When my dragons are grown, we will take back what was stolen from me and destroy those who have wronged me. We will lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground.
Spend six months where nothing ever changes except the fucking meals... It will change you physically and mentally. I've spent a longer fucking time with each day having no meaning. Every meal having no taste. The hells I've experienced just keep coming....every day. If all I have left is my memories, so be it... It's better than having and being nothing. I only see things in black and white but the blood red colour of rage is coming into the corners still. It's why I laid my weapons down and stopped fighting. I know exactly where that course of action leads and it's not a happy or sane place, it just leads to a dark place and eventual destruction, no matter how slow a death.
Even out here where everything seems normal, I'm still flawed and broken and everyday is exactly the same. It's the same schedule I have had for years, doing the exact same fucking things to survive as I have always done. There needs to be an escape from this, an absolution, but as usual there is none.
I live my life at full fucking speed because I have no illusions that it will be taken away from me again, piece by tiny fucking piece. I'd rather go fast and hard and say to the world this is who I am than accept a life of servitude and complacency. No one has ever been able to control me, now that I am choosing to take a step back for my own Sanity.. No one is still going to ever collar or control me, especially my mind.
As far as things are concerned? Day to day, I no longer give a shit. I only exist any more because I have good god damn reasons to still be here, and the alternative is non-existence and I will never let anyone chase me down that particular fucking rabbit hole. I'd rather be the dark demon that I am struggling thru this world than anything else. I have no particular faith in meeting my maker or the prince of lies at the end of this journey, not anymore. When it is time to go, burn me.. I don't want anything of me in this world or the next. But it's not my time yet, not for a long fucking time yet. I have much too do, much to prove. All I have anymore is time, I intend to use every second of it from now on. It's all I have left.
I'm sick of losing everything that matters to me, I've lost my child, my career, my animal and my family and friends for the most part. I'm barely struggling to keep from losing my freedom, sanity and mental health. When and if I do lose my mind it will be a reckoning day for many. I am starting to expect that day will never come because I choose it not to.. But maybe losing my mind and surrendering to the rage is a course of action I should have chosen a very long time ago.. I have spent two decades reliving the same day... The fact that I have had no future for myself for over a generation weighs heavily on my mind. It always has, it always will. The minutes I chose my career and mate were the first steps in my damnation. Everything else worked against me, if I knew what I knew now back then I would be a lesser man that made simpler choices... But I would still be a man, instead of a Hollow fucking shell.
I am angry and bitter, and I will fully admit and own that. I've lost enough and over and over again. Nothing changes, the way I get ripped down to nothingness is the only change. We'll guess what? As of now.. Nothing's left.
I want to go home to a place where the memories are only good. But I'm not sure if that's really a fucking possibility at this point, it should be. I should still have that fucking option to run away home, but other considerations make that a fucking brick wall just as much as everything else. It's frustrating. I can't look forward for anything positive and I can't look behind for any comfort. I became someone else in Windsor and my years there. That man should have stayed there. That man is slowly fading away again. I need to find him again and I won't be able to fucking do that here.
Abandon hope all ye who enter here. I always knew this city would destroy me. Hell I spent over half my life running away from it in some shape or form. It's too bad that it had help from the great love of my life... But just like everything else I've ever loved... It all becomes ashes in my mouth and bitter fucking wine.. Yesterday's glories lead to today's failures. I just don't care anymore. There's no will left to fight, there's no will left for battle... There's no will left to care.
I've made a lifetime of making a stand, maybe for once I should just run away and become something else and let the good memories be my legacy before they become any more tainted. I know how to disappear, I've done it before, maybe it's time to do it once again. I can disappear into Toronto and become someone else. Someone without a past, just like the man called Bones back in 1994.. You remember him, don't you? Bones didn't have a fucking past to wear him down, to tear him down. No backstory. No baggage.
The world can take a lot from me based on a past I never wanted and still don't understand. But no one will ever take my skills from me. I am a writer, I am a musician and I am an artist. I have my education. From the darkness some light remains, it's the to focus that in as positive a direction as I can.
I am only loyal at this point to the people who have stayed loyal to me. So many so called friends that said they had my back when I had there's through some of the worst parts of their lives... Where are they now? The answer is nowhere. Lesson learned. Never again.
This is not the world I expected to grow old in. But it is the one I expected to die in a flaming wreck in my forties without family or blood ties. Guess I was about half right about that when I was twenty one... My life is a flaming wreck... But I'm too damned stubborn to die or let the world beat me down to a place I would ever consider it.. And regardless of current situation I do have a family.. And I will always be here for him. There's no question of that, regardless of any consequences in my life.
I am changing. The world around me may stay exactly the same every damn day of my life. But I am not unchanged. My experiences over the past decade have changed me... And not for the fucking better, but I am seeing things for the first time with clearer eyes. There is a clarity that wasn't there before. The world may not change but I have. And not for the better.
Nothing in this world can exist in a vacuum not even me.
Current Mood: Apathetic
Current Music: Metallica - I Disappear
The world turns, that's all. You can hold on and turn with it, or stand up to protest and be spun right off.
