Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

another step forward and things are getting accomplished, some of yesterday's problems are behind me now and hopefully the effects of that will continue on to the next week, sometimes momentarty confusion can affect people drastictaically and allow someone to be vented on that maybe did not need to be, but shit happens... i realize that some jobs at certian times are more stressful than most everything worked out. on the employment front things are very much inproving and i am dealing with the leftovers from the last gang of idiots so hopefully everything works itself out by the end of next week... it can only get better. Current mood: Positive.

i am not amused and never have the patience for a crumbling charity that has mismanageditself into the ground, it's preety sad when i understand the instituional bullshit of the way they are treating people so they get additional funding instead of homes, but when they start fucking around with a former employee's finacials and don't pay much attention it it is getting dangerous for them, i am really fucking frustrated with them even more so then when originally terminated, at least if i had my vacation pay i could afford to have my son this weekend, unless i sprout some money out of my ass.. i have no money this weekend so whatever... Current Mood: Betrayed

one, the nurse was cute...two i am another step closer to where i need to be employment wise and i know why i have been feeling so horrible recently, sometimes emotional states do affect us pyschically, which is ever so wonderful, but it's just like everything else.. we deal.. Current Mood: Content

it's good for you... i'm pretty happy today, had a few with a few freinds last night repeating that with another tonight.. and i got the training done.. pretty happy.. while i'm still mired in BS i'm happy to be moving onto the next step. Current mood: Hungover and happy.

Anger Misery Youll suffer unto me the lack of patience at this point is obvious, it has been a fucking month, it's time for some proactive agression in dealing with outside forces. i'm not impressed. i can't even get a prescription because of some adminitartive red tape and whatever i have in my chest feels like fucking pnemoionia or brochinitis? hmmm, i fucking wonder what conditions caused that??? shit i couldn't even have gotten out of bed this weekend because mysystem completely shut down, i'm surprised i'm moving around at this point at all... ah yes, anger and Misery supercede physical affliction.. it's time to deal... cuz if i don't look out for myself No one else will... I will be speaking to a lawyer within the next 72 hours. Current Mood:Sick.

it's boring not having anything to do but hang around the east mountian, i'm pretty bored out of my freaking skull, ther eis really nothing to do... and i'm not angry anymore and that's been driving force the last two weeks... now i just want to settle down and figure things out and deal with them as they come. it's like when working thru things sometimes the frustrations will lighten as long as you just let them take their course. Current Mood: Determined.

... comes a light, i have confirmed my employment with somewhere i actually want to be instead of somewhere that felt forced, like it was indetured servitude so i could afford to keep my head above water.. the hours ain't great but it's a job and right now i am all about the experince, the waters are changing and i need something that is always not a storm cloud overhead... i think i can make a diffrence with the new job rather than just being a placeholder in an unchangeable place. i will be much happier when it's all said and done... it feels like a great weight is off my shoulders even tho i still have things to deal with, some of the anger and disapointment is disapaiting. Current Mood: Hopeful.

They christened you with whiskey And there's fire running through your veins Well you're an outlaw just the same And every night a bullet wears your name it's time for me to change myself and start dealing with fucking people at another level instead of trying to be polite to someone i owe no alligeance to, they are in the wrong not me, it's not enough to be polite when someone is fucking me over.. i should have seen this coming but i was too self involved to realize that sometimes patience is not the way to go... sometimes you've gotta bring a Gun to that knife fight, a lawyer is better than threats and the lack of pateince at this level is astounding, i'm surprised i have waited this long. i am a natural survivor and there was something to balance everything else out and i am also dealing or attemtping to deal with that today it is getting a little long in the tooth to attempt to deal with things politely or play the waiting game. it's time for more aggres

it's fucking time for this bullshit to end, i am only playing nice for so fucking long. it's surprising that i have to go to war with the army but really are we so surprised.. i was treated like shit for the entire duration and now i can't even get a final pay? yeah i really wanted to make a career with those assholes. the battle lines are drawn and it's time to go on the offensive. my patience is wearing thin, i have a fucking child to take care of. this is ridiculous it has been three weeks. i wonder what Brantford social services would think of my opinion of my former employer not to mention i am in toronto today, maybe it mightbe a good idea to call payroll since apperently my conversation on the phone last week accomplished little or nothing. go figure... me at loggerheads with a pseudo religious military organizations... man kills, god loves, you can always tell who's really running things when it comes to faith based charities, it's all about the almighty

nothing like being less than impressed by things that never happen to go your way, after dealing with the goverment and the stupidity of public service providers i am still no where near where i need to be, it doesn't help that i am still waiting on a final paycheque, at this rate i'm going to end up with nothing, but that's par for the course. frustration can set in but i can still see the light at the end of the tunnel. we will see what tommorow brings but i have to stay focused or the bullshit will bring me down. there are more important things in life than that. Current Mood: Frustration.

