Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I don’t regret a damn thing I’ve done with my life. Not the battles I’ve fought, not the war I fought for all the right reasons. Not the freinds I’ve lost along the way. Not everyone is strong enough for this ride. I have good people in my life and I am living for my adventures. I don’t look back and I just wish the one person that should be by side at baseball games and meeting sports Hero’s and other interesting things like concerts in other provinces was by mine and my inner circles side. That’s a wound that has been taken away. And it sucks. But it happened. Those years are never coming back. But one day maybe we can have them again on our own terms and not dictated by a third party who only has her own selfish interests at play. Oops what was that, is it possibly time for me to look into my own selfish interests? I love you Son, I always will but the truth is the estrangement isn’t going to change anytime soon until you’re told the truth. But one day all these adventures will be w

The battlefield is a scene of constant chaos. The winner will be the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemies. I hate you more days than others. This particular day is one of them. There may be forgiveness. Sometimes when I’m nostalgic I even pretend that it’s not loneliness and futility and I think that I actually love you. The reality is that is a fucking myth. You destroyed all our lives. Mostly mine. But you inflicted wounds on yourself and him because of your selfishness. One day, the man will fucking come around and the answers will be provided. Till then we wait… I didn’t have to forgive you, It was even harder to Fuckin forgive myself. But I did it so I could move on without hate and anger. What drove me for far to fucking long. I made peace with myself and you because it was eating me alive hating you. I needed to do it for my own mental peace.  But whatever your mind game is staying in orbit of my life and offering forbidden fruit and illusions and false prom

The fact I have and have always suspected you of drug use because of your erratic behaviour and decisions over the years shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. You’re life is falling apart and you are the only one hiding bullshit anymore. I have nothing to hide and I don’t do drugs. I am losing patience with the person that you are.  I no longer believe you to be the person I once knew. I’m not even sure that person ever existed and wasn’t just a mask of your real personality. I’m not sure I ever really knew you. I know what it’s like to be an alcoholic, I am one. That’s why when I drink it’s very controlled. And I know drug addicts, and you’re behaviours just seem to get worse digging that fucking hole.  The people you are with and the rumours that I have tried not to hear for decades all correspond. I no longer feel any guilt for thinking I was the lesser person. I know that I’m not. I did everything I could and it was never enough for you.  I am the better person, and I’ll be the bett

The war is over. Every battle needed to be fought is done. I’m slowly picking up the pieces of what’s left of my life and moving on. I used to think all we were in each other others life was the constants that we would always find a way back to. But the fucking reality is that you are the anchor around my neck dragging me down.  You might as well a be fucking noose. You’ve always been the albatross.  You were never the bird of good fortune, you brought my life to ruin and even this little bit of a moment where I’m happy all in my own little universe, you have me doubting that. That’s ok, I won’t let you destroy it this time, that’s my job. I’ll burn it down myself agian instead.  Once I had hoped for a different outcome, but I know now that only one of us lives in a reality that would allow for that. One of us ends up broken and hurt and longing for a world that was barely a moment two decades ago. And the other pretends nostalgic when someone or something is missing in her black hole

We are merely two old souls that grew up in the wrong decade and outlived our usefulness to each other for a moment based on the worlds and families expectations. But then again only one of us fucking lives in this reality, you call in the weirdness of night and play mindgames and I expect me to always answer the damn phone and play nice. I have my own damn reasons for answering that phone and it’s more about my fears about the world you insist on fucking living in… or that you pretend to fucking live in. I will always be the better person because I don’t play games and I leave my emotions on my sleeve, I just don’t let my fucking emotions for you define my fucking life or actions anymore. I did that for a long time. It wasn’t fucking worth it. It still isn’t now.   You continue to play mind games and wonder why i end up with a thicker skin and have quit trying multiple times.  You lie to me and I know you well enough to hear it in your voice, you never could lie to me, what makes you

I am sick and tired of the selfish people in my life. I have things to do and plans to occupy my time. One of these days I’m just going to walk away and pretend I don’t exist. That’s the way I’m constantly treated anyways unless someone wants fucking something for me. It’s ridiculous and I’m done with it. I’m better off all alone and on my own. I never look back and I don’t even look fucking sideways when someone indicates that I’m only needed in their fucking life at their convenience. That’s not fair. That’s not how I lived my life. I was there for people. Now I’m not going to be there for anyone. I don’t care anymore.  I do interesting things. I don’t need money or people that don’t need to be there to hang on my nuts to pretend to be by my side. When there is an unequal balance of who does for who? Fuck it. I’ll withdraw. I’m sick of being being used and I’m sick of a lot of the people in my life who say they are gonna be there till the end and always have my back and when push com

