Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Happy 14th birthday son. I miss you and I miss the fact I am not there to watch you grow into a man, things are coming and the new year will hopefully change things...I just hope the one thing you will one day know is I never gave up, nor will I. It just sucks not being there to give you you're gifts. They are still here. I hope you had a good birthday anyways and had fun and are happy. That's all I ever ever wished for you. Love, Dad. You will travel far, my little Joshua. But we will never leave you... even in the face of our death. The richness of our lives shall be yours. All that I have, all that I've learned, everything I feel... all this, and more, I... I bequeath you, my son. You will carry me inside you, all the days of your life. You will make my strength your own, and see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father, and the father the son. This is all I... all I can send you.

All the things that I done, memories, they never hurt me. But the past, it's more than memories. It's the devil you sold your soul to. He's comin'. He's comin' to collect. I am sick of waiting, I know that I cannot do this on my own, but when the odds are stacked against me and all i am doing is waiting for an answer, maybe it is time to do it on my own. I know I will fail alone... but I'd rather fail alone, in the trenches with no support, of any kind.. than to sit here comfortably and say i stopped fucking fighting because it got too hard or i couldn't get the help i need. I have patiently waited. I'm going to wait a few more day and then regardless it's time to move this forward.. almost seven years have been taken away, and we are reaching a critical moment in his life. I'd rather have him know that i never backed down and never stopped fighting, and lost than realize i walked away because in the interim short term she won a hollow vict

You know your ancient Greeks? They understood that war is a god. A god that requires human sacrifice. And in exchange, war gives man purpose. Meaning. A chance to rise above his petty mortal little self. And be courageous. Noble. Better.. I'm done being pateint and waiting and I'm done with the summer, it's time to go back into the mouth of hell and finish this one way or another.. no more stalling no more waiting.. i did so with a reason and a purpose but for every second ticking away it's gone on too long.. it's time to go back to the war and finish it. I feel stronger than i have in a while and I needed the break from it, but a man cannot ignore his responsibilities forever, and thats what's truly important, this is going to be an interesting week and i don't expect to play nice anymore.. this needs to end, i need to go back to having a normal life and for that i need to see the light or lack thereof at the end of the tunnel. being stuck angry in time

If you are clever enough to bring destruction upon me, rest assured that I shall do as much to you. If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for. So we are back at square fucking one, but at least we have an answer of exactly where things stand.. and given that everyone i didn't trust have passed the buck as per the fact that it's not there problem, as expected we are out of limbo but going back to the bullshit that is the family court system, however this time it's going to be a stronger case and i am not listening to anyone but myself after being screwed over by that asshat lawyer who looked after his own interests and never my own or my sons... this time however the gloves are fucking coming off.. i have no problem and no issue playing dirty, you've ripped me to the fucking bone.. it's time to return the fucking favor.. everything comes in at this point, i can't have any patience or remorse or mercy... the being nice and patient and p

I don't have time for political nonsense over fuckin toys, I have real issues and real interesting things to do in my life. Every time I have a fucking tinge of regret about quitting the toy game, some asshat reminds me how worthless dealing with the Toronto area toy scene and the clique is. I don't fucking miss it. I could have attended the entire con and had some fun but I'm sick of dealing with the politics. It's easier to not bother and focus on the other things in my life. For the most part I hated when I was involved in it, why the hell should be any different now. Some of these people whose whole life is this plastic junk are pathetic. Me it's just something hidden in my closet that once in a while is neat to add to when I have a few extra bucks. But the reality is that they are fuckin toys, for children and I'm not going to play political games with grown ups over this crap. It's in my rear view mirror for a reason. But I won't complain about go

I get to do things that make me happy. It sucks that's he's not here at my side, but his absence does mean I stop living. I still have good friends and I enjoy myself. I just wish on some of these adventures he was by my side. I love my family and freinds that enable me to do cool things like having great seats at Metallica at skydome last night, and I've completely lost my voice screaming along.. Worth it, I might hurt all over but last night was worth it!!! These are experiences that would only be made better by having things be better. But it was an incredible night and probably a highlight of my life. I can deal with the lack of a voice for a few days. I appreciate the freinds that helped me get there too on Saturday!!! It was an amazing weekend. I have some great people in my life... I gotta remember that more often when I'm darkness and despair and anger mode... There are times in the darkness where there is light and happiness. Current Mood: Happy

