Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Sometimes too much of a good thing is a bad thing, I like hanging out with my freinds but when it's the end of the month and i have things to do and all they want to do is sit around do nothing and want me to hang out with them on my time off it can get annoying, i need some time for my self sometimes, seems I only get that on days i work and most of that day is spent sleeping. Current Mood: Annoyed. If we were faultless we should not be so much annoyed by the defects of those with whom we associate.

He's pretty happy, he got his first real pokemon game for himself yesterday as an early easter present, i'm happy because all my troubles in the world melt away when i'm with him, we had a good weekends sitting around doing nothing... i wishi i had all the time in world, we had a good dicsuuion on how giving someone a hug can make them a hero, he's starting to understand what daddy does for a living a little more.... the rain couldn't ruin the weekend he loves jumping in puddles and the rain, just like his mother and storms i guess.... Current Mood: Happy. When one has not had a good father, one must create one

it's amazing that He knows more about the superhero's than I do, he is a really smart and bright kid and loves his superheros, He is being really well behaved today and is being really really good, he is so well adjested it's very surprising and it seems he is getting smarter every day, i am so proud of him and always will be, i love the fact i was able to have a long weekend with him, he makes all the worlds problems just melt away. Current mood: Happy!!! All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.

Looking forward to this weekend, there are times in my life when i can let all the bullshit just pass me by and deal with what is most important, we are gonna go see that how train a dragon movie and just hang out all weekend, it's been a while since i've had him for an entire weekend and i'm pretty happy about that. I still have questions lingering but as long as everything remians positive it'll be all good, i'd rather be happy than deal with the what if and the what i could have done's. Current Mood: Happiness. Current Music: Wake me when September ends, Green Day We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.

I have never hidden the fact that my life isn't an easy one, and the people besides me are merely passengers on my runaways train, eventually most of my loved ones fall off or depart the train, there simply isn't enough room for them in the dark places of heartache and dispair, I am not one to judge or to be judged however, i make my own personal decisions in my life and for better or worse i see them thru, part of problem is the goals i set for myself decades ago all came true, just not in the manner i expected, the darkness has never left, there have been times when the demon that seems to control my destiny has be allievated by the light but for the most part he's always there, taunting me... there is only one true love in my life and If i succeed in not scaring him away by the time his in a dult i will have done my job as a human being, as parent and as a father, the rest of your are immaterial, i still have some goals, but they wane, i have a materialistic life now tha

I am at a place where I am unsure of Myself, there's seems to be an offer of something out theere but i do not trust it as it would sacrifice everything i have worked hard and towards in the last year, i think that i would rather remain at status quo than take my chances and burn a bridge i'd rather not break, true I am frustrated but I also do not want to be locked into something that i will enjoy even less and end up being even more miserable, i think it's better to stand still then to move if the decision is incorrect. Current Mood: Conflicted. Most of us are caught up in an endless series of inward conflicts and without resolving them life is utterly wasteful and empty.

Blew off some steram last night and feel a lot better, i need to find more productive things to do with my life instead of sitting around at home doing nothing waiting for the winter to end, it's nice that i have been asked to do a second job like my first at another organization but i have a serious question of making the position work with the little one as it's a live in position and i don't think i ever want to expose my son to that, it's hard enough working at my job, doing it day in and day out in a live in type enviorment might not be such a good idea. Current Mood: Renewed. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools

For the first time In my adult life i am feeling trapped, there is very little joy in my life, I am at a job that i can no longer see a bright spot at the end of the tunnel and I don't feel I am actually making a diffrence in my clients life, i just feel like a placeholder, used when I'm need and washed up and forgotten about when I am not needed, as much as i have tried to make a positive out of a negative with all this expected time off in the next two weeks I am expecting less positive emotion from the free time, i still have to sit around on call. In college and ubiversity I felt freeier than i do now, i cannot see anything positive in my life 10 days out of every 14 and that's just fucking sad. I no longer have the freedom to go and do what i want when i want, and given the fact i feel like i'm a placeholder I am feeling like my life has turned stagnant, when I sit around at home and watch TV and go to work and sleep and more TV and more Work and sleep, I had Lofti

So anyways i enjoyed my time with little one and the things that we did, I'm a little disapointed to be going back to the politics and the bullshit nonsense at work , but whatever i have extended break this week so i will discover something to do with my time, spring is here i can sit around and pick up girls and play guitar, who knows, maybe this job interview will add a second job and actually lead me somewhere instead of me looking at a dead end. Current mood: Lame. Current Music: Nirvana, Smells like Teen Spirit. You can kill a lifetime without feeling anything but skin.

He's had an awesome end to his march break we went to the carnival today and by 3 pm he was tired out and ready to go home, it really is only the little things that matter when it comes to him, as long as he's happy when he's with me that5's all that matters to me in the world, no matter what he thinks or what i have to deal with our time together is all that matters. Current Mood: Happy. There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.