I chose to have my life and do my things, I will always provide for my son and be willing to listen when you want to talk. But I’m not going to just be a satellite character in anyones life. That’s not who I am, that’s not who I’ll ever be in this lifetime. I’m going to always be there in the background with my shadow looming large, I’m his father I don’t have a choice to be. However I like my life and I don’t want yours. I’m not going to just come back to the moment because it’s your last damn option. You’ve made its very clear I’m disposable in your life. And I have a good life now. You’re not needed.  It’s going to take a lot to change that, and respect and trust has a lot to do with that. I have dealt with a lot of my problems and the things that dragged me down, I don’t need yours. I’m willing to help but I watch you miserable in your life and needing me, and I’ll never be that, I’ll never need you or anyone else in that way. I’m strong and independent, while it can get lonely, I

You weren't picky about who got hurt. Still aren't. So don't preach at us like you're some kind of saint. You're just another sinner. I am simply what came next. This is your creation. I weaponized myself against the pure soul I once was because you destroyed that.  I can clean up nice. I can even pretend that things are different, I can forget yesterday for a moment in a bottle, but it’s not your bottle.  But never mistake. I am not nice. I am not yours. I never will be again. I am in control of my life rather than riding the waves of chaos I did as a child and when we were together.  I am in the drivers seat rather than pretending that one day you might come back and save me…. … there wasn’t a soul left to save on the first place. You destroyed that a decade ago.  You knew I was broken and you chipped away at all the good that was left until you got to the black core. And that’s all that is left of me now.  That’s who I choose to be. An evil man who does good thin

I don’t let problematic people into my life anymore. If I tolerate you now, despite all your flaws and the knife in my back every time you keep coming back, it’s only an expression of the deep feeling I have and have always had for you. However, that isn’t the blood tie that binds us… you and I know that. I walked away once and never looked back. You betrayed me and I had no fucking reason to ever look back in to see how you were doing. Little did I know that was the only the beginning of your little betrayals. I wish I could live in your world, but one of us has to live in reality. One of us has to be the Noble demon and answer for all of our sins. God knows it will never be you and you’re altered reality Alice.  Brick by boring brick I rebuilt my fucking world, it’s not much but at least it’s mine.  I get to be angry. I get to hold a grudge. Every olive branch that you’ve fucking burned. I’m done. I may have given you my word. But that moment is almost upon us. And once it’s done it’

There is the fact that you don’t live in this world that you want my permission to leave, sorry Pinocchio , I’ve been been free the last 2 1/2 years… the court order is done, there is nothing left for you to hold on to… nothing but your illusions. That’s the reality of things… I don’t care what you do I just want you and him safe and happy and every time I talk to you I don’t hear that in your voice… meanwhile im coming down from 3 days with my friends in niagara where you weren’t even thought of once…  The person that entertains your delusions doesn’t live here anymore… I gave my word 4 years ago.. I have no problem keeping it… but when I made that promise I expected something different to be the place both of us were standing today.  Instead it’s a status quo except I’m a living emotional crutch…  The fact that due to circumstances I have some permanence in my life means you can do what you want… but here’s the things… that straw that’s breaking the camels back is wearing very thin a

Baby my life doesn't reach to you And if you want love so Unconditional and real You gotta ride that black horse baby Through the depths of hell that I've been Follow me away yeah I will be the same Strongest one to name I don’t sweat you anymore… the simple fact I can walk by all of our homes and feel nothing anymore but nostalgic for a life that never really was, I can live with that. I appreciate that we are civil enough to exchange pleasantries but the reality is I’m not part of your life and you’re not a part of mine. That’s the status quo and there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m not falling down the rabbit hole with no resolution Alice.  But the fact I could offer coffee today is a consideration, I am glad I asked you. Our story isn’t over yet. However we both have other priorities and all I have left to give you is my word. But you have to fix you first same as I had to for myself before we fix each other. You’re not there yet. Maybe one day. But I don’t need you hurting a

