Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I'm sick of feeling this nothing in my life, I know that i am a nihilist I am proud of that fact, but the fact i get up every morning looking at this great big pile of nothing that is my fucking life... it's not about who I was or even about who I am, i need to find reasons to keep going everyday and recently i have been fucking falling short more often than fucking not and that's frustrating. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but i feel that i constantly have to be on the attack and that is hard to do when the truck is running on fucking fumes because i'm fucking broke, it's even more annoying when I am making other's fucking money and they don't see the assistance i am giving them or the fact that i am constantly in debt and sometimes because of them, it's very frustrating when the world i play in is the only world i am given to deal with at the moment. i want to go back to fucking normality and have a job, preferbly my job but at this point

For this I was chosen because I fear nothing With confidence I tread through the dead of night Off to another war torn faraway battlefield Wherein lies a demonic enemy horde On this day I decide to anoint my fist Engaging them in the mode of power and war Stopping at nothing that's short of fulfilling my destiny Willing to die and I will, after you for what I believe I am getting better and more eloquent with dealing with what needs to be dealt with, for once i am no longer mincing words and I am letting everyone know that I am in the driver's seat and it's time to reclaim my life... for almost three years of this hell and by extension 10 years of struggle on and off fighting this battle in hell it's time for things to change, having backup today and moving the chess peices forward is the diffrence between this afternoon and everyone that came before. it's time to fight this battle... another step towards the eventual end game.. there is only so long this

'cause one thing I never asked was Where the fuck my deadbeat dad was Fuck it, I guess he had trouble keeping up with every address But I'd have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas Someone ever moved them from me? That you coulda bet your asses If I had to come down the chimney dressed as Santa, kidnap them It's time to move things forward... I have all the cards and it's time to turn this fucking thing around... make no mistake about it I am at war... and my own dark thoughts have betrayed me more than once, my anger too.. but it's time to put the chess pieces in motion and let the fucking chips fall where they may... their is only one place this can possibly end and it's time to make the next step towards ultimate victory, I did not start this battle and ten years of it on and off is more than i can bear... this time 10 years ago i was in university and free doing t

I am starting to see with some crystal clarity the good things in my life and the things that are fucking missing and it's time to regain them, deep down at my core i know exactly who I am and the people i choose to surround myself with and trust know the same thing, it's time to show the rest of the world that, even if it means that i have to burn some bridges that are smoldering and you know what? I already have the fucking gasoline and the zippo. this has to be about more than settling old scores and revenge, I am not that person... I don't want to ever be brought down to her level I am better than that.. but i am still a creature of emotion and anger... finding peace at one point with my self and the universe was a sign of weakness.. i am best when I am agiasnt the world and watching it burn.. questioning everything... i have one goal and only one thing that means anything, it's time to follow it thru and end this shit... it's not my soul in the balance. at the

in·ev·i·ta·ble inˈevitəbəl/ adjective: inevitable certain to happen; unavoidable. "war was inevitable" "at this point, war is inevitable" noun noun: inevitable a situation that is unavoidable. It's time for the next stage of this fucking battle... and the only thing fucking left to do is set a date and finish the fight.. their is very little at this moment past that one option i can do, So that's the option i must take... and watch the damned fall where they may, myself included... there is only one innocent person at play, that is known to me now.. it's time to fight and win for the one innocent soul.. all the anger in the hate in the world will never erase the fact that he is my son and that I have done nothing wrong...of course, when one person i used to hold dear now see's me of the embodyment of everything that's gone wrong in her life the battle can be that much harder... I don't mind being deserving even of her hate, but he s

If you're going through hell, keep going I almost wonder if sometimes the reason i let the world pass me by and get comfortable with the status quo is because every time i try and do something fucking proactive it seems like the walls close in on me.. dealing with these so called professionals and idiots really pisses me off, playing games and using the doubletalk is fucking annoying.. I've worked in the same walls you have, I have dealt with the same ethics you do.. but telling me that i need to deal with a lawyer for my own personal situation when i am unfucking represented in is starting to become a fucking piss off... the thirty peices of silver was paid and a pint of blood.. I have a battle to fight and I am sick of getting fucking brick walls from fucking so called professionals... there's a reason i have a dislike of authority and there is/was a reason i held myself to a higher standard when i was amongst you... of course, the higher the standard the farther the f

It's time to be proactive in my life and move onto the next fucking step in my life, I can't allow all the apathy i currently feel to stall me, I need to feel the fire and the anger and be exactly who i need to be and be angry... that's the fuel, allowing myself to be at peace and letting things like days pass me by because i'm powerless at the current moment is a fools errand, it's time to be the warrior i always am and take the battle to them, it's time to fight, it's time to make people feel the heat from the fire as it burns them, I can't just sit and wait and hope things will improve... it's time to end this. this is my battle and my battle alone and I must fight it to my dying day, it's not my soul on the line and I am not the victim here, I feel the pain but so does he and that's what's important, that's what needs to be remebered i can sit all day and feel remorseful and dark and not do anything or i can use that darkness, tha

I am getting extremely fucking sick of the bullshit and games inherent in my current gig, i am seriously thinking again, about walking away from it.. i do not like losing money and not taking a cut to help someone pay his fucking bills down... and then i find out he's still spending money like fucking water, and then being pressured to make more fucking sales... i'm barely holding on, and i have a lot less comfortable life than yours... my son's fucking games better show up soon or be fucking replaced as I am getting seriously fucking fed up of the bullshit and being second guessed and pushed around, you're a fucking midget and when i get angry enough to put you into a fucking wall and lose my mind it's time to walk away, I do no need the stress level this fucking bullshit is causing, fucking games and bullshit. maybe it's time, this shit has served it's purpose but i am constantly getting angry and stressed out, just like every other fucking job i've ha