Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I should not be nostalgic for the bad old days. I don’t mean with her I just mean in general in points of my life. It was simply more interesting when I was struggling and didn’t have my shit together. Now it just seems like my life is status quo and while I do interesting shit there are days when the depression and tedious nature of the same day over and over agian. Just means that I’m going to be bored and not really feeling like I accomplished anything in my life or done anything of value. Both of which are not true but at this point in my life I highly doubt that anything fucking changes. It’s the same fucking moment every single fucking day, and it’s boring. That’s part of the appeal in looking Niagara bound, at least that’s the great unknown, what if I had settled down and become boring… I never wanted that life. But I’d have chose it for one reason and one reason alone. And it’s not much different than the life I have now. I know another reason I look back is I had a certain amo

I don’t even know what to think anymore. I don’t have any answers. I don’t believe in coincidences. The fact I had an awesome time and saw one of my boyhood Hero’s on stage last night and then drama today. These things are related. Because I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. I have good friend’s and people that care about me.  I will always care, that’s my nature and you have to be healthy to be responsible for the one person in this world I care more than anyone else for. I may Love hi that’s unconditional, but I’d die for him. I steady have once before emotionally. I chose to walk away remember. So he didn’t have the burden of me in his life.  It’s only your choice and actions that’s I am in orbit in his life. Otherwise I would have stayed gone. I’d have walked away. That was the attention. I’m not dragging anyone down.  Part of it is that I don’t know the truth with you. He’s afraid of me? At his age I was hanging and banging with killers at Barton jail and it wasn’t my first tim

I am done doing anything except for myself. The nostalgia filter doesn’t work anymore. It hurts to get emotionally involved with someone who can always turn it on and off. Meanwhile I am doing legendary fucking things all on my own with people that actually care about me. I’m not looking back but there are things in my life I have made major attempts with. I’m just getting to a point where I no longer care if those plans comes to fruition because my reality is that I’m fine exactly where I am and my world doesn’t change on a daily basis the way it used to. I do interesting things and it’s still an interesting life. It’s not the one I expected but it’s the one I have. I can deal with that. 

This is my life. I’m having fun with it and I am going from adventure to adventure. I only need those that choose to be at my side. I don’t need anyone that doesn’t want to be a constant in my life. I’m having fun and not giving any fucks.  That’s the way it should be. "Life doesn't run away from nobody. Life runs at people.."  - Smokin' Joe Frazier 1/12/44 - 11/7/11

I am happy. I do things. I don’t chase anything or anyone or push myself to be an overbearing presence in my life. I have plenty of things I do to enjoy my life and sometimes my distractions and hobbies are epic. I’d rather be the first person in the line for the nature boy and mike tyson than ever dwell on the fact that my life didn’t turn out great. You know what, it did. It just didn’t go as planned for a few years. And there are reasons for that. But there is no anger or no reason for nostalgia. Good things will happen in my life because I’m a good person and if something is meant to be it will be. For now I’m having fun and doing epic and legendary things.  I’m gonna continue to do things and enjoy my life. Living well is the best revenge. Jim Morrison once asked me something in a poem, I’m pretty sure the answer is yes. The good the bad and the ugly. It would make a pretty good movie.  And it still a good life.  I just want to live it The movie will begin in five moments The mind

I am too damn stubborn to tell you how much I am hurting and need you. I’d rather play the devil and the demon and every villain in your story than ever give you that little victory. I’ll stand my ground for as long as I have to. The line has been drawn and the rules are clear. You have to come to me, I have no interest or energy left to come to you. You know the request needed. Otherwise all we do is spin our fucking heels pretending. I’m done pretending. We lost twenty years being angry. A lifetime. His lifetime. I’m done being angry. I’m not done being stubborn. I can find a kind of peace without you. Im fine with that. I’ll be your devil for asking as you need to me to be. Everyone needs someone to blame even at that core of her humanity she may love me. Her actions speak otherwise. Mine do not. I live my life by the rules and ethics I always have. I may not always like you, sometimes I love you, sometimes I hate you, but I’ve always tried to respect you.  I’ve buried your secrets

The more I think about things the Angrier I get. And I know that I’m the good and noble one in this relationship. You have attempted to destroy me multiple times but you never could. I’m just damaged. But I always come back. You only damage yourself now. Because I will stop caring. You’re actions your decisions. You know the only reason I care is when they affect me. I can’t fight you anymore, so I will flee before you kill me. That’s who I am.  A true king would hold his head high and treat you the way I used to. It’s you’re own complicated headcase that is the only reason that we aren’t together. It’s just gotten worse over time and I am hurting. But I am also a prideful man, and I don’t back down to anyone the least of all you. I’ll take a crown of thorns and be the fucking villain and sit on an iron throne before I’d ever let you continue to act the way you have without responsibilities in your life. It’s time to grow up. Just like I had to. The fucking hard way. Before it slaps yo

We aren’t simple. But I think at this turn in the road that you are simply the best choice in my life. I am at peace and don’t do drama and I think you need me to find the same. I can move on and still do my own thing.  But there is something missing. I’d like to fix that. But that’s on you, I’m too prideful or stubborn to force my way into your life. You know you have to ask me to come home. I’m not going to just be any more of a looming presence in your life unless your truly want it as much as I do. And only one of our behaviours shows that. We will continue to be complicated until you are ready. I’ll always be here waiting. That’s where we stand right now. That’s where things are going to be for a minute. The next step is all on you.

It’s hard to deal with some of the past and the shit in my head when I know some of it is a shared experience with you. And it is a reason for both of our current behaviours and why we understand each other. We have shared trauma and we are trauma bonded. All three of us. I have no question about that. I don’t always get angry by the person you are, and you have gotten far more forgiveness than you were ever worthy of. But it is what it is… this is our world… we are both very broken and we deal with the things in our head separately when we should be dealing with them together. Ptsd is a bitch and it’s constantly reminding me of who I was, and why we aren’t whatever we should have been. My ears started long before you and in my head they will continue long after I’m gone. Same with you. I could be gone in your life agian and the ghosts will still be there. Some days we can deal with them, other days those chains rattle too fucking much. And nothing I know to do can fix either of you, o

                     I do not like revisiting my past much and it is difficult sometimes to deal with paperwork, but its a necessary evil to survive at this fucking point in my life. but it is always an adventure to face the issues in my head and to put them down into words. I thought that it would get easier with writing this letter for the government a second time but it doesn't get any easier, it just continues to remind me of who i am and what i came from and how easily it would be for me to be a lesser man with less moral and ethics. every man can have one bad day, and I've had fucking multiples. the fact that i am still standing even after all i have been thru and done and experienced is a testimony to how strong i am. even if i struggle to put it into official words its something that I can and will always deal with. its just another challenge. and i love fucking challenges. i dont fear anything even uncertainty.