You've wounded me. I give you full marks for that. But, like the man said, what doesn't kill me... just makes me stronger. I did not start this war. But I will finish it. Figures, today it was a Paperwork snafu, No surprise there, not that i had any real time to prepare for those that have passed the buck... gotta love when it comes down to it, a little boys relationship with his father isn't worth spit to the professionals. Expected. there's only one voice speaking out for my son and that's me... and I'll keep coming.. if six years hasn't taught you anything or the 17 preceding that, it's the fact that I don't know how to fail, even in my deepest darkest doubts and despair, I'm still standing, still here fighting. I have no illusions that there is going to be a winning side to this, it's never going to end, not until my boy is a man, this will be drawn out another four years, as long as she can manipulate others... that's the game. e

War is not heroic. War is not exhilarating. It is dark. It is dreadful. It is a thing of sorrow and gloom. That is why people fear war. That is why people choose to avoid it. If I intimidated you then I did my job to get this going in the right direction. I'm not about to stop or backdown. This has always been about me and you, and not him. Somehow, somewhere, someone needs to change that. I've got a mean streak a mile long and I am never going away. The knowledge that you fear and are intimidated by my is merely empowering and shows exactly who is truly in the wrong here. It's a chess game and I'm in for the long haul. You are not the only one that knows how to play the long game. You want to throw curveballs? Cool, I can deal with that. I'll start throwing punches. I'm not backing down from you, your friends or anyone. It's time for the long game, you know how to play it better than anyone, but I've been playing this game with you just as long.

You can figure out what the villain fears by her choice of weapons. Nothing frightens me. I AM fear. Last week was telling, how ever much I am frustrated by the family court system, I am not intimidated by it, And I am not afraid of it or you... however, you Fear me, which has much more to do with what you have done to me than anything that I have done to you.. that's telling... it's noticeable when others realize that this has been going on over a decade. No one, least of all my son should have any reason to fear me, but you, you have plenty, and it's all about you're emotions over the tangled web you have weaved.. you barely exist in my world except when you have to... i sleep very well at night knowing that you don't. I intimidate you, and i give you reason to be scared, and that's not in my character at all... so how have i become the boogeyman in your mind and how much of that have you poisoned my son's mind as well? Their is no blood on my hands

I know, because I was like you once. Bitter. Alone. Mad as Hell. But I didn't let it consume me. I put it to work. In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them... I destroy them. I make it impossible for them to ever hurt me again. I grind them and grind them until they don't exist. Somehow I always knew at some stage of the game I would be standing alone, but I am still standing. Now it's time to put thoughts and plans into motion rather than letting someone else dictate the course of action. I was dangerous before, but let off the leash of someone Else's muzzling of me? I'm that much more dangerous, and I'm never going away or backing off, I'm just turning up the volume. I've g

We cannot be sure of having something to live for unless we are willing to die for it. When one wonders if he should take the law into his own hands, that's not a safe environment for anyone involved. It doesn't fucking matter I have to continue, with or without assistance. I am never fucking backing down. But I am not happy that one of the people that I trusted to handle this case for the last six years has unequivocally fucked me.. The writings been on the wall for years... And this particular course of action was not unexpected... But it still fucking sucks. But I've been alone against the world before, so be it... For the sake of my son, I'd fight the denizens of hell. I'm not giving up, I'm not backing down. I don't give a fuck if I have to do it alone. Even at the point I lose faith and stop giving a shit, I don't back down and will not back down. This is my burden, my battle and my cross to bear. It has to be done... It cannot be abandoned. It

War is like a monster," he says, almost to himself. "War is the devil. It starts and it consumes and it grows and grows and grows." He's looking at me now. "And otherwise normal men become monsters, too. You know what sucks? Waiting. You've already shown your true colours... But thanks to an idiots own self interest we have to start over... It's going to be an interesting fucking month, it's going to be an interesting aspect of the next step of the war. Things aren't over, not by a long shot... It's just time to re evaluate and see where the fuck things are going... I have very little patience for people or the process at this stage.... Once it was all about ending the game, not having it last forever, now I have to make that choice. Is it going to go on forever if I start it agian or do I let her actions damn herself and allow myself to fade into memory. Sadly, I already know the choice my sheer force of will will end up making... The only

I may be on the side of the angels... But don't think for one second that I am one of them. I have no love lost for this holiday. It only brings up anger and sadness. The only reason I note the passing if this holiday is because it's another holiday stolen from me, another day, another experience missed. That's what's been taken away. That's why with my dying breath I am in the this fight. For the long run if I have to. There might not be and end, but there will be an ending.it pisses me off how much I have sacrificed and will continue to sacrifice for as long as I have to. It's a I nessacary evil but it's a constant pain in the fucking ass. I shouldn't have to fight and struggle as much as I have. But as long as I make him the only priority with no distractions, hopefully one day it will be worth it. It just feels so hollow right now. I miss my kid, it should never have come to this... And the weight on my shoulders is doubled thanks to certain re

