Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Once Agian I am leaving windsor, Not quite on a jet plane but on train, I am once agian leaving home, it's nice to come back here for the constant reminder of exaclty who the fuck I am, and who I always have been. there are little things like the car in leddy library that keep me grounded and remind me exactly why I left and what's more important, but knowing that there is alwys going to be the possibility of return to exactly the place i feel most at home is a great a feeling... there are not many places in Ontario where i can be randomly walking up california street and have someone call out my old Nickname and it's someone I know and two minutes later we are cracking jokes about or respective hockey teams... there are reasons i put down roots here, there are reason this was place I went from being a teenager to becoming a serious adult. My responsibilties aren't here but My freinds are. this is always the place that i'm going to come back to, Mostly to remeber

I Am feeling nostaligic and looking back as much as I am looking forward to things... I can remeber that there is always a purpose, there was one when when i was here... there is still one now... not everything has been taken away from me... while the last month has been dark for everyone around that month is over.. the time of mourning is through it's time to move forward... while i may do it with a heavier heart and with conflicting feelings, it still needs to be done... I'm not the One that took everything away... I have safe places to be, I have a history of being the person that I am, I haven't changed, Circumstances around me have.. and that's it... i come here and feel ten years younger... it's been 10 years since the year I had complete freedom and owed nothing to No one because I wasn't aware that i had responsibilties, as I sit on my street and wonder about things, i remeber you not I have always made the choices to do things.... 10 years ago I was fre

It's Nice to be home, Nothing like taking a few days of just doing nothing at all and chilling and seeing old freinds and settling into old behaviors to distract from the ongoing darkness in my life...I was at my best here, and I still fit the mold, I could go back to the person i was in an instant, thing's havent changed here for me like they have everywhere else... my social circle was and is here, these are people that stand by me all thru my life, just like my family members...this is where I grew up and I could eaily slip back into being a university student and hanging out In a millisecond and finish things left undone If i chose to.. there are always going to be options here for me... I know exactly why i left but I also know this will always be a safe place and even more this is a safe place should I choose to return after the battle is over with what i hold most precious.... This is home... I know that regardless of anything that happens now in the rest of my life i c

Not sure if you are the One saying hello and goodbye, but I hope that you are reading this and know that the event of the last month have changed my perspective on things and that there is some forgiveness still within my heart... there are still a lot of things that are broken but If you want to change things and try and fix our fractured family that decision is up to you...I will always stand here waiting, when i am asked to I will even stand tall for you, even if i have to do so gritting my teeth, but right now My actions are just for the right reasons and I am willing to find a peaceful solution, all you need to do is reach out, regardless of our wars and the hell we've caused each other we are still family.. you are still the mother of my child, and I will defend you to my dying breath, and our child... forever. the decision to change the current Course of action is up to you.... Current Mood: Sad. I'm not a villain, I've never hurt anyone. I'm just a tawdry c

There are few things in this life i Give a damn about about but one of those things is the only reason I am still standing after two years of strife standing tall and Not about to walk away from Him, ever... I may hate is mother with every part of my being, but at the end of the day the only thing that matters is being that wall of sanity between me and her for that little boy, these games cannot continue forever, the longer this continues the easier it is for the cracks in the foundation start to crumble and the foundation of your lie starts to fall...I will always be here, standing Here for him, it breaks my fucking heart with everything in your life that has happened recently that i cannot be the one standing tall supporting him thru these dark times, but that has and always be his mother's choice and the events that she alone set into motion. I will stand tall and Always be here... that is right now what I can do.. I will never stop fighting.. I will never let myself be defeat

It has been over a fucking decade since i walked away from you,ten years.. you should have been dead and gone from my life then, You Have a Month to grieve But after that all of the fucking bets are off, yesterday was a slap in the fucking face, i have not fucking forgotten the fact that you have destroyed both my life, heart and Soul and My career... I should have be free of you in 2003, you're fucking choices back then and your decisions alone are your responsibility I should not be dealing with them ten years on... there is only one reason I do and that Is because of my strength of character and because I love that little boy... there are easier ways to destroy a man, but i told you a long time ago that i would never fucking walk away...I will not wear this albatross around my neck the rest of my life and You will have No quarter past this Month, I cannot forgive nor can I ever forget... I no longer have any Patience for you, you set this chain of events into place and created

I have bought you a month of peace at great personal cost to my self, this is the only quarter that you get... If it makes me the villain I am perfectly Fine with that... I still need to move forward in my life and make the wrong things right... i feel sorry for your loss and wish i could fix it and fix you but i cannot... i can only buy you a little bit of time and give you peace so that you can rebuild, but i can't forget that you destroyed me over two years ago.. and I cannot forget you have taken me away and out of that innocent souls life's for the last two years... It is only out of concern I have allowed you the peace i have given you, and I may leave doors open to a more peaceful solution than I have in days past, but there is still things that need to be answered for and I won't ever walk away... just because I am a compassionate man does not mean that i forgot, right now I may have forgiveness in my heart but that won't last forever... i'm the man I'v

I should Not be fighting a battle to protect you in you're darkest of hours...yet here I am fighting that battle so that you and that child are allowed your time to mourn and I am not going to be the harbinger of more doom onto you're life right now...I Cannot imagine how you feel, only that I know exactly how I feel, and I know that right now I need space from all this..you have the time to mourn and I will stand by you If i am needed because under that dark hole that you have left inside my chest still lies compassion and love for one of you, and one of you is someone I used to love... right now that has to be enough, it's all i can give you until you actually decide to ask for support.. but i will make your path either for the next month or so..this is a time for forgiveness not a time to seize and attack you at your weakest.. maybe one day you will understand what i am sacrificing....but I should not have to fight a battle to allow you some peace of mind in these dark

I am trying to decide what is the right thing to do right now, as my loved ones regardless of the situation need time to mourn i feel the last thing i need right now is to be on the offensive and attacking them, i have given direction to the people i can directly make answer to me for the moment... as much as i have anger towards certain members of the dark shadow that i call my heart... Regardless i will protect you even from me in your darkest hours... there's is no quarter and No reason right now to attack you when you are down and I will not let things i have put in motion affect you in your weakest moments... I am not that weak a Man.... it's time for you to heal... every thing else is fucking secondary, One day maybe you will look back on silence and realize the true test this was for me... and the character of a man I truly am, this is out of concern and love for you both, and the fact that I feel as helpless as you and If I was there regardless of our past and every an