Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It's official I am not on the schedule for the month of June but their might be some shifts for me, obviously it's time for me to make other arrangements instead of limping along at a mickey mouse organization. I can No longer Entertain the thought of the other options i have been thinking about for a while, such as Windsor... I do not want my son to suffer as a result of my job. When i may have to use my last months rent just to be able to stay financially stable this month the fact i have this job is a fucking joke. i can no longer see a future here and going into arrears for the month every fucking month when i know there are more affordable options out there makes me think about it.... i can't see tomorrow anymore at this job and am feeling used up... a year and a half of loyalty and I'm basically being cast aside... that's fine... but i can't say that I'll be as willing in the next month or the summer to keep things status quo. Current Mood: Depressed I

it's the end of the month and everything is coming to a fucking head.... i am getting an unresponsive reaction from work, when your boss is not returning your phone calls what the fucks up with that? I have to remind myself again why I am still there and why I wanted to do this job... i am so sick of politics and the bullshit at this mickey mouse organization of course my biggest concern is the fact that the kids are gonna end up the worse for the wear in the end. I can no longer see a future with the organization and I obviously have gotten to the point to where i no longer care... and that's just fucking sad.. but then again, it's just a warehouse for society's forgotten..... Current Mood: Apathetic. More than 90 percent of all the prisoners in our American prisons have been abused as children.

The stormtroopers of the financial elite of Hamilton were in full force tonight, nice to see them serving and protecting the bar scene in full force and harassing the street musicians and making it hard for them to make a living, nothing like trying to enforce the safe streets act on someone who actually knows the law better than some dumb pig cop.... it's really too bad cops in Hamilton think that Buskers are more important than protecting the innocent. but that's Hamilton for you. Current Mood: Fuck the police. Current Music: Sliver, Nirvana Did you ever stop to think why cops are always famous for being dumb? Simple. Because they don't have to be anything else.

it's time to be angry agian, can't deal with everything i see and feel with a cold patience that things will get better, if there is anything this world has taught me is that nothing ever changes and the world is rotten to the core,I'd rather be fueled by my anger than my apathy, there is nothing in this world unless you're pissed off. No one ever affected change by waiting. Current Mood: Angry. Current Music: Devil's daughter, Ozzy. None of you understand. I'm not trapped in here with you. You're trapped in here with me.

The love hate relationship with hamilton continues, i went and had a good night in hess village and am a little less worried about money. I still see the world in shades of all black, there is just so much wrong here and i feel the leaves are turning black and inward towards and in on me, there is so much i still don't understand i was made for better things than being a jester in hess village... i can do/be better than this, all i can feel even after all night in the bar scene is despair,I think i got a vewiw of something else last week and now that things are crumbling i'm just waiting for the axe to fall and release me from indentured slavery. i am burning out with everything that I am doing, it explains the alcoholism that seem to enjoy to indulge myself in. I think i'd rather be jim morrison rather than diyonisus... but then i remeber he Died a lot younger than i am now, i have my reasons for staying alive. i have a whole world to show him but after this weeks events i

I can't feel a fucking thing, seeing how people aren't bothering to answer my phone calls at work about next months schedule i think the next decision is going to be made for me, i can't afford to eat, take care of my kid and pay the rent.. i'm sick and tired of being in this life I am in, the world and my outlook on it all look black to me, i'm souless, the dreams have become demons and all i can feel is the passage of time and it's leaving me behind, i alomst wonder decisions i once made for a purpose have they damned me, so much for being recharged, if the game continues to be played and i find myself unemployed and homeless maybe i'll just fade away, when there is only one thing that matters and thank god he had soccer this weekend, there's only him and not much else left for me, i think it's time to go, this city no longer exsists to me, it's not a happy place, the wounds are not healing here they are becoming infected. I need to be somewher

This place isn't home, it's just me going thru the motions and watching the time go by, several peices of my soul are located elsewhere and i can't see anything but darkness anymore... there's a great big nothing and i am falling into familiar behaviors, the abyss is staring back and it's staring back hard. i can't feel a goddamn thing and all i see around me here is death... it was nice to work in my hometown but it's clear to me at this point that i no longer belong here. Current Music: Crazy Train, Ozzy Current Mood: Bored. If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?