When you've become the thing that scares, there's nothing to be scared of ever again. I’m not even pretending I’m not pissed off anymore by your choices. All I am is still here. I don’t know why I am and I don’t know why I have the resolve of atlas with the weight of the world you have placed upon my back.  I have not forgotten what this weekend represents. It just came early this year so maybe the blow is softened.  But like an annoying groundhog there you are to remind me. Newsflash babe,  you need me more in these moments of loneliness than I will ever need you.  Just Because you don’t want me dead anymore, does not mean i get to play living emotional crutch for you anymore. I have my own life, my own responsibilities and my own friends that I’ve made plans with. We have one moment left, I gave my word. I’m just undecided as to the when, I just know it’s not this fucking weekend. It’ll never be this weekend.  This holiday is when you took everything away. There are no apolog

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number.  I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer

I’m happy. I get to have fun. That’s all i need in my life. I take care of my responsibilities and do things. I don’t need to sweat anyone in this world. I’ll either have my word and be there for you or i won’t give a fuck and do my own thing. Right now I’m pretty happy with doing my own thing. That’s where things stand. It’s going to take a lot to change that. I’m pretty happy and both emotionally and financially stable for the first time in my life. Why the hell would I chose to give all of that up? 

When and if I ever go down I hope that someone has half the patience and skill to take care of me the way I do right now for someone else. I am starting to feel taken for granted and being yelled at constantly isn’t helping that at all. This is not a relationship, I shouldn’t be being treated like this. The fact that as long as certain needs and wants are met. It doesn’t matter how I feel or how I am doing or if any of my plans or goals happen. Long as he’s fine in his selfish little world. I’m trying to be fucking supportive, I really am. But it’s starting to look like I need to start taking longer and longer breaks for myself before I burn out.  And make no mistake I am burning out. 

  This is who I am, this is where I stand in my life now. It’s not me against the world anymore. It’s me not giving a fuck about the world anymore. My priority is me. I’m getting too old for this shit and the mental mindgames of others that are barely in my fucking orbit. Those that are throwing out mindgames? Yeah I got no interest. Thank you next. I’ll be here. But I’m not being gaslit or paying my full attention to it. I’m busy. I have things to do. Not my problem.  My current living situation isn’t ideal and I have made a lot of sacrifices and changes to maintain it. Some are good, some are negative. However it is better than any of the alternatives out there. Here I know where I stand. I’m good with that.  I don't like bein' alone. I'm not good on my own. My head gets so loud. And shit doesn't make... Nothing syncs up. I start thinking about my thinking. And getting lost in the details of nothing. Nothing can pull me out of it.

It’s all the shits I don’t give right now. There is no one and nothing in this world that I feel immediately appreciates the trials and tribulations I put myself thru to make there lives easier. I’m not singling any one in particular out in my life but there are a number of people that are making me feel under appreciated while I suffer to make there life a little fucking better. You know what happened the last time I needed to make my life a little bit better?  I left. Didn’t look back. I’m getting real close to that agian.  It may be cold to some but i don’t care. I function and I take care of my responsibilities and I have some fucking fun along the way. Other than that I don’t give a damn. I’m making my life better, I’m not here to do that for anyone else. Not even you.  Find your own way. All of you.  This life, it ain't romantic or free. There's no path to anything that makes any sense. It's just dirty and sad.

The last man standing in the universe. I always thought that would be me. I sit here and I don’t know what the next step in my life is. I’ve settled into a creature comfort where it’s status quo but it’s not my life. I’m just doing the right thing to escape drama and to not be in same old behaviours and traps. This has been a harder winter than most. And a lot of fucking things are being established.  I know my worth, I know the worth of those around me and who I chose to have in my life. The problem is, I’m not sure who is currently on the level and cares and who is a means to there own end.  My life doesn’t stop when certain people are involved in my life for a hot minute. I still have to deal with the day to day of taking care of another person I care about… and I have responsibilities to others whether she likes it or not…I know for sure I sure as hell don’t.  That being said. I do for the people that have always have had my back. That’s my word. That’s what loyalty is. Some of the

I put my foot down. I am no longer feeling like I’m being fucking used and taken advantage by anyone. I don’t need to be here. I don’t need to be anywhere. I don’t need to be fucking doing things for people that don’t appreciate or fucking understand why I say No. I’m done trying to be nice and understanding of anyone. I have my own problems and my own pain. I hurt constantly both physically and emotionally. If you think you are going to continue to use me, or be involved in my life and think that it’s all about you. You’re fucking wrong.  I have things I need to do in this life that I keep putting aside and doing other things because it’s about others. I can walk away. I have before. It doesn’t matter who you are. It doesn’t matter which friendship it is anymore. I’m no one’s living emotional or financial crutch. I can’t support someone else’s lifestyle and not be able to take care of myself. That’s not only frustrating that’s not fucking fair. I’ve made enough sacrifices in my life.

