Give up all hope, all illusion, all desire...I've tried and still I desire, I still desire not to desire and hope to be without hope and have the illusion I can be without illusions. Give up, I say. Give up everything, including the desire to be saved.
I am deliberately forgetting people for many reasons. I'd rather be a miserable old fart that stands on my own two feet than to blame the world for my bad decisions and play the woe is me card. I don't live in the past. I refuse to. I live in survival mode, I always have. I always will. But part of that means I always move forward. Regardless of the costs or whatever happens.
If someone wants to play mind games, that's fucking cool.. I know how to play them too. In fact I know how to play them better. Never forget who taught you how to play that particular game of chess. And while I may have abandoned my private wars.. I have not and will not forget the fact I do have my copy of the art of war memorized... Something I memorized during our relationship. Thankfully I did. I've always needed it to fight my battles. Just because I am Warrior and soldier seeking peace and not another fight or endless battle doesn't mean I'm not constantly prepared for one to come. After the last two decades I expect to fight constantly. Nothing's changed in that respect. Just because I am no longer attacking doesn't mean I have forgotten how to defend.
Never forget that with whatever the hell you're planning. I will always be ready for you. And I've never exactly learned how to back down, espically from you.
I am a mean old motherfucker that will always remember my roots and where I came from. I just don't feel like revisiting past glories or living in the past. The past is dead. I don't live there anymore. When I look in my rear view mirror all I see is fucking rubble.
We had our moment a very long time ago. It's dead and gone. By your choice, never mine. The only legacy of that is my living tie to you. Without that you would have been a distant and forgotten memory of an earlier time. Never forget the only reason I am tied to you is the son we share together. A responsibility I will never abandon no matter how old he becomes. I will always be his father, even if I am ghost to him. I think about him everyday and that will never change, but you? You're an afterthought, you haven't mattered in a very long time. That hasn't changed. The only difference is I've let go of most of the anger towards you and decided to no longer fight you. I'm still making peace with that. But it's his life in the balance and my presence could only bring more pain at this point, so it's easier to just gracefully step aside and acknowledge you as the Victor. There's nothing left of me for you to destroy anyways. Read the poem. I will always stand up and be there for you but mostly him if I'm needed, but there are limits to that. And I don't need you at all. I never did. I never will. And you can stop reaching out indirectly, I'm not fucking listening. It falls on deaf and blind ears. I don't care anymore.. Ive had enough. The first step is finding myself. I can't fix you, I never could so why the hell after Armageddon would I even attempt to try now. There is no reason for me to care. That's on you. You turned me into the man I am. You created the Monster. I just have to live with being one, and surprisingly I'm just fine with that. Nothing changed. I'm just everything you ever said I'd be. Nothing. Self fuffiling prophecy that's even older than you and I together. I've always expected this. I'm not surprised by the turn of events. It was expected.
You dragged me into Hell, so who do you expect to meet when you get there? The difference between you and I is that I know where my demons came from and I fully acknowledge them. I made peace with every single demon a long time ago. You haven't. I'm not the one living my life pretending to be a seventeen year old still when we have a child almost that age together. A man has responsibilities, I've grown up. I hope to Hell one day that you will before it's too late. Not for me, it's far too late for that, that ship sailed a long time ago. But for him, only for him. That's my only concern.
Current Mood: Bitter.Current Music: Tainted Love.
Go then, there are other worlds than these.
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