I don't know what's cooler, the fact that my son has a jay garrick (golden age flash) action figure or the fact that his mother not me has actually allowed him to have the same interest in superheros that i have always let him have. I'm surpriased because usually anything that even remotely reminds her of me she dislikes, but whatever he's a kid, we are just hanging out for the last few days of march breek and he's being a very good little boy, which is awesome. we watched cloudy with meatballs today and had lunch at mcdonalds. we are thinking of fish and chips for dinner but i haven't decided yet, he's such a happy kid, prettty awesome he has awhole set of Dc Infinite heros. he also likes to draw on his Ds which is kinda cool, I'm gonna get him reading some of the books he got for xmas tonight when we finally make it home.There are as few things as satisying in my life than my six year old son sitting in a library reading comic books quietly, which he i

So anyways, march break isn't a complete clusterfuck, i may actually have some time with my kid anyways...and a few days away from the insanity at work will help as well, it's too bad that things always end up working themselves out at the last minute, seems like that's the story of my life, confusing as hell until it all comes together, go figure, i am feeling a little better at work when i have a positive convo with someone who i had thought had it out for me, when he tells me I'm a good worker and it's just the fact we butt heads because of our personailties sometimes and then shakes my hand after I feel really good and positive evn tho the job get's me down sometimes, maybe i should be like him and approach it less personally, these kids are fucked up sometimes, maybe i can't fix em, at least i can try, but maybe taking it home is a bad idea. Current Mood: Happy. You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will n

My nights are becoming more and more sleepless as I am becoming more and more haunted by the fact that my child is going without and this kids that don't respect me seem to be getting more and more of my time, 97 hours in the last 2 weeks, that's a bit ridiclous, my teeth hurt and my pateince level is at an all time nil, while things seem to be inproving at work in terms of co-worker relationships i am starting to wonder about how respected I am by mangement and If i should really be out there being someone who will shovel the shit and take all the shifts i'm willing to take based on the fact that i don't feel respected and it is taking time away from my little one, don't mind me today, just miserable, march break and no kid, and I know I'm part of the problem. Current Mood: Frustrated. Love is bullshit. Emotion is bullshit. I am a rock. A jerk. I'm an uncaring asshole and proud of it.

Nothing like an 8 am call at work to disintergrate into an argument, I feel so supported by you In terms of my work, i think it might be time to reevaluate our custody agreement.. you are obviously trying to run intereference with my carreer so you can have me safe and sound and under your control, the only problem with that is that I broke free from your mind games and control over 5 years ago and althought I hurt when he's not around you have no affect on me whatsoever other than the minor bouts of anger. It's nice to see the revolving door of assholes continues, such a good example for our child, like I said, when he grows up it won't be me that he hates. I am starting to make serious changes about my work schedule to accomadfate him as this is ridiculous you leaving things till the klast minute to only cancel a weekend visit, by the way i'm fully expecting a text on wednesday or thursday of you telling me you'll be away till friday, I love your mindgames and how

It was nice to have a little vacation and relax for a few days, really got into my new toy and started thinking about things in relative peace, it's actually funny for how much she pisses me off we can actually be civil, not surprising that her bullshit begins when she wants something and therefor attempts to create false leverage. But it's all good, we will see what the break brings us to. Current Mood: Sick. It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.

Still no response from St. Catherines, I'm losing a little bit of patinence with her. obviosly she see me as little more than a wallet and I am in too much pain and exhausted from work to have to deal with her today, i will try calling later, but it's pretty sad that she can't even be bothered to be civil when it's been very obvious lately that i have been working my fool as off, i should have just taken some time off and not worked through the pain this weekend, glad to finally have some time off tho. A day away from the stress and bullshit is good, of course it has to be replaced by her nonsense but as usual that's par for the course, any time I have a little of life's little fuffillments and happiness away from her, she has to do something to ruin my mood, I don't even think she realizes she does it. Current Mood: Annoyed. Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.

Motley Crue - You're All I Need (Official Music Video) - The most amazing bloopers are here Nice to see that even tho i am working my ass off and trying to have child support by working 40-50 hours in the last little while and pay my fucking rent you can't bother to be civil about what you would like to do for march break, but it's not like I exactly expect intelligence from you, it's not like you're the mother of my child or anything, when he grows up a realizes i spent more time raising other's than raising him and realizes who was responsible for that It won't be me that our little person hates. i'm so not impressed by you lately, ignoring my phone calls and playing games, i've just had other things to consider so you've been relagated to the back of my mind, it's funny only this week i actually remebered that once upon a time we were happy together and had a little boy.. but that was a very long time ago... everything changes... I grunt

It's becoming obvious to be i am taking a lot of guilt which feels like survivors guilt at my job, even tho this morning it became very clear to me when other's aren't doing their jobs right they always pass the buck and use me at as patsy to complain about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it, and because i don't complain or make waves unless it is serious or i feel harrassed or threatened i am being picked on by certian of my fellow co-workers. I am not surprised by this given the political climate there, but things are slowly changing, I think my boss realized that today, i had to deal with someone upset about being in the system and and i dealt with it well... I am starting to realize why I am good at this job, even if i carry several personal demons and pain into the job with me. I can be empathetic and feel as they do but still seperate myself professionally and ethically. i remeber what it felt like being all alone in the sytem all too well however. But so