Crazy people always think they're perfectly sane. It's what makes them so crazy; their entire delusion lies within the fact that they believe they aren't deluded. At the end of the day this is a battle between me and you over heart and the soul of our child, period, everyone else is just a pawn in the fucking game.. there is some sweet vindication to knowing that when you're next opening chess move was to burn another bridge and show your true colors... Nothing's over yet but i am a lot less angry and a lot more determined than i was yesterday..... and that's due to your decisions shortly after court, there has to be an end to this and I think that you are doing what you have always done and been fucking predictable, and this time it's going to blow up in your face... the walls are falling down and you are cornered, and the best part, you're doing it to yourself. I had no part in the decision you made yesterday.this needs to have an ending and i think

And now...farewell to kindness, humanity and gratitude. I have substituted myself for Providence in rewarding the good; may the God of vengeance now yield me His place to punish the wicked. Who benefited today? My wishes and concerns were not heard, and we are back at fucking square one... with nothing to show for six year of hell. I objected to this course of events and was still forced into a fucking corner, with No options, and even less than I had before. I am glad that I made sure that my objection was heard in court and I expect the next step of this to go exactly as predicted. I trust no one and even those that are supposed to have my interests as well as my fucking son's in mind fuck me over what I told him to do.. I want to see that bitch on the stand.. I want to see her testify... It's about a pound of flesh, I understand that the family court system is far beyond broken but she should not be able to spend almost every second of his life preventing me from being

It was the sort of anger that comes to a slow boil inside the hearts of good men who want justice, and finding it out of their grasp, decide vengeance is the next best thing. I'm sick of all the players and pawns in this chess game. Maybe at this point it's time to take some of the pieces off the table and clear the board. At the end of the day it's a king vs a queen trying to protect the other king. Maybe this long in the tooth, it's time to go down to the fucking basics. Me vs. her. This has to end, and if there are people that are just pawns, or with divided loyalties... Or personal agendas, I don't need them. Or want them involved. I want my pound of flesh, I want her on the stand in court, I need to see her squirm, I need to see her testify. If hope is gone, I have no problem settling for vengeance. Current Mood: Determined. Some justice, though did not deal with kindheartedness or good feeling toward others. No, justice had a darker side, a gray area

In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself within a dark woods where the straight way was lost. I am uncomfortable with the fact i feel I am being bullied to decision that is not the correct path for me or my child because another person does not have my interests or my child's at heart, only his own. I am unsure of the reasons but I do know that the longer i consider it, the longer i am convinced it is not the correct course of action, and that it is being done for selfish reasons and it is no longer likely that i will agree to it. i believe that it leaves with fewer options that before and leaves me and this entire case vulnerable.. as much as i am prepared for this to end badly, i do not feel that making the decision to end this as it stands now will have anything other than an adverse effect on my case and my life and i do not trust the person pressuring me into making this decision, I need to consider options and decide for myself.. I have lost faith in the pro

In every man's heart there is a devil, but we do not know the man as bad until the devil is roused. i am fucking fed up with being talked down to by people who arent even fucking listening, thats my money in fucking play that i had to fucking scrape upa and fucking borrow.... this is me and my sons life on the line and another long story bullshit about nothing is now confidential after the last few months being top secret and confideintial due to the culture of confideinetality in this fucking province... this is the end game for her.. i'm only willing to play ball for so fucking long.. he's been gone 6 years.. i am not under any fucking reason going to delay court anymore. fuck that shit... we go to trial. this is a game and this is just another way of her using pawns to not get to the fucking end game, well for this time i say too fucking late... i'm out of patience and it's not my life on the line.. it's my sons... that's all its about.. but this was

It was like when you make a move in chess and just as you take your finger off the piece, you see the mistake you've made, and there's this panic because you don't know yet the scale of disaster you've left yourself open to. Sometimes I have to do things like tonight to remind myself that I am normal and just angry and depressed and driven once in a while to maintain my sanity. it hopefully will be the lasttime i attend something like that without my son and his presence was felt and missed tonight.. we will see what the next month or so goes, but tonight would have been an experince he would have enjoyed, and i really missed the fact he wasnt there..seeing something that i have been into snce i was a child and shared with him before,i really missed him tonight. hopfully tonight is the last time i do something epic and interesting without him,the next few months will prove the reality of that. i needed to recharge and tonight helped with that. it was nice to see som

