Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

You think I want to escape from this? There is no escape from this! Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer. Maybe self-destruction is the answer. The only thing the world needs to fear from me is my anger and my fucking temper. I'm sick of being treated as half a man by those that don't fucking know me. This isn't a new place for me, everyone already made their fucking judgements long ago. I'm just sick of continuing to prove myself so I am no longer trying to. It's better to let myself be damned and proven every goddamn expectation of me than to keep fighting a system and a history that has me a criminal anyways. Might as well accept and be dark and damned than keep trying to find some light. I may be broken but I'm still standing, I've just lost the will to fight. I've lost the will for a lot of things. There's no reason to anymore. If the world wants me to be a villain then let me be the bad guy, I can very easily make peace with that. I can

Give up all hope, all illusion, all desire...I've tried and still I desire, I still desire not to desire and hope to be without hope and have the illusion I can be without illusions. Give up, I say. Give up everything, including the desire to be saved. I am deliberately forgetting people for many reasons. I'd rather be a miserable old fart that stands on my own two feet than to blame the world for my bad decisions and play the woe is me card. I don't live in the past. I refuse to. I live in survival mode, I always have. I always will. But part of that means I always move forward. Regardless of the costs or whatever happens. If someone wants to play mind games, that's fucking cool.. I know how to play them too. In fact I know how to play them better. Never forget who taught you how to play that particular game of chess. And while I may have abandoned my private wars.. I have not and will not forget the fact I do have my copy of the art of war memorized... Something I

Depressed, Dreaming, in a way that doesn't matter. isolated, alone and angry, old ghosts rattling chains long abandoned and forgotten, A reflection, in a shattered mirror of self, Someone i was supposed to be, broken. Taken Away. this reflection of you I take to my grave, the person I am, always defined by others behavior, never at face value, never myself, always someone else expectation, a darkened mirror smashed by bleeding hand. cursed blood, only a reflection of someone else who came before, or beside, I am so confused, i don't remember or care anymore, all i know is that my life is not and has not ever been my own, engineered for failure because the sins are not my own, but i am the man who endures the consequences of other's choices, endures the agony of a bitter broken past that follows alongside me, inescapable, a prophecy written in childhood, feeling more like a darkened vow, one that always comes true, No escape. Not when its a reflection of you, the thing you a

When my dragons are grown, we will take back what was stolen from me and destroy those who have wronged me. We will lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground. Spend six months where nothing ever changes except the fucking meals... It will change you physically and mentally. I've spent a longer fucking time with each day having no meaning. Every meal having no taste. The hells I've experienced just keep coming....every day. If all I have left is my memories, so be it... It's better than having and being nothing. I only see things in black and white but the blood red colour of rage is coming into the corners still. It's why I laid my weapons down and stopped fighting. I know exactly where that course of action leads and it's not a happy or sane place, it just leads to a dark place and eventual destruction, no matter how slow a death. Even out here where everything seems normal, I'm still flawed and broken and everyday is exactly the same. It's the

The thing about street fights... The street always wins. I am from these streets, and I've always used these streets to survive. Never forget that. There are levels of survival I am willing to endure to be able to survive and fight whatever battles I fucking need to. I don't need drama or Politics from any street level scum however. I've had enough of that growing up. I'm a better class of criminal anyways. I busk and don't have any drug or alcohol issues.. I'm not a big fan of a junkie idiot with a mouth calling me out on the turf I've spent the last decade calling mine. I don't mind sharing the space but when you are a fucking heat score and cause issues in a place I am respected and comfortable and allowed to play in this city my darkest side is going to come out to play... And right fucking now... That particular animal is on a short fucking leash... It gets shorter daily. I have no time for anyone right now because I have a very fucking short fus