Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  I am happy, I am doing my own things and dealing with my current responsibilities and making his life better. No matter what anyone else thinks. I wish things were different but I’m enjoying my life as things are, and I will continue to do so. I do amazing things at a drop of a dime and I can figure out how to do epic adventures or memories with just a little bit of planning. I don’t have a need for Material things anymore. I wish I could share my adventures with those who mean the most, but that’s only measured in ounces. If you are in my life, you’re in my life... ... if you want to hang out on the fringes of my life and come an go that’s on you. I’m gonna live, I’m gonna hang with the people that are in my life. And we are going to do all the cool shit. Because I don’t care about tommorow, I’m living for today and I’m living like this might be the last one, every single Day. Everything I do right now, I’m having fun and I’m less miserable and depressed than I have been in years. 

I miss you, it’s all I’m willing to give you because of my pride. There are times of the year I miss you more than most. This is one of them. But I would never back down from you either. And that’s part of the problem, we have each other no quarter and now even on Christmas, it hurts too much to find peace. I know you’ll call, you’re predictable. And I’ll always find forgiveness beneath the bitterness and anger because what beats there is still love.. it shouldn’t be, it shouldn’t exist, but it still does. One of us is still at war with the other. And we both know it isn’t me. I laid my weapons down long ago. I made peace, with or without you in my life.  I’m still at peace with you. Regardless of where we stand. But you’ll always hear an answer on that phone call. You’re promise will always be here. Always.

This is the one day of the year you get to call without anger and bitterness starting the conversation. I have forgiven you, I will never forget you. All I want to do is sit with my family for Christmas and be one for even just a moment again. I doubt that it will ever happen but I will always give you benefit of the doubt on this day.    That’s my nature. That’s who I have to be today. I can go back to being angry tommorow. Merry Christmas. You are both loved. Truce? Just for one day a year. All I need or want. I have no expectations but also there is no anger. There isn’t room for that today. It’s just Christmas. It was the last time we were together and happy. It should be the time you get you’re promise. This is the day there is no anger, no judgement, just love for the both of you. And hope that you are finding happiness in whatever you are doing.

  I won’t beg for a damn thing ever in this life. You and I both now that. As well as you know where I want to be in this moment. I want to come Home, but you’ll never see me on my knees asking a damn thing of you. That’s not my way. I’ve long since had reason to prove anything to you, and I tried harder than any mortal man, for you’re blind eyes not to see. It’s always on you’re timeline and you’re decision... but I’m done waiting. I should be home this Christmas, just like the last and the three before it. But that didn’t happen. That’s completely on you. I should have been there the last 18 christmases too. That was always you’re choice. It continues to be your choice. You are both loved. I just want to come home. Merry Christmas. I love you both.

  You look for evil in people , sooner or later you'll find it. Even when it wasn't there in the first place. I stand, even if I am standing alone. I fought my battles, I fought my wars... I am no less a man for choosing to lose them. I fought till the battle was over. Then I decided that peace and presence of mind were more important. I hang on to that scrap of truth, hoping desperately that it’s true and I just didn’t quit because I had completely lost. But I live my life like I own it, because I do. I am a king in my own mind and I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not or treat anyone as beneath me like you do. My emotions are on my sleeve, as certain as the dagger in my pocket. I won’t change the person I am to every please anyone else. Unfortunately that will probably always include you. I will always be you’re King, but I sit upon a broken throne. One you have destroyed constantly. Even forgiveness does not forget that fact. The best revenge is living well, but that

I tried this last year. That time will not soon come agian. You have a lot more to prove to me than I ever will to you. ...and now there is absolutely no reason for me to keep trying. You are no longer one singular destiny. Both of you are capable of you’re own choices. But only one has ever betrayed me repeatedly, Remeber that the next time you decide to make that phone call. I tried forgiveness, it didn’t work. So maybe it’s now time for the last weapon. Maybe it’s time to forget. When I truly choose to walk away from anything or anyone I never look back, you know this. The one thing I always looked back on was you, it might have been a mistake. Might just have to end now.

