Skip to main content

God/Devil




I am too damn stubborn to tell you how much I am hurting and need you. I’d rather play the devil and the demon and every villain in your story than ever give you that little victory. I’ll stand my ground for as long as I have to.


The line has been drawn and the rules are clear. You have to come to me, I have no interest or energy left to come to you. You know the request needed. Otherwise all we do is spin our fucking heels pretending. I’m done pretending. We lost twenty years being angry. A lifetime. His lifetime. I’m done being angry.


I’m not done being stubborn. I can find a kind of peace without you. Im fine with that. I’ll be your devil for asking as you need to me to be. Everyone needs someone to blame even at that core of her humanity she may love me. Her actions speak otherwise. Mine do not. I live my life by the rules and ethics I always have. I may not always like you, sometimes I love you, sometimes I hate you, but I’ve always tried to respect you. 


I’ve buried your secrets deep within because of that. I don’t want to destroy someone I love with all my heart. But I can destroy that part of my heart that does love you the way it does. It may be unconditional but it can end. It has before. It can again. 


I’m sick of hurting because you choose tiny moments to come in and out of my life, and there is no real stability. Just because I have always been there doesn’t mean that I’m always going to be there. My life can change or end in a instant and you are giving me no reason at this point to stand still. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...