It's another day, hopefully some answers come to see tommorow. i am sick of feeling like this. it's just a state of nothingness and i don't know what to do.. it seems for every step forward two steps are placed in front of me dragging me behind. Current mood: Still frustrated.

another day another pain in the ass interview... while i think it went well i am sick of this nomadic lifestyle.. even tho the weekend was a pajama party i am starting to feel like a spectator to my own life.. outside watching in.. comfortably numb.. i can't feel anything because i have attuned my thoughts so far away from anger that when i should get really angry and righteous i can't maintain for long periods of time... I'm turning old.. i know this isn't healthy but i am doing it anyways. I've been told for so long what to think the last six months when i should be taking a stand I'm willing to see how and when it goes, even tho it is affecting me mentally physically and emotionally. hanging out on young today isn't even an option i'm so bored and apathetic towards my life.. i hang onto the positives but i am starting to realize i am no longer a young man when nothing really gets me riled or pissed off even when it should. Current Mood: Blank.

as usual if someone else can't be trusted to follow thru on their end in terms of responsibilities to an employee the goverment leaves it up to the individual to do so... go figure.. so much for the socialism in this country.. what the fuck is wrong with me trying to be a bleeding heart socialist when i should just pretend i'm a good for nothing gimp and just take disabilty at least that way i'd able to take care of my son. i mean when i see people that can afford things i only dream of on ODSP i am not amused, but that's life.. not jealousy... i chose my path in life and i will damned if anyone will or can sway me from my goals. i'm just a little discouraged and there are obsitcles in my path but at least i will see things clear to the light at the end of the tunnel. Current Mood: Cold Exterior, Colder Interior.

we are not at all amused this morning. at least instead of just sitting around being pissed off about it i decided to follow a chain of command and get some answers and do so politely. i have an understanding of what is happening and why now and things are going to be changing where they need to be. sometimes one with a strong mind and elqoquent delivery can be better than being a disruptive and hostile influnce. it's beeter to leave at peace than to look back in anger. ..and it helps to have a strong relationship with the real boss and not the idiot that thinks he's in charge. Current mood: Hostile, but Calm.

another one down that i'm not interested in.. i'd like to stay in my neighboorhood but a 4 story walk up for a small apt out of my usual income level is not a good idea.. the search continues.. a little discouraged but i'll find something. eventually. Current Mood: Positive but discouraged.

i was going to complain about the cold today but i got better cuter news in my email today, apperently my little man lost one of his baby teeth last night... cute news to put a smile on my face... lines of communication are starting to open and the emotional cold war may soon turn into glasnost. it's a positive. Current Mood: Happiness.

it's time to get things done... i have a reprive from the bullshit in the universe but i am onto one goal today.. I am getting the stuff needed for my new job together... i also have an interview in toronto next week and am still chasing apts looking for somehwere decent to live without all the petty ante horseshit i currently deal with... i will tell you something tho... i was very happy to tell the Salvation Army London that i wasn't interested today, i mean i just left the retards in brantford in less than a happy fashion you really fucking think i'd be interested in going back to psuedo facist quasi-military religious organization.. i'm not as stupid as i look. current mood: determined and content.

it's been a good couple of days, gonna drink some beer and play poker tonight. i'm les than impressed by the lack of a return phone call last night and then walking into you as you wandered out of a bar but that's par for the course for loser boy and loser girl. i have other things to occupy my time than passing judgement on your stupity, althought it does make me wonder... if you're spending your friday nights at 830 pm like that whats he doing? resposnible parenting ever heard of it??? then agian i don't give a damn there's always next weekend. just makes me sad to see that some people never grow up. of course the truth of the matter is the little one is probaly more mature than you. but whatever.... Current Mood: Not Impressed.

nothing like hanging out with old freinds in st. catherines and having pizza. slept here last night... a few of my more pressing concerns are no longer and issue and i am glad that i hung onto that slim strain of positivety... maybe everything in life is a test... god works in mysterious ways... being fed up and needing a break from hamilton was a grain in the sand converted into gold yesterday.. i needed the break, getting a little cabin fever or something. maybe if i'm lucky i'll call her at 3 am and take him for the weekend... i'm in st. cath why the fuck not? don't matter to me... i'm really looking forward to this new job too. Current Mood: Happine$$.

i am unsure of the future and frustrated by the fact that i do not know what is currently going on by anything. i am trying to stay positive but it seems like i spent yesterday going up agianst brick walls. i am confused and waiting on something that i should already have. nothing like having absolutely no faith in my previous employer and the fact i have to wait on those assholes makes things complicated with this new position. all i get is an official line of red tape bullshit, but thats par for the course, welcome to the bueracracy that is hamilton. i just want to have a stable job and not deal with fifteen million idiots. i am the master of my own destiny not anyone else. Current Mood: frustrated

it's been an interesting day, i am trying to figure everything out and disseminate everything that has been going on. staring at the void is never a healthy thing and it is very frustrating in terms of the brick walls that have been put up in terms of everything. yes i have some positivity happening but i am unsure of the next step. i have a shitload of things to do and accomplish in the meantime. I am really hoping that things don't change but having a reference vanish into thin air without a contact number is somewhat disheartening, i am hoping everything comes togerther the way it's supposed to be but right now i just don't know. it's like staring into a wall of black and confusion, there's no end in site. Current Mood: Confuzzled. Current Music: "Let It Rock" (feat. Lil Wayne)

so anyways it looks like i will no longer be out of a job as i have to get paperwork together for something new. it's exactly what i went to school for and i don't think i'll be miserable like i have been for the last six months in brantford.. it's on the mountain and it's a night sleep shift but i think they will work around my schedule which is fucking cool. it's nice to know that i have supports here when i need them but i haven't even bothered getting anything done in terms of anything i am just happy to be somewhere else. Current Mood: Happy.

good riddance to one of the stuopidest years in recent memory, at least i have had the last week and my son to buffer out all the negative energy and stupidity that was around me, it was kind of cool to just sit at home and play with toys and watch the same Thomas movie over and over and over and over and over agian for new years day. we ordered pizza that night and we were happy and then the next day we went to see his cousins in the east end and he got all wore out which was perfect for mommy the next day.. sometimes it's easier to ride out the bullshit and wait until you can actually deal with and do something about it rather than trying to save the world all on your lonesome when it's a holiday, people are cruel and do things in cruel fashion to make points and usually someones got to be the example to make the other idiots fall back into line... i am aware of the reason and why and when it was done but it doesn't make it any more legal or fair... of course i'm stil