Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Sometimes you just need to step back for a day and watch the world circle the drain.... some of the depression and anger i was feeling yesterday is lifting, i still think some of the emotions are valid and i need to get out of this fucking cookie cutter mode of everything i've been experinceing recently in my life and find some other Positivity.. but everything has it's time and can wait.... part of the depression yesterday is the hours i'm working in novemeber... i'm honestly thinking of quiiting if me working every fucking weekend becomes a trend, i am not giving up time with my son ever agian past this month. Current Mood: Less Angry.

I Needed a reminder Of who I am and what I have accomplished in this short life... even if my life seems like the shits right now i am aware that there is always a bright light at the end of every dark tunnel, i make my own choices and my own decisions and i blame no one for my failures but myself... I fly solo because there is little choice in this life, depending on people is the first thing i learned that lead to failure... i had a good fucking read of essays written 12 years ago today, that anger at a system that is broken and no one seems to notice that it's breaking is returning....i was so much smarter then, wilder maybe still but i miss that young gentleman, i see now thru decisions and the advice of others i have somewhat allowed myself to be tamed, material things and the struggle to maintain a certian lifestyle have changed me, i never planned on being in my thirties, i was gonna leave a good looking corpse. of course then responsibilites i can't ignore hit me like a

One wonders what is going on when one can no longer see anything in the future... it is confusing enough to not know what tommorow will bring but when someone sees a pattern that continues day after endless godless day it is frustrating. Current Mood: Bored.

This has been a rough week, i have been revauluating some things in life and am wondering exactly what the next step is, i'm greatful for some of my su[pport circle but i have closed down for a few days to get my head in order... i do not see tomorrow much less another day forward past that, everything is strange and confusing... i have many questions, while i remain positive my trust level is not where it should be with a lot of things currently and i need to figure them out for myself by myself. Current Mood: Positive.

One always thought there was enough faith to carry me thru anything but currently i am conflicted and wondering what the next step is.. agian... i am hoping for this new apartment while simalteonausly losing faith in the fact that it will actually happen... at least i can put the money down but the question remains when i will get a response.. my whole world currently feels upside down... and it doesn't help that the future is no longer clear at work either.. i am starting to doubt myself as a CYW, as a father, even as a human being... i mean i am not making any more money than i would be on disabilty and i fail to see the diffrence i am making in anyones lives... i don't know what to do. Current Mood: Depressed.

It's been one of those days... i am fucking losing it... i am so fucking pissed at the unseen bullshit i am wondering what the fuck was the point exactly to everything i have accomplished in my life.. jesus fucking christ i can't even get a goddamn cheque cashed and have to go downtown to do so... i am wishing sometimes that i hadn't bothered improving my life and getting my shit together... everything i have had as a result of late has turned to shit... i'll tell you this... i never had some goof landlord turning my life into hell when i wasn't working....I just fucked them over with the landlord tribunal.... i should fight him but i don't give a shit... and the whole paycheque thing is nonsense.. i should have more fucking hours.. i went nuts today looking for work.. so pissed off... it's seems like i'm desending into the blackest hole and there is no escape.. i know my darker places and right now i'm in one... you fucking people better look out...

I should not be living paycheque to paycheque and having to scrounge for food the last week the kind of hours i have been working... my paycheque today was ridiculous.... i work insane fucking hours... something's got to give.. if i have to go back to a fast food joint i will... what the fuck? speaking of which... some idiot from the place i used to work downtown called me today which is pretty fucked..... i'd rather busk all day then eat 100 dollars off each paycheque cuz someone fucked up his numbers thanks.... it seems any time things start turning positive and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel something else fucks up.. well at least right now all i see at the end of the darkness is more fucking darkness... hopefully the apartment on iverness turns out today but whatever.... it's all bullshit.. i'm right back to the fucking place i was 2 years ago where all i can afford is a shiity apartment cuz i have four hundred dollars in my pocket.... guess karma'

Another lousy night... at least i packed the house... if this fucking asshoile landlord continues his bullshit i am going to kick his fucking teeth down his throat.. i am sick of being bullied so he can his shitty life back in order and fuck up mine... if it comes to blows it comes to blows but this is fucking bullshit... and of course i find a place conveinent to work and it's cheap for a 2 bedroom and it's a fucking hole... welcome to hamilton... remind me agian why i live here? Current Mood: Annoyed.

