the fact that once upon a time i had a nice life, that it' wasn't all stryfe and conflict, that once upon a time i could find happiness within the seconds instead of just counting down, Hours, Days, Minutes... waiting for the next chess move, trying to pr

I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all. I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. Someday your pain will become the source of your strength. Face it. Brave it. You will make it. Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others-- even when there's not going to be anyone telling you what a hero you are. Have you ever felt despair? Absolute hopelessness? Have you ever stood in the darkness and known, deep in your heart, in your spirit, that it was never, ever going to get better? That something had been lost, forever, and that it wasn't coming back? I have good things in my life, but I have risen from the ashes to have those things in my life... the one thing you have taken away is the one true piece o

Beware the dark pool at the bottom of our hearts. In its icy, black depths dwell strange and twisted creatures it is best not to disturb. A monster is a person who has stopped pretending. Some fucking people in this world have No idea what im fucking dealing with, and all the darkness and anger, to throw my own fucking words and quotes into my face because i won't go in blindly to deal with your fucking bullshit that you're responsible for? it's not about me, why should I give a fuck when I'm dealing with the only true battle of my life, I'm sick of being the fucking martyr when i try to fucking help people... I distanced myself from this shit a month ago... get the fucking point that I have bigger concerns and while at one point I was willing to help, the one person on this burning mud sack of a planet other than me i truly give a shit about other than myself is my son, and that takes priority always. Anyone else, Stay the Fuck out of my way.. I can't save

Heroes don't exist. And if they did, I wouldn't be one of them. What's the point of being a hero when everyone thinks you're a villain? We’re happier when the assholes are villains I'd rather have my darkness on display than claim to be in the light,I have never had a problem playing the villain even when I haven't been one. It's always easier to be the bad guy, because often being the angry bad ass exposes people for what they truly are.. I can stand stoic with my teeth clenched, growling while someone who is a weaker person than i am can and will prove that she herself is a much more pathetic person than I ever will be. My darkness, my blood, my sweat, my tears are always on display, I've lived a hard life and it hasn't always been fun.. there's no denying that... I wanted better for him, not another generation of tragedy, not another little boy growing up in your twisted fairy tale...it was supposed to be so much better than this...I nev

You ball up your fist each time you hear about an unfound injustice in the world. That makes me your brother We stood side by side each one fightin' for the other We said until we died we'd always be blood brothers The fact remains that you are one of my oldest and most solid friends that dates back well over a decade in that friendship, the more nostalgic I get regarding it I remember little things like sending a mick Foley book over seas to England so that you could have a nice day and the fact that every second of my personal pain you have had my back and been a person and place to vent to in my darkest of hours, I'm honored to be your friend, and know that in your dark places I'm there to be the same person and place for you, I have had and will continue to have no problem returning the favor. I just want better things for us both, our grand adventure has only strengthened things between us and it has made my life a little bearable, now when I am staring at t

Demons run when a good man goes to war. Night will fall and drown the sun when a good man goes to war. Friendship dies and true love lies. Night will fall and the dark will rise when a good man goes to war. Demons run but count the cost; the battle's won but the child is lost. I am loading the bullet's into the Gun, Past And present of my life are tied good and bad into whatever is left of my future, but there are things that need to be done and dealt with, there is no time for anything but what remains of the battle, there's no longer a time to be angry, there's No time for it.. there's a single directive one that needs to happen, The war needs to end, Only one of us will be left standing at the end of this... it's time to use all my resources to be that man, it's time to finish this game.... Never give up, never give in.. that will always be my mantra because at the end of this game, and yes Jennifer, anything between me and you will always be a game..

I warred with her, but I was never her enemy. It's getting close to the End, And recent revelations have shown you're true character and how poor of a person that you are...there was a time that I had fucking sympathy and a time you were a part of of my soul regardless how fucking much you've taught me to hate you, that time is over... I don't need to murder your soul it's already gone, you're just a living, breathing husk, And anything I do from this Moment on I do with no emotion for you and your Lifestyle I do for one Reason, the only reason that matters, that little boy... If I'm Going to hell In persuit of that goal, it's a forgone consulsion and I will become the demon you've always thought that I am, but I will do it for the sake of an angel, there used to be rules of engagement, there used to be a standard of Honor I held myself to, I Still have that, But you can't destroy the king in chess when the Queen has already been broken, And

When one has nothing to lose, one becomes courageous. We are timid only when there is something we can still cling to Hell's Kitchen is my neighborhood. I prowl the rooftops and alleyways at night. Watching from the darkness. Forever in darkness. A guardian devil. I am still fucking Standing here, there is Nothing to lose..I may be damned but all that makes me is a flawed Guardian Devil, Trying to do the right thing By my child.. I would rather hide in the darkness and Continue the battle than be told that I cannot...you may have stripped me of everything but the one thing you never took was My honor, I still have that, it's only because of that you were Not exposed earlier, Out of the respect I had for your Mother... I stayed away, while you tore the one thing from My chest that means the most to me in this life... and the next.. i will gladly Go to my death and my rightful place in hell knowing that i did everything I could to fight you for that little boy's soul.. I