I will be glad when my night shift tonight is over, it feels like i have been going and going and going for over a month... do i really have so little time these days to relax? I haven't felt this burned out since exam week first year of university, of course i wasn't working 12 hour shifts and having my teeth pulled in University either, maybe i should have been, i am really missing Windsor, and i am waiting for the chance to go back. I would love to feel better from this surgery and the root canals to be able to go when i have a huge fucking chunk of time at the end of the month, but as with all my wishes it probaly won't fucking happen. I need my pharmatcuticals, but i have this stupid straight edge mentality when it comes to work to not have my mind clouded by anything but fucking pain when I go in, why can't they just make a drug that makes you smile and all happy when dealing with pain and other peoples bullshit? Current Mood: in pain. Tooth fairies. Black Forest.

My teeth are still being a bitch and it would be nice to sleep some fucking time.. the misscommunication is starting to really piss me off and get me down at work, i was almost ready to quit yesterday, do people not realize i'm fucking nocturnal and i don't sleep normally at work? esp. when i am forced to function by my own choice without prescrption medication because i don't like the effects of the pharmacutical i have been prescribed for tooth pain? some people are fucking oblivious, no fucking wonder i'm burning out fast and hard... this job can't last another year without changes, all my idealism is slowly draining out of my heart, there is only so much you can care about these kids without getting dragged down by the bullshit and the politics, and being laughed at by the stupid pig fuckers doesn't help either. remind me agian why i hate cops? to quote my sister, if you put a kid in a home where others have a criminal record and child is prone to agression

The wisdoms are finally gone and out of the mouth, one less thing on my lists of things to do towards a better me, i need to start taking better care of myself and not let things rot until they turn septic, it was nice to have a 24 hour nap today and yesterday tho, the wonders of modern medicine, now i'm exhausted and have to go to work, oversleeping is usually a bad idea but it erased a lot of the pain. Current Mood: Tired. I find that most men would rather have their bellies opened for five hundred dollars than have a tooth pulled for five.

I am starting to feel as a mere placeholder in my place of employment, i no longer feel my opinions are valid or an important member of the team, I felt the staff meeting today is more about damage control than anything else and I'm feeling worn out by the idea that the politics are overtaking the need to actually help these kids, i don't want to be sacrifing my ethics for a paycheck anymore, it's time to find something else, I should have my son this weekend and I don't because of the considerations of other's are more important than me, a years loyalty doesn't seem to mean shit, but that's the way things are, it's all about the image and apperance of doing something and appearing to be making positive change rather than actually doing it. Currrent Mood: Frustrated. You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determi

A few days off can make anyone a little saner, i am less on edge and less anoyed by the going on's around me now that i have had a good nights sleep in my own bed. life's little concerns still bug the shit out of me but at least i'm not seeing them in all black tones. It's time to enjoy who i am and what i am doing with my life and career. Current Mood: Positive. Current Music: Can I Play with Madness, Iron Maiden. Keep true, never be ashamed of doing right; decide on what you think is right and stick to it.

Police Involvement with a child is never a good idea, it might help and have something to do with improving behavior or it could back fire and send a child that's already bad into a downward spiral that could make him worse... he's already on the brink of insanity due to his issues and lack of understanding do you you really want him going into the correctional system and becoming worse? all that the canadian correctional system teaches us is how to be a better criminal, is this a good idea? once agian i am divided on my loyalties and my ethics.... go figure.At least this the argument is in my head, it's about personal ethics versus professional ones, and the professional ethics win everytime. They have to. Deep down even the most hardened criminal is starving for the same thing that motivates the innocent baby: Love and acceptance Current Mood: Conflicted. Current music: Megadeth, Of Mice and Men. Society prepares the crime, the criminal commits it

Sometimes a change in a day and a change in behaviors and the way that a person does something can change an outlook on everything. I tried something new this morning and it worked. I left work happy this morning for the first time in a very long time. i can see the flaws in the system but they aren't bleeding through the walls the way they are when the shit is hitting in the fan. it's nice to let these guys know that I do care for them, but i still have to make sure that they are taken care of. it's also nice to have a couple of days off. Current Mood: Happy. Current Music: Evanescence, My Immortal Success, happiness, peace of mind and fulfillment - the most priceless of human treasures - are available to all among us, without exception, who make things happen - who make "good" things happen - in the world around them

After 1 solid year at this job the love/hate relationship with my job continues, I am feeling the fact i have worked 5 days straight with one more night to come tonight, it's stressful and taking a toll... i am becoming very much a robot in my personal life, just functional enough to get things done, but very little emotion in doing them.. and it doesn't help when I have a rough morning and get punched in the face at work. I am feeling like this is a lost cause, i make some diffrences in terms of their little lives but some times, some mornings it just seems like an exercise in futility. i really need to be finding other options to fufill my career goals and i don't they will be ever satisfied here, the fact that the politics and the bullshit are dragging down the fact that these kids need help is becoming unbearable. I realized today that it's not just the internal politics it's also the constraints and politics of the System in particular Hamilton CAS and Niagara