I have basically decided to leave hamilton due to recent events, it seems that my eyes have been opened to a new world that does not always reflect this city and the things that are in it, yeah it was nice to live and work in my hometown but the only place that seems never dragged me down even with the nonsense surround 04-08 was windsor, I am somewhat regretting many decisions made in the rush to leave windsor... of course it's only now that a move back to the niagara region makes sense. things are less complicated, i think i could even do a windsor move as a possibilty. I'm not happy Here and i am no longer seeing things in my future as clear as i could have if i stayed here long term, it's time to make some plans and act upon them there is a whole world out there that i need to experince rather than expecting the world to come to me. Current Mood: Bored. We are gods, 'tis our purpose to set aright the path of lesser beings.

...back to hamilton and I am agian missing windsor terribly, there is nothing for me here, the black hole of suck continues, i'm trying to stay positive esp. when i have three job interviews calling yesterday and it might tie me to the region, but at least there are some oppurtunities elsewhere, and i know this. i just wish that things we're simpler. Current Mood: Frustrated You want to think and say that you have everytning you need, but then you realize that something is missing, someone is missing... and once you think you've found it, it goes and disappears on you and you don't understand what to do or even where to start looking for that missing piece of the puzzle. You sit at home in lonely frustration and you just wait...wait...and wait. No where to look, no one to look for...

So my vacation is over and I am back at home dealing with the vow of poverty and the political bullshit at work agian, seems like i need to take a step backwards to go forwards.... there are some major decisions to be made and they may no longer reflect hamilton in any significant way in the very near future.. i have the choice to leave for Windsor and a conversation reflecting that will be happening very soon. also i have a job interview in port colborne on friday, so even tho i feel i have made a life here i also feel that the longer i continue here i will end up completely burning out and going away for a week will no longer leave me feeling refreshed, that being said i plan to take the little one on another vacation at the end of the summer to windsor and just hang out with him and my real fucking freinds in windsor, certian people this week proved their worthyness and other's will end up cast aside as I do not need certain influnces in my life at this point. I had a great time

So i'm sitting around having some fun with one of my oldest homies from windsor, i have known him since day one in this city....i got kicked out of the liqor store on univeristy.. that brings back memories... downtown soon for the guitar playing, this week has been fucking awesome things are coming together.. i really don't want to go home... but it's all good. i'm a really loud motherfucker!!!!! Current Mood: Loud. Who loans ya money, homie? Who owes ya cash? Who taught you how to use the bong for the grass? I don't know much but I gotta assume When ya hit ya first neden, ya homies was in the room

3 days left in windsor and i have found myself a nice little change of scenery, I am defintily getting what i needed done, the reasons i came up here are all coming together and it's time to make some positive change in my life. I am really happy at the wway things are turning out at the university and having even more fun reconnecting with people i haven't seen in years.. hopefully i can make finishing school work this time. Current Mood: Determined. If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy, and inspires your hopes.

Here I am once agian exploring the halls of Uwindsor trying to get my shit together for school, there is a very good chance by the end of the week i will be back in school getting my shit together so i can move on to better and brighter things career wise... I'm having an alright week and having fun with what i do, but this shit could have been planned better... i'm happy and it's interesting, but i feel like a ghost, like i've been here before, i have to figure out the next step and discover myself, Windsor is helping but this is a part of my history not something current, i need to finish with the school stuff here and move on, I think of this city as home but it's seems it's no longer home. Current Mood: nostalgic. When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment.