  I grew up. You didn’t. That’s the difference between us. Even with me being the younger partner, I’ll always be the more mature one. You destroyed me multiple times. And I rose from the ashes. You cannot defeat me, because there is nothing left to destroy. Only my heart. And that’s always going to be yours. But I can and will move on. It’s not my choices that doomed you’re world. It’s you’re own. I’ve just had to watch as you used the nuclear option and burned mine down, and watched your own crumble. At some point you start to not care. I’m at that point. You’ve proved you’re intentions. I was destroyed for the last time 5 years ago. I went to a place there is no coming back from. I didn’t make peace for you. I did it for me. I may be broken. But I refuse that to follow your life and his. It’s why you were never involved in any of it.  I could have saved myself but the cost was and is still too high. That was my choice and it was the right one. But I did it for me and everyone that I

This is it kid. You are well and truly a man and an adult and you can choose to be whatever you want to be. You’re choices are yours now. Not hers. I’ll always be here if you need me. But you’re not my little boy anymore. You’re all grown up. You’re choices are your own now. Hopefully you make better ones than your old man did. But I tried. I always tried. I always will when it comes to you. Happy Birthday. You are loved. You’re gifts are here when you want them.

  The fact I am still trying for my son in the last moment of his childhood. That’s the sign of a true man, that’s the sign of a true king.    I alway fought for my little prince, and now he’s a man himself. I can go to my grave at peace knowing I did everything I could have.  I may not have done everything right. But I fought like hell for my only blood. At the end, that was good enough.  After this holiday I’m done making empty sacrifices just to say that I did. But I tried. Long enough. I’m done.

  I don’t need anyone. Anything i have ever done I always did alone. Not with help. Not for charity. Just me. I spent 5 years of my life doing epic shit that networked me a million connections and experiences and that was all fucking me. Not fair weather asshole freinds, not people who claimed to love me... just me, in my darkest hour making choices not to be a defeat, I am the concrete the Rose grew from. I’m harder than most. I don’t give up easily. But I do it alone. Because that’s who I am. It’s probably time to close doors and withdraw and go back to the person I used to be and only be about me and my responsibilities at this point in life. I’ve always done things alone, just because I had a few luxuries due to relationships the last few years doesn’t mean I need them or want them. I can do my own adventures and do just as many things alone. I am closing quarters and making the world a lot smaller.  One day I may withdraw completely with a sea change, but it’s disappointing to see

I don’t care who you are. If you disrespect me or especially someone innocent I care about I will cut you out of my life, relationships and friendships full fucking stop. I don’t care who the fuck you are. I’m about me. The fact that someone had to suffer a little bit today because someone else played games frustrates me. The fact we were mocked for it has me seriously re-evaluating a friendship again. I forgive a lot of stupidity when it’s just me but when you are malicious even in ignorance to the absolute closest of my inner circle. An inner circle up until today I thought one of you two clowns belonged to. I have to consider how much I believe that after today.  That being said the other idiot? This is not the first time. And not the first time you’ve placed him in the fucking crosshairs by you’re stupid behaviours. I simply do not need people like you in my life. You have been excommunicated. Give you’re catholic with a gigantic forehead you should understand that. See ya. Current

I’m enjoying my life and having fun and I am not interested in looking back at all. There is nothing anyone or anything that can offer me to ever make me look back into my past right now. All that lies in the past is memory and ruins. I may miss loved ones that aren’t by my side anymore. But I need to move on and figure out my place in life. I’ve never been fuckin defined by anyone else and it’s too fucking late for that to change now. Even if I feel like the days are getting shorter and the night is coming sooner than expected and one day there will simply no more Dawn. I’m still gonna live my life like a black haired kid that was 17. Free. No rules. No responsibilities. No regrets. No Remorse. I have lived a good life and did the best I could towards the ones I lived. Sometimes there agendas didn’t agree with me. Sometimes they didn’t know exactly what there agenda was. All I fucking know is I wouldn’t even come crawling back. To Anyone. That’s where I stand.  Independent. Alone. I’l

  I think I miss him more at Halloween because that was the last pure moment that me and him had that wasn’t tainted by drama or bullshit. I mean we were even on the same page, regardless of the reasons why it was a good fucking day. I want to go back to days like that. But I know what we have lost and what you have cost all of us. All I ever wanted to be was a good father and husband. When I wasn’t one, I settled for the other. But you had to take that away from me too. Oh well he’s grown now. His choices are his own. When there's no more room in Hell, The Fiend shall rule the Earth.