There will come a time in your life when you lose something that matters to you. You'll fight for it and you won't win. But what really matters isn't the war you're waging, it's that you don't lose the person you are in the midst of the battle. You don't get it, You don't understand what it's like to live always at war, to grow up with battle and sacrifice. I guess it's not your fault. It's just how you were brought up. I can stare inwardly at every ounce of darkness inside of my soul and know exactly who I am and never lose sight of that and the goal, But i will not lie this War, this battle has consumed me, For me there is nothing else... i wonder if my grandfather, a survivor of the shores of Dieppe ever saw past it... the last man that's part of my bloodline that was a soldier, I wonder what His private pains were like? Was his war anything like mine, Did when he closed his eyes did he constantly see the memories and the battles

When the end comes, I will meet it raging But if there must be an end, let it be loud. Let it be bloody. Better to burn than to wither away in the dark. Another step closer to the inevitable end, and yet so far away, the patience levels have completely melted away and all that is Left is uncompromising fury. this battle needs to end and one way or another it will end at my hand. But I will never go fucking silent into the night, I am prepared for everything that happens to me in this life.. I have No fear of the Hell i will eventually go to, because i have experienced a far worse fire here on earth for the one sin I did not Commit... Damn me for every Sin that i did, but I will Never back down or stop fighting for what Is right, for he who is the most important... I'll go to hell for the things I've done... It reminds me I have still have a fucking soul... unlike some people...But I'll never be damned for the one sin i didn't commit... the battle is now joined and t

I leave this as a declaration of intent, so no one will be confused. One: "Si vis pacem, para bellum." Latin. Boot Camp Sergeant made us recite it like a prayer. "Si vis pacem, para bellum - If you want peace, prepare for war." Two: Nick Coombs is dead. He died with his family. Three: in certain extreme situations, the law is inadequate. In order to shame its inadequacy, it is necessary to act outside the law. To pursue... natural justice. This is not vengeance. Revenge is not a valid motive, it's an emotional response. No, not vengeance. Punishment. I Am going to fucking End You in court. People are Finally on the same fucking page and directed like a bullet right where they need to be.. this isn't about anger, This isn't about my Broken Soul, or the remains of whatever Soul you had left... This Isn't about Revenge even though you may think otherwise.. this Is about his Mental health and his soul, that's it. It's time to load all the b

Upset? Is that the word? I used to get upset. When I got a flat tire, when a plane was delayed. I used to get *upset* when the Yankees won the series. So if that's what upset means, what am I feeling now? If you know the word, tell me because I don't. Things without souls don't get hell. You can't Kill what's already dead inside...i Stare into the blackness and can't conceive in any possible fucking alternate universe, destiny or reality where i would have had your back if things had been different, you are a corpse, breathing but completely Empty without a soul or anything that would make you a humnan being...I've always thought that i was darkest and most corrupted person that i know, but i stand corrected because you don't have darkness... you are just absolute evil supporting an evil that is as great as you, I think maybe once upon a time one day i could have forgiven the first act of betrayal, you were just doing what you thought in your misguid

For your hands are defiled with blood and your fingers with iniquity; your lips have spoken lies; your tongue mutters wickedness. You were born your brothers keeper Why can I see blood on your hands? Their darkness has defeated you Your lifeline running backwards I cannot fucking believe you, you can go to go fucking court for that piece of shit goof and speak on his behalf when he has committed patricide against the one pure innocent soul in your family other than our son, a person who did nothing but see the good in all of us... and you support the scumbag who did it yet you can't bother to have your shit together enough to deal what you need to for your fucking son, a child that was in all likelihood in the house when the fucking piece of shit with no soul arrived with his grandmothers blood on his hands... whatever respect i had left for you was gone the minute i read that let him sleep in your house with your mother's blood on his hands... that was the moment you lo

I like the way you stay on attack No matter what, I keep coming back And how you try to hold me down But you end up driven to the ground Don't want no revenge Ain't no pay back time It ain't called getting even Here comes the reckoning day You see what kills your body but you don’t see what kills your soul. This has never been about revenge, it has always been about protecting my son, something you and your actions have proven yourself incapable of doing. It was fucking great to have a week and a half without your nonsense being the pervasive factor in my life but unfortunately recent events involving both of us have forced my hand and I do need to confront you, your actions and this head on. It bothers me to know that even the OCL Report is invalid because of the things that you're brother and you have done, I may have loved your mother, but there is no love lost between me and you, the simple fact that you defended that price of shit after letting him int