In windsor with some of my motherfucking bestest freinds, drinking a box of beer and having a great fucking time....I needed this, vacation's rock. i am gonna do this a lot esp. if i figure out a way to get my ass back in school, every time we got some down time... sick of being a ghost to my freinds for years.... this is awesome... tommorow hanging out with other freinds... awesomeness. Current Mood: Happy!!!! Current music: Thank you for not moshing, reel big fish What soberness conceals, Drunkenness reveals

Awesome weekend, His aunt came out today and took us for breakfast, he's a really happy kid, went home early to play soccer..... I'm riding some really happy vibes right now, I'm on my way to windsor in about 4 hours it should be a nice vacation away from the Nonsense and corruption i am feeling in Hamilton, it's time to go home and see my homies, how sad is that, i feel Windsor is more home than anywhere else, of course it's the first place i settled down and took up roots, of course i had to tear them up... but whatever, time to disapeer and be someone else for a week, rest, become refreshed. go home with a new attiude. Current Music: Insane Clown Posse, I want my Shit. Current Mood: Happiness. Home is not where you live, but where they understand you

Spent the day at home, barring the minor argument around the afternoon by mommy and me about stupid stuff because my sister might, i mean might take us for breakfast tomorrow morning, sometimes i just don't get her, i don't understand how she takes care of him and his things, i may be messy but the fact he has an immaculate Thomas table sitting in his room with over one hundred pieces, i am going to say something about the wii, the good news is he will be doing soccer and tennis this summer which i am really happy about, i wish she was more mature but that's why i have to be the mature one. we sat at home all day and watched Jetson's: the movie with Tiffany ( I think we're alone now. ), Gijoe, Transformers And Bolt. Once again he is bugging for a puppy so maybe around his birthday me and his mother will have a talk. I'm just glad he's happy and fed and has a smile on his face. Current mood: Contemplative There is no home like the one you've got, cuz th

I should not be angry all the time, i should not be surviving on peanut butter and fruit loops to make sure there is money on the weekend for my child. I should not be at a job that constantly fucks me around financially.... this world is getting me down, if it was not for my responsibilities to the people i care about here, not even the job, but my son and the other boys, i would not be coming back from windsor, the last time i was truly happy was in Windsor... it's time to for at least a week to become someone else, to be something else, to say fuck the world and not bother with all the pathetic nonsense here, maybe one day soon things will change, but right now all is futile and I need away, away from Anything, everything that reminds me of everything. Current Mood: Angry. Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge.

Only 6 months after i Dropped 200$ bucks on it, the Thomas table is finally put together and it is sitting in the corner of his room, i had to do some rearranging of his room and move his tv and stuff but i'm pretty happy the way it's looking, The roundhouse is put together and all i have to do now is put together the track peices, looking forward to the weekend and leaving las vegas (aka hamilton) come monday morning.. windsor is going to kick all kind of ass. I'm so happy and he will be too... he's been bugging for that toy for so long and his mother's nonsense is the only reason it was ever not put together. of course i'm glad it's at my house she would have never put it together and it's likely it would have gotten destroyed, i'm already thinking about buying a black Wii, because i don't trust the way she takes care of things or my son. Of course, as long as i do a good job, i'm the better parent. we'll see, looking forward top the we

Never compromise. Not even in the face of Armageddon. That's always been the difference between us There is nothing in this world more important than happiness but It's Not my happiness that I am concerened with, it's someone else's... and if what i do make's his life better and make's a diffrence in other children's life, than who give's a fucking damn about what i really want or need in this life.... I'd rather embrace Futility, than ever comprimise.... Current Mood: Sad. I live my life free of compromise, and step into the shadows without complaint or regret

how the hell can one be blamed for the lack of responsibilty of others? I am getting serious fucking fed up with the fact that as hard as I do my job, when it all comes apart due to the actions of other's i get blamed for said person being late, excuses, excuses, excuses, it's all i hear, never a fucking apology. I am sick of taking shit for things that are not my fault or the kids. I am really sick of the fucking nonsense. this planned vacation to Windsor is now needed when originally it was an act of rebellion because i wan't getting shifts, but now i'm going, i'm considering not coming back. I was happier there. it's really frustrating when you don't want to go to work because of Nonsense. It's even more frustrating when i am watching my life's goal turning into shit. there comes a point when one has to decide if the home that you work in that is supposed to protect children is doing more harm than good due to the actions of adults employed there

Sometimes it's strange, when your a stranger, i thought i had found some peace in my mind and heart and then it becomes confusing again, i made peace with the turmoil at work and found a way to deal with it but it seems that things just end up in my face anyways, I am torn between what i want to be and who i used to be and I think I'd rather be who I am now, I like him more, even as conflicted and angry and as fucked up as a I am, at least I have my shit together now, instead of being a patchwork Frankenstein that did not know the next move, still don't care about tommorow, but it doesn't mean I've forgotten about yesterday. Current Mood: Conflicted. The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself.

