Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while that you shouldn't have fucked with? That's me. I'm not currently very fucking happy with this stage of my life, decisions are being made for me right in front of me without any input and very soon in a lot of ways I'm going to have to make some fucking choices that people aren't going to like to preserve my sanity and the things in my life that are of utmost importance to me, i keep smiling like nothings wrong basic on my principles but a man can't survive on his fucking principles alone, i don't mind sacrifice, but when it seems all that im fucking doing it's more than a little frustrating, having every choice questioned doesn't exactly comfort me as well... i just don't particularly care that in some aspects my needs, wants and responsibilties are being ignored while money is spent esp when it is my fucking money.... I'm on a limited fucking income and my bills come first... i don&

It's kinda fucking cool that even tho my kid hasn't been able to enjoy the fruits of my labours the last few years other family members have, and good friends of mine have. I've been burnt and ripped off by more than a few, but I have some solid people that will stay as part of my life as a result. Little things like being asked for the dinosaur man mean everything to me on this holiday and make the pain go away for just a little while, and I'm glad these little things are things I can still do... And there will always be some left over to remind me that it was worth it, it will stand for something, it was a part of my life and I'm still here and still standing as a result, it wasn't all bad. Knowing that for all the fucking darkness it might have invited, that a little goodness has come out of it as well, it's a sobering thought and it does make me look back upon it with a little less regret. he will be home soon enough and there will always be things here

It's strange. How hollow i feel. Like there might be echoes inside of me. Like I'm one of those chocolate rabbits they used to sell around Easter, the ones that were nothing more than a sweet shell encapsulating a world of nothing. I'm like that. I encapsulate a world of nothing This holiday is one of the few that has been easier than most, there is still something missing, but sitting with loved ones around a dinner table and having happy memories isn't a bad thing and soon, things will change.... I have options and i have a good solid center for the first time in years.. things aren't perfect, but i can weather a lot of storms the way things are right now. i miss you and wish you were here and I am fighting very hard so this is the last Easter you'll miss. there are things here for you and you haven't been forgotten. you never will be.It's kinda lame the way things are, but that's never been my choice or yours and the causes of that will be dealt

Nothing will remain of you: not a name in a register, not a memory in a living brain. You will be annihilated in the past as well as in the future. You will never have existed. It has been five years, Six Easter weekends since you started this war, I'm still here and I'm still standing and fighting for him, he has not been forgotten, nor have you truly erased me from his mind... the end is coming soon, I am just waiting, I will never be your fucking martyr on this battlefield, I will always find a way to fight, even when I don't want to... so much has come and gone in the last few years but at least one of us can hold there head up and say I never resorted to bullshit tactics, I just fight, fist to the bone... you wanna throw punches, be prepared to catch more than a few of them along the way, I have No fear of you, but it fucking sucks that this time of The year once again there is something hollow growing out of the space that used to be my heart, and you are 100% to b

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. I need to make a choice and very soon, I'm not going to sugar coat things and keep having the patience to bite my fucking lip when confronted by my choices and other people's fucking choices... I don't mind sacrifice when it's needed but I'm not going to be bled dry either... I've been in this exact same situation back in 00-01, and 04, Difference being back then i worked my ass off busking and working to make it work, this time i have something else i can do, but I'm sick of every dollar going elsewhere, I don't mind helping out and sacrificing but i shouldn't be bitched at for choices from over a month ago... I don't need drama in my life when i choose to be here instead of at home alone... and I'm not going to continue to be the emergency breadwinner until there's nothing left... I made a choice on several points to sac

Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light. There comes a fucking time in my life if I feel trapped I am going to fucking run away and say fuck it, there are things in my life that are important, and when I constantly do for others but forget my own child how the fucking hell is that fair? I honestly don't know the next step, other than I'm not big on being fucking controlled and imprisoned. Right now I'm feeling a lot of both.... Is my heart in the right places? Maybe, is my mind? I don't know anymore, it's frustrating, this last year I gladly swallowed pride on many occasions to do for others, I'm starting to feel like when push comes to shove it won't be done with me, I've resisted returning to Windsor and saying fuck it all for a decade, now I spend most of my time an hour away from Windsor and that prospect has me seriousl