One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching. I don’t have time for you and you’re bullshit. True colours were shown on my birthday. I’m not a kitten that you can toy with you’re claws. I’m a grown man and I don’t tolerate bullshit from a girl that should have grown up a long time ago. You drew you’re line in the sand, and now I will ignore you. Because you proved exactly what all of this is. A momentary distraction to make you feel better. Sorry I’m busy doing cool And amazing things with my fucking freinds to Ever tolerate that nonsense. I’m living my life. That’s what I do. And I do it with style and I live an epic fucking life. No compromises, no backing down. And I am who I am. Be jealous all you want. I’m all of our dreams fulfilled save one. I have the freedom to be the person we both always wanted to be and not answer to anyone. I didn’t then. I don’t now.  Meanwhile you are shackled to a town and a past I hardly remember. You may be my true home

There are reasons you weren’t there. Even tho he should have been. I am not even agree at you anymore. I’m just apathetic. There’s nothing to you’re endgame. And you’re not my family. No more than I am, the difference is regardless of where we stood when you needed me I would have been by your side... ... it’s one of many reasons why I will never fucking need you. You always treated me and my other loved ones as something to discard. I was never a priority. And the coldness you have shown in the last year and a half when I needed you speaks volumes. Truth be told I didn’t. I have good support circle and I know my value. You’re aren’t part of either of those. You never have been you never will be. You may be the only one to mourn me when I go, but that’s because I don’t want anyone else too and it’s you’re own selfishness that will make you want to. You weren’t even invited, and his grandson should have been. But that’s on you. That’s always going to be on you. I’ve made my peace with i

  My life doesn’t suck. With or without my freinds I do epic things. That’s all I want to do with every member of my family, but that’s always going to be someone else’s choice. I’m just gonna do me. I don’t need anyone, and those that I choose to spend my time with are enhanced by my life not dragged down by it. I do amazing fucking things. I don’t even think about it. I just do it. Because I can.  I was interesting. I did things. I do things now. But I never went to school or the store or some of my more interesting long terms adventures for anyone else. I did those things for me. I’m still doing those things for me. I’m having fun.  This isn’t where I expected to be at 50 but it’s still fun as fuck. And as long as I can be me. I’m gonna be me. No one else is needed. I have freinds and family that will ride or die to the end and everyone else is an afterthought. Current Mood: happy. If life has days, it also has nights. If there's light, there's dark,too.There's lots of f

  My life doesn’t suck. With or without my freinds I do epic things. That’s all I want to do with every member of my family, but that’s always going to be someone else’s choice. I’m just gonna do me. I don’t need anyone, and those that I choose to spend my time with are enhanced by my life not dragged down by it. I do amazing fucking things. I don’t even think about it. I just do it. Because I can.  I was interesting. I did things. I do things now. But I never went to school or the store or some of my more interesting long terms adventures for anyone else. I did those things for me. I’m still doing those things for me. I’m having fun. 

I am Happy. I am doing things i enjoy and i am no longer fucking waiting on anyone to be a part of my life that does not want to be there. have you seen the things i do on a regular basis? I don't need to but i'm doing them anyways? you fucking wanna know why? because i can. i have good friends and a good life and you are not the only thing missing. my only regret is that hes not here with me. but one day that might change. for now, I'm going to live and simply be the person i am. because i am happy and living a good life and not worried about the past or the future. I just Live in this fucking moment, the way i always should have done and let things happen, without regret. I was too busy chasing tomorrow that maybe i lost today, ah well no regrets. This is who I am now. this is who im always going to be, I'd rather be a free spirit and do what makes me happy than a ball of anger scorching the earth, the way you almost forced me to be. I came close to losing myself but

I am dealing with some shit in my head that I don’t really want to talk to anyone about. But no matter the outcome I’m willing to accept it. I live in the real world, not some fictional reality you have created for yourself. My actions and decisions have real world consequences. I didn’t have the silver spoon the way you did. While I am glad he’s never had to want for anything. You haven’t prepared him for the real world. You’ve just lead him on a trail of trauma and tears his entire life. No matter his decisions I’ll accept them. But that doesn’t mean this conversation is over. Not at all. 2 years ago I saw you for the first time in two decades. And we were talking about a future. This is the future. We are in the same fucking place. Neither one of us it’s willing to budge in this chess game. It’s stalemate. It’s always been stalemated. But in the reality you live in inside you’re head one day it’ll go back to happy family. I’m not naive enough to believe that. There’s always an agend

I burn bridges. I light gasoline on the bridge and walk away and never look back. Remember that. You are the one only time I looked back and all it is was a trail of ashes. Yes we had passion but it was a self destructive phoenix flame that constantly kept self igniting.  It’s not good for either of us. I may love you, but I don’t like you very much. And I despise how I’m a fair weather friend in you’re life. Disposable. Only needed when you need something. What about when I needed you, you know what you’d never know. Pride. I would never give you the credit to ask you for anything in my life even when I was at my worst and in a private hell. I endured alone. Because I have the strength to. A strength that you fucking lack. My strength that you need when you’re feeling down. But it’s a flighting emotion, it never stays. You’ve asked me to stay and I’m grateful for that, but it’s not longer you that I’m staying for. I have other responsibilities and people that are important to me.    Y