I am trying to find something to feel in the webs of despair right now, i cannot decide if i need to change my life and career and/or just make a huge life change and disappear from the reality i currently Know....there are things that just don't make sense and there are things i don't understand, why can the perfect person be out there but just out of touch, and why do i feel so cold to the comings and goings around me, it's like i'm waiting on nothing, and nothings all i ever get. Current Mood: Depressed Why rebel any longer against the symmetry of this world when Chaos itself can only be a system of disorders? Our fate being to rot with the continents and the starts, we drag on, like resigned sick men, and to the end of time, the curiosity of a denouement that is foreseen, frightful, and vain.

The frustration is continuing, i think i am going to spend a lot of this month in quiet reflection and dealing with the world on a face level and have no forgiveness and no quarter for anyone who get's in my way, sick of basically being dirt poor after my bills are dealt with and having to get inventive over having my child on alternate weekends, this vow of poverty I am having to deal with is very frustrating, i need time to myself and time for me, i postponed my vacation for a week but i am to the point in which I need to once again make myself unavailable, i should be a ghost as the halls i am haunting are growing cobwebs. Current Mood: Broke n Depressed. Out on the road there are fireflies circling Deep in the woods, Where the lost souls hide Over the hill there are men returning Trying to find some peace of mind

It's time to start doing things for me and only me, I am getting tired of the fucking Nonsense from people in this city, i can see me becoming very jaded if i stay in Hamilton forever, ispent most of the night last night looking for a job, if something full time is offered anywhere in the golden horseshoe I am gone, I am too fucking frustrated by the nonsense here, I am not interested in becoming a martyr for anyone, not for my freinds, not for work, not for anything, when i am concerened about survival with a fucking job that's just getting fucking sad. i should not be here. Current Mood: Frustrated I never tried to be a mercenary or a killer but a hard working fighter.

I am getting extremely pissed off and frustrated by the system, Apparently not only in addiction to my vows of silence and poverty in this field, i have to be fucked around by organizations when it comes to interviews, nothing like having an interview rescheduled to a later date and then about a week or so later, having it canceled by them, it's a good thing i was having second thoughts about sacrificing my weekends again or I'd be really pissed off, I don't think anyone has any vision in the child welfare sector and the homes and other services are merely warehouses for damaged and forgotten kids, no one really gives a shit about them, we are merely doing our civic duty preparing these children to be further institutionalized either in our mental health care system as adults or in our prisons... it's not about who has the best skill set it's about who works cheapest, no wonder there is so much abuse within and without of the system, there are very little checks and

The weekend was good and I am feeling secure in my position at work even with the unoffical lay off for a month, it's too bad i don't pay better attention to dates as i did not realize that sunday was mother's day and it's the one day a year I try not to be a hardass to her, she is the mother of my child and she deserves the one day to have him without an argument, will have to see what i end up doing for the weekend as this screws up my vacation plans, i was hoping to get away to windsor but we will see what happens. Current mood: Pensive We can never see past the choices we don't understand

I have started feeling that I like angry and determined Bones more than i like being happy, it seems like the only I am truly happy is when I am with my son or with the boys at work on a good day. any other time it's just an alcoholic haze to dull the pain of emotions inside, i'm trying to burn out before i fade away, but it's time to put all that way, If i am going to accomplish what i need to do in this life I need to be clear and have clarity of mind, my anger has always been my greatest determination and my determination has always been my greatest weapon.. it's time to go back to that mentality... One mindedness without distraction. I am sick of the way things are done, I am sick that a restraint is the only acceptable option when someone is being disruptive, i'm sick of the fact that these kids don't have shit in the way of property, I'm sick of the fact that the only supposed option when a child decides to throw a weak punch is to call a police office