The man once wrote: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Tolkien had that one mostly right. I stepped forward, let the door bang closed, and snarled, "Fuck subtle. I'm Sick of being Angry about everything In my life, I do and don't see things in my fucking Life Improving, I don't know how much longer i can sit being a spectator in my life waiting on things to happen and sacrificing every little part of my life that fucking makes me, ME. every little part of me that's left is slowly becoming something else... I have made my choices in this life but i am seriously starting to reevaluate them, I don't know where i am going to be at this point of my life next year and I need to start doing what's best for myself and My survival, I don't mind sacrificing for others, but it shouldn't be fucking assumed... these are things that belong to me that maybe should go towards things that I might need to fight this b

Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat. I'm still Standing Here, I'm still fighting... even tho there are days I don't know why... Sometimes all i feel is that im fucking standing still and nothing changes, the older I get the more that fades away from my life, I want to both go back to way things were and I want to completely forget the persons I used to be.. I'm not one for looking back, i never have been, things change, people change, and I have changed, more the warrior now than the fucking poet and academic, that man is dead to me for the most part, his death was slow and sure, I had help in the killing off of that part of my soul, as forty approaches i almost wonder If i should give up or keep going, for those that know me there is only one fucking answer, but sometimes the road ahead is blurred... I can't see clearly at the moment.. But I'm still standing and still going... I'm just r

The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers. The next month is not going to be an easy one as I have reconcile for myself that it's been five years since you started this war, the fact that this was over nothing more than me taking a few extra days on a holiday? It's March break, my son should be here, happy and hanging out and checking out his new toys. That's not how it is tho, is it? That's not the people we are anymore, maybe it's not the people that we ever were, but I know this, it's not over, not yet, not by a long shot. I may stare the past in the face every fucking day of my life, but that only serves to remind me, that my future, my child is out there....and I have not and will not abandon him. That's not how this works. You know what that outcome is going to be, there's a reason I gave you the only terms of surrender you are ever going to fucking get, it was a way out, if I'm going to su

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. I am strangely at peace with knowing that the toy thing is in my rear view mirror, I do have some good friends and some awesome stories to tell from the entire experience and the longer i look upon it and debate about what I am going to keep and what's left I realize that while it was an absolute adventure it always had a finite lifetime and there are other things I need to accomplish, maybe the first step in the next step of my life is looking back and finishing something I left a decade ago to accomplish something that was more Important to me in term's of being as much of a full time as i could have been. I have no regrets, but it's time for me to bot

There are many different kinds of bravery. There’s the bravery of thinking of others before one’s self. Now, your father has never brandished a sword nor fired a pistol, thank heavens. But he has made many sacrifices for his family, and put away many dreams. Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. It's finally done.... I can look upon what's left and Realize what the last few years have done for me and what I have lost, but the truth is, the things that I have fucking gained from the last few years are not the things that i can quantify and hold in my hands... Yes there will always be a few items i leave behind for my son to speak of this this adventure I have been on, But knowing he wasn't there except in my heart for every moment of it is always going to Haunt me, that being said there are some things saved deliberately to remind him that for a moment this is what I had done, She h

I am weak, perhaps, or I am a fool. Whichever the case, I am not yet ready to stop this war I wage; I have never claimed to know what my next step is, All i know is that i have never looked back except once which was a mistake, other than that I have always moved forward, even when i have had to fight.. now all I have left is the war, I never claimed to not know how to fight but i've long since lost the drive to want to. I honestly wonder things when I wonder what i could have done differently... A decade this July i made a choice to put my son over my education and what has that gotten me? sand fleeting from my hands... A never ending battle with a selfish woman who only cares about her best interests.....A war that's neither wanted or one that I am ever able to walk away from... I look at all the options and play all the cards.. and now they are all on the table... this is war, this is about who has the tactical advantage, this is a chess game with real world consequences