For the moment regardless of anything else I do in my life, I am staying put. I may hate it here but I have always had options to move on elsewhere since I returned to the 905, I haven't. Esp. The last five years because there are things here that need to be dealt with, need to be accomplished. It's not a question of if they need to be dealt with, it's a question of when. It's always been a question of when. There are things I don't walk away from, things that are important. If I'm told to choose, I consider my options carefully. If I'm forced to choose between them and other things I choose to run. I can take care of myself that's never been in question, but when I'm doubting my attachments to both my current life and my former life, from some of them, it's time to run. When I am reminded of the situation I was in, 15 years ago... It's time for me to run screaming. I never want to fucking go back to that ever with anyone.i can only do so much until I know I'm being used. Some people choose the easy and lazy path, the quick fix. I've always chosen the long road. It gets shit done and it gets it done properly, but sometimes my legendary patience fails me, and it becomes something used against me, just like my good-naturedness. When it becomes just about me, that's a bad place for anyone in my orbit to be around. When they have put me into that position it's an every worse place to be. When I am placed in a position where I am powerless and can only ask for things to be done for me, that's the worst place to be. Even more so when I'm the one fighting a battle that Pandora's box opened again. Sacrifices have been made and choices as well this last year. All I've been doing for the last 5 years is sacrificing and surviving. Every time it gets comfortable I end up losing. I'm frustrated that what has been sacrificed for, was all for naught. It figures that some things that I once might have thought as bigger than me, things that shook me to my foundation and ideals, it's always going to disappoint me. That's how things are. It doesn't matter if you care about other. The system always wins. They destroy you and everything you care about. And they divide and conquer you from all of your loved ones. That's how it works. I don't look back in my life for a reason, but right now all the old familiar notes are fuckin playing. I'm not built to be a part time breadwinner estranged from my family, and I shouldn't be expected to be that, not yet. Guilt trips about responsibility suck, when others constantly don't bother with theirs. I don't like not being able to be responsible for things, I like it even less when I've been taken advantage of and all I get is fucking excuses. This whole bullshit with the toys started to get rid of them, and then it was a means to an end to pay legal bills, now it's something else. It's been a monster in my life for far too fucking long. It's gotta be done. Whatever's left can be locked away and left for my kid. A memory that he never got a chance to experience. That's where I gotta be with it to make peace with myself. Whatever's left, it's time to stop completely, this fucking thing has been a demon on my back. The money doesn't matter anymore. It needs to stand for something more, otherwise what the fuck was the point? It's just unfinished business, limping along until it's all gone. As far as I'm concerned it's all gone now. I need to move onto the next stage of my life, and I will be honest, I don't know who will be coming with and who will be left behind, but I will be honest, there will be changes in my life, answers in the next few months will be forthcoming, this war I have fought for far too fucking long will see the ultimate battle, I don't expect it to ever end, but I do expect it to fuckin change. People and there actions will always be defined by what they do, not what they claim or say. That's all I am waiting for. I will have some hard decisions to make in the next little bit and I don't know what my next step will be, but I know I will have some answers and my life will fucking change agian, that's my choice. I always make choices in the long run with what is best for me... I'm sick of sacrificing for others, I'm sick of others taking fucking advantage, I'd rather have nothing and be happy then have everything and be miserable. Right now all I know is misery and strife, this shit never made me comfortable, it just made me more miserable and confirmed my lack of faith in people, everyone is only there to take advantage. If you have something to offer, expect to get fucked over.... That's how every fucking story ends. Everyone has an agenda. That's not an illusion. That's how the fucking world works. Good, I have an Agenda too, I'm just fucking sick of fighting alone....and make no mistake, I am fighting alone. I don't have time in my life for people that are only by my side half way. One of the worst feelings a man can have in this life is feeling disposable, I know I've experienced it too fuckin much. First as a child, then as an adult, there is only one reason I feel anything, maybe even a tinge of guilt, is because I know what it's like to be disposed, what it's like to be easily forgotten, friends, lovers, co workers, business partners, everyone does it, sooner or later you are no longer of any use to them, and they walk away or leave, I'm good at forgetting people too, but then again I never let myself get attached enough to care, and the few times I do, it still ends badly, so maybe it's time to just stop. If I'm disposable and expendable I might as well be fucking alone and accountable only to myself. I don't have the time and the fucking money to be responsible for other people's mistakes. I can't take care of other people either, I'm nobody's savior, not even my own. All the familiar old behaviors and emotions are coming back, and back then, the dynamic was different and I was treated like the junior partner because I probably was one, doesn't mean it can account for her treating me like shit and trying to control me for the last sixteen years, but I will be damned if anyone else try's to control me... I can very easily take care of myself alone and fight my battles, I have watched everything important to me turn to dust on more than one occasion... That's nothing new to me... I just didn't expect it coming again, not in the so familiar of ways... I thought I had grown smarter, I thought I was better than this, but then again, there was a choice made, let's see where that choice takes me, I'll be defined by my actions and all of the others in my life will be judged upon thiers, and I am already making some concrete decisions about where I stand with some of them.... And where some people in my life won't be fucking standing come the aftermath. I'm sick of the game playing and the frustration. It's about what is left in my life and what's falling apart. I'm sick of being taken advantage of and the amount of laziness that surrounds me in this life. I'm not sure anymore how little I care but when it becomes time for a change I usually don't make them politely. Remember that.
Current Mood: Depressed.
Current Music: Guns and Roses, Estranged.
Frustration of mind can be revel through writing something even if it will be never read.
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