I just noticed today that it has been almost exactly four fucking years since i started this blog.. originally it was a way to comment on the sad state of my life school and relationship woes, it has turned into something more... it has replaced writing poetry as cathartis to my inasnity that keeps revolving around in my head and it has been a place where i can report on my dreams coming true or a least an admission that there is a little tranquility in my life... it's suprising that it has lasted 4 years... not much has changed i'm still a miserable person most of the time but once in a while a little bit of sunshine manages to get thru the dark clouds.

This has not been the most interesting of weekends.. nor has it been easy.. where the hell do i start? the asshole landlord? the bullshit politics at work? or the child stealing ex whore who calls me up drunk is all lovey dovey pretending that things between us are kosher cuz she's loaded? sorry, that door closed five fucking years ago.. he's almost six already, i have long since closed the door, and while you're staring down a bottle you're getting nostaligic? what about the pain you have caused to me and him? we are not possesions subject to your fucking whim. it hurts when she pulls shit like that but whatever i get pissed off... i think it would have been funny had she not done it the minute i was walking out of a 14 hour shift at work, esp. when it was a positive but frustrating shift... i am a little sick of the nonsense politics at work, how the hell can i be taking others shifts when i am hardly getting any fucking shifts of my own? what a pile of horsecrap.. th

Not really doing anything today just bored out of my tree... looking forward to tommrrow.. pretty sad that i don't have anything to do but hang around and sit at home playing video games.. welcome to my life and the sad state of affiars i am doing nothing on my day off ..i should be doing something.... but i'm not. Current Mood: bored.

So anyways little man went home sunday very happy with his weekend and i had the oppurtunity last night to go see the bombers/cats game with one of the boys from work... i enjoyed it very much.. to know that i am making a diffrence even when things aren't always being viewed with rose colured glasses means a lot to me... the cats lost 28-38 by the way.. but having the feeling i had for the good part of last night makes me feel really good inside. Current mood: Happy.

nothing like sharing an experience that i had a million times with my nephew with my son today... it was pretty cool going to see one of monsters favorite movies with him.. it's pretty cool... he went on and on and on about seeing Stinky Pete in the second one. very cool that his favorite character is Kelsey grammer... seeing how that me and his mother's favorite show was Frasier lol. Current Mood: Tired.

It's nice to have even a rainy day turn into a lotn of fun even if we decide to go home instead of ancaster.... toy story got delayed a day till today but you know what.. it's unny out today so we are going.... he has been so well behaved today it's awesome... he really likes his new blue's little brother computer game too... he's such a good little boy.. i'm sad he has to go back tommorow morning but you know what... it's not about quantity of time it's about quality of time... Current Mood: happy.

So guess who discovered the Smurfs on a freinds teletoon retro tv show last night? it's a pretty awesome day when you sleep in and have someone being a good little boy and no misbehaving... he's pretty happy to be around and so am i.. I am very glad to have the holiday weekend off and be spending it with him. Current Mood: Content

One wonders what the next step will bring... at least as long as she who shall not be named plays ball i'll have little man for the weekend... which will make me happy... of course i might have to sarcifice some time at work but i'm not complaining... there is a reason i'm in St. Catherines trying to have an escape parachute.. i love my job but there has to be more out there for me.. i'm sick of being in a holding pattern, seems like everytime around samhain i tend to be in a holding pattern, just waiting for the next big thing... waiting for the job, or the girl, or the grades.. i am sick of it... i'm even more sick of the fact that as much i think i am making a diffrence and being a role model the more it seems i can't make any improvement it's time for me to start being proactive rather than reactive... for too long i have let the life pass me by without taking action... it's time to start being the person i was ten years ago... angry, passionate, wil

The frustrations continue, why is it that everytime i have something right going on in my life.. something else runs interference and fucks that all up.. what would it it take to just have the kid, the girl, the house, the car the job all come together at once.. ah yes i forgot... i'm not that person... it's not like the blaze of glory has passed me by... everything i wrote about.. expectations outlived... i'm trying to decide if thats a fucking good thing... right now it doesn't feel like it is so much... i am frustrated and the only i seem to escape it is at work which is another level of hell in and of itself. i loathe the current feeling... i hate everything right now and am so miserable it isn't funny... maybe i'll just go postal on this douche and not worry about having an apartment a kid or a job anymore. Current mood: Depressed. But it ain't that bad Cause I'm homesick for the home I never had

..And the bullshit continues.... soon it is going to come to a HEAD AND SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET THERE ASS KICKED... i'm just hoping that i find a new place before i kick his teeth in. Current mood: pissed.