Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

If you live your life to please everyone else, you will continue to feel frustrated and powerless. This is because what others want may not be good for you. You are not being mean when you say NO to unreasonable demands or when you express your ideas, feelings, and opinions, even if they differ from those of others. For the moment regardless of anything else I do in my life, I am staying put. I may hate it here but I have always had options to move on elsewhere since I returned to the 905, I haven't. Esp. The last five years because there are things here that need to be dealt with, need to be accomplished. It's not a question of if they need to be dealt with, it's a question of when. It's always been a question of when. There are things I don't walk away from, things that are important. If I'm told to choose, I consider my options carefully. If I'm forced to choose between them and other things I choose to run. I can take care of myself that's never be

When you know what a man wants you know who he is, and how to move him. I'm grateful for those than have support me and that have always had my back, but the reality is that some of those people that said they did had an agenda and those are the ones I'm angry at for the moment, I hate being in this place where all I can fucking see is anger and depression, but like I said to a friend, I don't internalize anything, I'm not suicidal, I'm homicidal. I just don't act upon it or if I was a fucking vengeful and not a patient man I wouldn't be standing here give years on not acting on my every impulse...it's not time for that last car ride into a fucking blaze of glory, not just yet, I still got shit to do, things left to accomplish. But you don't want to be around me or even be someone that has my back when that day comes... Everyone in this world eventually disappoint you, that includes me. I'm just gonna disappoint everyone eventually in a big fuc

Sometimes, when we want something so badly, we fear failure more than we fear being without that thing. Men are not afraid of things, but of how they view them. The harder you fall, the stronger you rise. When it's all said and done, I think the reality of me being a helper and caring and having empathy for people is gone. It's fucking done. It's a lot easier to be the mercenary and only take care of myself. caring about others always gets me burned in the end. It's time to stop caring. It's gotta be about me first from now on. You can't trust anyone but yourself. I don't have time anymore for anyone. I remember exactly who has crossed me... Eventually everything comes out. I don't get taken advantage of. I'm the intimidating one, not the other way around. I don't forget people and I do not forgive. It's funny how so many people have crossed me and taken advantage but because there is more to my personal agenda than settling scores an

Compromise where you can. Where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, 'No, *you* move'. I'm not self destructive except when I want to be, however at the moment I am fucking destructive, I pick fights I can handle and I take on bigger fights than I can handle. One of these days I am going to turn into a real self destructive person and when that day comes, look out, because I might implode, but I'll take every one of my fucking enemies with me. I promise you that. I've had five fucking years of fighting this battle, I know how to play chess with psychopaths, at this late stage I shouldn't fucking have to. The fact others are being affected because no one in the system wants to play by the rules they are supposed to follow. There's a reason I fight every battle head on and

But men often mistake killing and revenge for justice. They seldom have the stomach for justice. Vengeance, retaliation, retribution, revenge are deceitful brothers—vile, beguiling demons promising justifiable compensation to a pained soul for his losses. Yet in truth they craftily fester away all else of worth remaining. It's fucking funny and amusing how things happen, and it's a testament to the fact that I am a better man than others when I see someone I've wanted to beat the crap out of for the last two years and I turn the other cheek for the moment. Only for the moment, I'll give a person one chance and only one chance, but when you've already double crossed me I have got no reason to believe anything else. You're lucky that there are bigger things in my life at stake rather than toys and money and drama. I don't forget and I don't forgive, you gave me your word that you would make this right, well see, I have low fucking expectations. But, th

You know, if you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything, wouldn't you, at any time? And you would achieve nothing! I think one of the most frustrating things in my life is the fact the last few years have completely altered our belongings to the point where the things I have for him are completely different and only a handful of important things remain, but it was either that or have a lot of junk that was worth money, I'm happy with my decision and more than that, I know I can afford to replace anything needed. I'm less miserable than before but that's because things can change in a second and a big deal is right around the corner, but it's not predictable as to when anymore, and there is not much left so the options we have at this point are dwindling. I have set my mind to walk away once, soon the last of it will be liquidated online and all that remains will be the things I choose to keep for him. It just goes to show the fac

We cannot avoid meeting great issues. All that we can determine for ourselves is whether we shall meet them well or ill. The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly. When I put something or someone in my rear view mirror permanently, i do not look back. I made that mistake only once in my lifetime. It was a bit odd that yesterday I wasn't somewhere I normally would have been. But these last few years have to stand for something and I can't sell everything away just because it's fucking money. It means something, victory or failure I'm not sure yet, but the one thing I know for sure, it's enabled me to stand and fucking fight on my own two feet, on my own terms the last few years, either the last of it stands as a monument to a relationship taken away or it is the last of a memory that should have been shared. It means something, it will always mean something. I am a lesser ma

You're the kind of evil that doesn't realize it's evil...the worst kind of evil there is. People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. It's people who claim that they're good, or any way better than the rest of us, that you have to be wary of. I don't know how to back down from anyone. Even if I was afraid, I'd still challenge things. That's the only way I work. It's about survival and not fading away, I need to be here for my kid, he needs to know that I never fucking backed down, regardless of how much easier the world would be if I let her win. That's not how I operate, it's never going to be about me, it's about her, my son and more than that it's about my ongoing history with the society. They know they have enemy, one that they have created. I know exactly what the fuck there agenda is, and I've never hidden mine. This is war, it's always going to be war. We are criminals, we'v