War, they say, is the answer of those who have no arguments left. I'm not going to listen to anyone give me a fucking lecture on what I should and should not do when I'm fucking starving to make sure I have cash for my kids counselling. It will be there, I don't give a damn how in the fuck I get to it, but if you aren't willing to do your fucking job and take care of your end if the deal, don't expect me to keep trying to get blood from a stone... I will always find a way, but that way usually ends up with me in deep debt and with no further uphill than I was before... This is a war of a attrition and it's a war if minor moves, but when someone supposedly on my side is telling me how and when to move... That's not going to go over when there's almost an outright refusal to do anything, and it's been like that for six fucking years, I can't continue to crap out every dime I have to fight this war if I don't have back up and if you're vi

One of the greatest evils is the foolishness of a good man. For the giving man to withhold helping someone in order to first assure personal fortification is not selfish, but to elude needless self-destruction; martyrdom is only practical when the thought is to die, else a good man faces the consequence of digging a hole from which he cannot escape, and truly helps no one in the long run. Maybe people haven't noticed lately, but I have no qualms and no regrets being the villain of there particular horror story, as long as my ethics are better than there's and I don't back down and I do what's right, I don't have any fucking guilt from others who care only about themselves when I walk the fuck away....I've never been anything but the bad guy in some peoples minds so I've adapted to that being my defining characteristic, I'd rather be your enemy than you're Freind the way that some people in my life have fucking treated me... And that goes double fo

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain. ..It's your move now, but we are at the end game... everything has happened as expected and all it was is another way to stall time and to continue to play the fucking game... a game I am tired of... I can predict you're next move and I know exactly what it will be...

Prisons are full of sociopaths and psychopaths, but when questioned, the imprisoned sociopath will honestly admit that they will commit any number of crimes to help a friend. A friend will help you move; a true friend will help you move a body. A friend will bail you out of jail; a true friend will be sitting beside you. Who wouldn’t want to have a true friend? But they sound a lot like a sociopath. It was a fun and interesting trip in the winter and I am sad to see him go, i owed him a large favor and it has been repaid, and i have responsibilities i ignored for a few weeks but it's time to go headlong into that, it is nice to make memories when i can, and while it will never replace the adventures with my kid... it is cool to spend time with my friends from all over the fucking world on my turf.... especially when i owe the man a debt i can never fully fucking repay.. but i tried. i hope he enjoyed himself and that my moody anti social nonsense wasn't too much... I

A waiting person is a patient person. The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us. Its almost over regardless of the next step. there is only so many chess moves left, i have no expectations that anything will change but im going thru the motions, the last move is checkmate not the stalemate that i have endured the last six fucking years.. it's just a matter of how we get there.. but the game has only started to end, but this time.. i have to make the right moves. it may feel like a pain in the ass, and it may causese some hardship at a time of the year when i have fucking nothing.. but thats all part of her plan, and its something i can use.. i just have to play ball one last time.. and let her manipulate herself into a corner. shes very good at that.. and it works to my advantage.. i just have to end the game.. and the end is near. Current Mood: Determ

We are all born to love people and use things. Unfortunately, we grow to love things and use people... I'm sick of freeloaders and fakes that think they can get something for nothing from me, I'd rather have an isolationist attitude than fucking deal with people who cry pauper every fucking time they have drama in their lives... I'm not taking care of others anymore. I'm fed up with doing so. It shouldn't take a fucking year to recover items or money from deadbeat assholes. It's very interesting at the end of the fucking day when you need help, whose actually there and who is the fucking albatross around the neck. I'm sick of so called friends freeloading off me and doing fucking favours and being patient. I have a war to fight, I have battles to fucking win. I'm fed up with white trash that takes advantage just because they think they can. It's not just one person either, it's a mentality of entitlement and I shouldn't have to beg for wh

You think because I'm willing to use the enemy's tactics, that they're no longer my enemy? There is a strong possibility that I might be able to see the end of this... but coming off the last few weeks I don't have any more patience for anything getting in my way, and I'm holding everyone accountable.. all of those that owe me money, the people that claim to be my supports, the friends and Family that supposedly have my back except for the most part when I really need it and they don't.. this is the time for judgement and for battle.. I am at war Alone.. and this war is and will end one way or another very soon... It cannot be because of me that it goes south... I'm in a fucking corner right now because of her chess move... it's just more stalling and a way for her to create chaos for me in terms of planning... but it wasn't entirely unexpected. i will find a solution i don't care what it takes.. this is my son we are talking about.. fuck Chris