At the end of the day I know exactly where I stand. And who and what I should chose to care about. I’m functional and I take care of those I need to and those that don’t even deserve for me to have that level of emotion in my life. I’m not going to go out of my way to do them any favours or sacrifice everything in my life however. This last little while has been telling as to who I really need to pay the attention to. Silence speaks volumes as does manipulation to do things you have no intention to follow thru on. I won’t tolerate it from my former partner, no fucking way do I tolerate it from friends.  When things become a pattern I start to disassociate, I disappear. I went silent with no way to contact me for years for someone I unfortunately have to care about whether or not she is fucking breathing for my own mental health.  Complete radio silence. I said goodbye. And then she gave me a reason to truly walk away, I should have. There is no fucking fathomable reason that I’m going

This is my escape. This is my reality. This is how I deal with the world. Sometimes I just need to step away for a few hours and just be inside my own head. While I am less than enthused by making the trip back to the Durham region on my own without the planned company, it wasn’t horrible to see one of my favourite bands. I had a good time and I remember when I do shit like this that I don’t need anyone at my side. I just need to have fun and have a good life. I did for other people and sometimes it falls apart and sometimes I end up going out alone. I don’t care. I just function. Old, not obsolete. I remember the old days when I wouldn’t have cared if someone was at my side, I’m getting back to that. I’m gonna spend this year seeing bands and doing things for me. I’m sick of being available for anyone else. Especially those that don’t appreciate me or treat me as I and my income are disposable. Im not. I never have been. But I’m just fine here on my own. Xero Fucks Given. 

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to.  I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone.  The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even.  I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of.  I’m not going to pretend to keep th

  Every thing falls apart as usual. It’s always about someone else instead of my plans. I’m sick of some peoples agendas in visiting me and those I care about. It’s getting real fucking old. I have responsibilities so I prioritize them.  I don’t like when someone else or an xfactor controls the narrative and when something falls apart I’m not very happy.  One day I will just say fuck it and walk away.  I am and can be be cold and ruthless and I’ll walk the fuck away. I don’t care who you are. If you inconvenience me enough I’ll fucking bail. If you affect the person or persons I care about most, I’m gone. See ya. 

How many times you imagined my betrayal. How willing you were to think the worst of me. Why aren't you happier? I'm just being whom you've always thought I was. I'm giving you the ending you believed in. I am convinced that I am starting to self destruct without even thinking about it. You’re old behaviours are instilled in me and I’m becoming someone darker than I want to be. Something to be feared agian. This relationship with alcohol has to be re-examined as I’m not the happy go lucky guy at the bar. I’m the demon drinking to get black out drunk. It’s been a long time since I felt the need to be him on a regular basis. I live my life, by my own choices and my own place in this world. But I don’t see the point of pretending that I’m perfect anymore. I take care of my responsibilities and I drown my demons once in a while that’s all I am anymore. 

I live my adventures and my dreams now… for far too long I just attempted to be what someone else wanted and expected of me. That time is over. I’m doing for me now. I am going to do the things I want to do with my life and not answer to anyone fucking else.   I have watched my life turn to ruin and yet I’m still standing here on top of the mountain with a smile on my face. Because I get to do the things I choose to Do. The years of sacrifice were worth it because now no one questions my choices. I fought my battles and finally hung up my axe and sword. I have nothing left to grind towards anyone. I’m just busy enjoying myself. I take care of the responsibilities I need to, but the reality is at this point I’m just enjoying my life. And that’s the way I plan for it to stay. 

I’m happy, I like everything that is going on in my life and I don’t need anyone that doesn’t want to be in my life. I’m having fun and that’s all that matters. I am finally moving on and as usual I don’t care except about what adventures come next. I’m sure it’s going to be an interesting year. 

I remember phone calls at Ferraris sobbing trying to fix this before I made the decision to take this to the next level and serve papers. To start a war that never truly ended, I simply made peace because there wasn’t an end. Neither of us have the pride level to admit we were wrong and admit defeat. I won’t let you fucking win, and you’d never give me that privilege either. Even now the attacks have ended, but the mind games on both sides continue. If you ever wonder why I always go radio silent, I remember when you took everything that was important in my life away in one flawed decision. …and now you have to live with yourself. Is your life any better without me in it, or is it worse? We both know the answer to that fucking question and you know it’s not. But you’ve made it a place where we can’t and won’t go back to. I’m sick of fighting a war that ended when I no longer wanted to affect your life or his. He’s a man now the battle is over. The only fires that remain are the ones in