Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I  don't know where we stand but I know anything I try to to do I need to be six moves ahead of you because otherwise you'll think you're in control. The secret is, when it comes to me, with one exception, you've never been in control. It occurs to me at this moment we are at the exact sAme place we were at this time last year. With me angry and hurt and cross with you, yet still planning something stupidly huge that I will follow thru with.  I don't know how to fail. I never did. I'm not about to stop now. I know what I want. What I want is you, what I want is my family back. Complete and whole. There's only one answer to that. You know what it is. You set the rules. I just changed the questions. I can deal with the silence and the mindgames, I know you'll always come back. For what it's worth you and I are the only constants left in each other's life.    That was by you're choice and you're design. Love you or hate you, at war, at peace

I am a phantom soldier fighting a long dead war, it ended long ago but the fragile peace and stability I chose to take from what was left of the ashes doesn't feel any better. It wasn't as complicated when all that I had in my black heart was anger and hate for you. It made it easier to move on in this hollow world.  Now I just feel fucking empty.

I am still standing, a decade after I should have fell and been broken. Even in silence and anger I have you're back and I will catch you when you fucking fall every fucking time.  Our biggest fucking problem is that I don't know how to back down, not to you, not to anyone. It's a strength but it makes whatever we are, whatever we were, whatever we are going to be difficult. I will always be here for you, but I will always stand my ground and I will never ever back down. We've fought a war and ended up on the other side and these emotions remain. I walk away constantly but that's a bridge too far for you to cross. I'm you're albatross in life, I'm aware of that. But I still can't come to you, you have to come to me. I am missing some of who I used to be, but some of who I used to be is an illusion and wishful thinking... but some of it was real and even tho we had to struggle, I think we were happier than we are now. I know that I was happier then

I know I'm better than you. I don't play the games you do. What you get from me is black and white, right there on the page. Mixed with a river of blood, but I haven't changed. You did. The worst part is I see my freind get happily married and I realize how easily that could have been us multiple times. But that's you're fucking choice not mine. I don't like the fact that I'm in love with you and some moments make me feel like I failed so hard... and other moments make me feel like it's not me that's too fucking blame. This weekend I had validation, I may be a drunk fuck up. But I am far from the fucking problem. I am tortured by my alcoholic dreams of you, this moment, it's not where we are supposed to be. It's never been. You've always been the only one. I still dream of you every goddamn night, there's no point in denying it now. No reason to.

I don't need anyone but the ones that has alway have my back. It's interesting to see who says they are going to be there at the end and who truly fucking proves it. I know I have issues with alcohol, I don't argue that point it's why I only get completely stupid in moderation. I had a good time and as usual I made memories that will last a fucking lifetime for someone who really matters in my life. And the biggest one wasn't even part of the weekend of drinking but it was definitely worth doing and I am hoping that the one that some days I claim to love above all others, and my son will be able to enjoy that experience soon for his 18th. We will see, I am growing colder and bitter on that front. But I don't need her vindication to have a good life, I never fucking have. I never fucking will. I enjoy my friends and my family and sometimes those lines blur. I'm just not going to be emotionally available anymore that doesn't have my back 100 percent. I kno