I believe you find life such a problem because you think there are good people and bad people. You're wrong, of course. There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides
Spend six months where nothing ever changes except the fucking meals... It will change you physically and mentally. I've spent a longer fucking time with each day having no meaning. Every meal having no taste. The hells I've experienced just keep coming....every day. If all I have left is my memories, so be it... It's better than having and being nothing. I only see things in black and white but the blood red colour of rage is coming into the corners still. It's why I laid my weapons down and stopped fighting. I know exactly where that course of action leads and it's not a happy or sane place, it just leads to a dark place and eventual destruction, no matter how slow a death.
Even out here where everything seems normal, I'm still flawed and broken and everyday is exactly the same. It's the same schedule I have had for years, doing the exact same fucking things to survive as I have always done. There needs to be an escape from this, an absolution, but as usual there is none.
I live my life at full fucking speed because I have no illusions that it will be taken away from me again, piece by tiny fucking piece. I'd rather go fast and hard and say to the world this is who I am than accept a life of servitude and complacency. No one has ever been able to control me, now that I am choosing to take a step back for my own Sanity.. No one is still going to ever collar or control me, especially my mind.
As far as things are concerned? Day to day, I no longer give a shit. I only exist any more because I have good god damn reasons to still be here, and the alternative is non-existence and I will never let anyone chase me down that particular fucking rabbit hole. I'd rather be the dark demon that I am struggling thru this world than anything else. I have no particular faith in meeting my maker or the prince of lies at the end of this journey, not anymore. When it is time to go, burn me.. I don't want anything of me in this world or the next. But it's not my time yet, not for a long fucking time yet. I have much too do, much to prove. All I have anymore is time, I intend to use every second of it from now on. It's all I have left.
I'm sick of losing everything that matters to me, I've lost my child, my career, my animal and my family and friends for the most part. I'm barely struggling to keep from losing my freedom, sanity and mental health. When and if I do lose my mind it will be a reckoning day for many. I am starting to expect that day will never come because I choose it not to.. But maybe losing my mind and surrendering to the rage is a course of action I should have chosen a very long time ago.. I have spent two decades reliving the same day... The fact that I have had no future for myself for over a generation weighs heavily on my mind. It always has, it always will. The minutes I chose my career and mate were the first steps in my damnation. Everything else worked against me, if I knew what I knew now back then I would be a lesser man that made simpler choices... But I would still be a man, instead of a Hollow fucking shell.
I am angry and bitter, and I will fully admit and own that. I've lost enough and over and over again. Nothing changes, the way I get ripped down to nothingness is the only change. We'll guess what? As of now.. Nothing's left.
I want to go home to a place where the memories are only good. But I'm not sure if that's really a fucking possibility at this point, it should be. I should still have that fucking option to run away home, but other considerations make that a fucking brick wall just as much as everything else. It's frustrating. I can't look forward for anything positive and I can't look behind for any comfort. I became someone else in Windsor and my years there. That man should have stayed there. That man is slowly fading away again. I need to find him again and I won't be able to fucking do that here.
Abandon hope all ye who enter here. I always knew this city would destroy me. Hell I spent over half my life running away from it in some shape or form. It's too bad that it had help from the great love of my life... But just like everything else I've ever loved... It all becomes ashes in my mouth and bitter fucking wine.. Yesterday's glories lead to today's failures. I just don't care anymore. There's no will left to fight, there's no will left for battle... There's no will left to care.
I've made a lifetime of making a stand, maybe for once I should just run away and become something else and let the good memories be my legacy before they become any more tainted. I know how to disappear, I've done it before, maybe it's time to do it once again. I can disappear into Toronto and become someone else. Someone without a past, just like the man called Bones back in 1994.. You remember him, don't you? Bones didn't have a fucking past to wear him down, to tear him down. No backstory. No baggage.
The world can take a lot from me based on a past I never wanted and still don't understand. But no one will ever take my skills from me. I am a writer, I am a musician and I am an artist. I have my education. From the darkness some light remains, it's the to focus that in as positive a direction as I can.
I am only loyal at this point to the people who have stayed loyal to me. So many so called friends that said they had my back when I had there's through some of the worst parts of their lives... Where are they now? The answer is nowhere. Lesson learned. Never again.
This is not the world I expected to grow old in. But it is the one I expected to die in a flaming wreck in my forties without family or blood ties. Guess I was about half right about that when I was twenty one... My life is a flaming wreck... But I'm too damned stubborn to die or let the world beat me down to a place I would ever consider it.. And regardless of current situation I do have a family.. And I will always be here for him. There's no question of that, regardless of any consequences in my life.
I am changing. The world around me may stay exactly the same every damn day of my life. But I am not unchanged. My experiences over the past decade have changed me... And not for the fucking better, but I am seeing things for the first time with clearer eyes. There is a clarity that wasn't there before. The world may not change but I have. And not for the better.
Nothing in this world can exist in a vacuum not even me.
Current Mood: Apathetic
Current Music: Metallica - I Disappear
The world turns, that's all. You can hold on and turn with it, or stand up to protest and be spun right off.
I believe you find life such a problem because you think there are good people and bad people. You're wrong, of course. There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides
Comments