Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

You know it's kinda nice to have a happy moment once in a while and not have the weight of the world on my shoulders and just hang out at home and play lego games with the neighbors.....It was a very nice feeling and reminded me how much i Miss my own kid, esp. when the inqustive little fellow asked me where he was going to go to school here and telling me he wanted him to go to his school, almost made me bawl my eyes out in tears.... I picked the right place in Dundas I am sure, when this is all over those two are going to become fast freinds... It mad me sad to tell him that I didnt want him to live with me full time but just enough to hang out on weekends, maybe do karate and hanging out in the summer...but It will all work out soon and I am moving forward towards that goal... There's not enough time to always be angry and vengeful sometimes it's just got about those little moments of happiness.... I'm hoping that soon I'll be able to share more with both the lit

Sometimes Rage is a momentary distraction that Helps fuel the day if i Need it but underneath all of that Is the Hope that things will go back to normal, even if elements are changed and will one day be all right... it's a chess game and a waiting period but as long as I move forward and don't lose hope.. I'll be fine...I can't allow my anger to define my life even if it is one of my defining traits.. without my anger I wouldn't have done half the things i have in my life.. but without Hope... I wouldn't have kept going. Current Mood: Determined. Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.

Yup, Another day And I'm still angry... I should not have to spend my days busking in sub zero temperatures so I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from, or Sacrifice by selling items bought for me and my child's enjoyment... it will hurt tomorrow selling his Thomas table, but the reality is that he had fun with it and he has outgrown it long ago... and I can't recover that lost time..it has been taken away, I'll just make it up to him for his birthday and Christmas this year... I am downsizing for a reason, If and when I make a choice to walk away I won't have lingering reminders of my former life here in Hamilton... That days not coming but It is always an option...It is always my choice to use this Anger and Rage to fight for the things I believe in, and the people I love instead of letting it destroy me...I don't know at this point what i would do without the Anger...it has it's uses...it helps me Survive... anything. At this poin

I am the master and Ruler of my Destiny, I have never let anyone but me choose my path for me.. I am not about to allow that to change now.. I can sink into a deep depression and sulk about the reality of my world or I can use it and the anger attached as fuel, Rage and Anger aren't always negatives they can be used for positives... So days I think without my anger I would not survive.. being angry helps me survive..I have always been agianst the world in most of the the ways i have accomplsuhed things.... I have always been held down.. and that has not stopped me.. I know the odds... I challenge them... I defeat them....Without that hunger at the bottom of my soul, without the anger and rage that drives me I would be hollow shell... made even hollow with the events of the last two years... I cannot belive it has been that long... Honestly without my anger to drive me... I don't know How i would survive when all I see and Belive at this moment in the world is wrong. This is not

I am sick of Being a polite and Nice guy.... When not dealing with people leaves me out in the cold playing guitar to get a burger and Cigarettes, It's a Necessary Evil but It is not something I enjoy doing in the middle of the winter In the cold downtown of my city as It's screaming... I know I am better than this, And I didn't Imagine years ago when i first started on my adventures that I would be this broken down that this would be my main source of Income, i had a good job, I was doing the guitar thing when it was nice weather as a hobby, Now it seems almost daily for survival.... even with looking for a job, It's something That needs to be done... Starvation is not part of the equation, but I feel real angry and vengeful to the person who elected to place me in this position.. years ago the hobby helped out around the house when we were together.. but now I am forced to rely on the same hobby for survival... It leaves a bad taste in my mouth among other things....I

It's time to stop doing anything but moving Forward.... Letter's are needing to be written and phone calls made and directions given to people that need to follow them, I am fighting an upward battle But for the first time In a little while I feel that I have the upper hand... it's time for those that hide behind the smoke and mirrors and shadows to come out into to the light and be revealed for what they truly are... I don't mind being painted as the villain and the asshole right now If it leads me to far greater victory, i will make an annoyance of myself.. I will piss people off.. it's what I'm good at... and I can affect people both Positively and negatively as well...I'm sick of waiting... I'm sick of just thinking something might get done...It's time for me to Start Doing. Current Mood: Angry, Determined. You think your world is safe? It is an illusion.

Days like today and Sunday make me sad knowing that some things are meant to be exactly like they are and other things are great injustices in this world, hanging out with someone that reminds me a lot of my own son and is just as inquisitive and just as hyper and happy reminds me of how much I have lost in the last two years and How much I am missing, and How much I miss him.... One day it will be all over and things will be back to normal and they will become fast friends, but for the moment their is a huge hole, a gap on the inside of my heart and soul and no matter what I do, it's always there and no momentary distraction can take it away.... I cannot Even Imagine How He's feeling. Current Mood: Sad. 'Tis better to suffer wrong than do it.

This is only a game of Chess, This is Only a Strategy game, This Is only a War game... There has been no forward or background movement and we are stuck at basically what amounts to being a stalemate... it doesn't matter how hard I push forward or backwards... we are no closer to either one of us being the victor at any point, the only damage being done in this stalemate is to two lives maybe three that hang in the balance, only one of the those is important and I find it sad that one jealous and self centered person has taken it upon herself to destroy two other's lives... It's never been about any more than that for her, just gaining an advantage... as the wall's crumbles around her and the red queen starts to regard what has happened to her as epic fail... then the stalemate will break and maybe she'll be the one feeling remorse for what she's done... either that or He will grow up and hate one or both of us... But I know this... It has not been for nothing

.. And we are moving forward but somehow still in reverse, nothing like going up In the court and watching her say all the nice things and fully expect her to do nothing, of course that's why you have to be ready to move a few moves ahead in a chess game and have all your bases covered, while I am angry that only a little movement was achieved today she has show her hand of cards and the little advantage she thinks that she has is whittling away and will eventually destroy her, I'm just getting sick of the game and of the battle... I grow weary and it is almost like she enjoys it... soon I will have the information in hand to prove her half truths and misconceptions, and it might be time to bring a third hand into play, something to give me another advantage... there is only so long you can hide and after 2 years I am fucking sick of it.... to hear that it might be six months or longer, and we all know that their will be stall tactics....I'm not sure how much longer I can s

The Battle is Not over.... But the End is drawing Near... There is only so much left to do and only so many excuses left.. As long as I am determined and move forward and Provide the light that I am searching for...I can See the end of this dark tunnel, I tire quickly of the fight and the Games...But it is a noble fight... I've never been one to back down from anything, and today and this battle is no exception, this is just a game and It has been one for the last 8 years... The reality is that it will never be over... but every move is just a counter balance to her next move...but as Long as I keep strong and never let it defeat me I will never be truly defeated, it's about resolve, it's about the kind of man I am. I hoping today is good news, but either way it's just another step fucking forward. Current Mood: Anxiety “Each time a person stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lives of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple o

I am angry, But I am also determined... I know who the enemy And i can see that Clearly.. My life is not dictated by mindless rage... I do not blindly follow my emotions.. I follow only what emotions i need to to get the inevitable conclusions. Tomorrow is a big day, it is the first time i have seen some light in the road weary battle in a long time... this battle I am sick of fighting but again just as determined to win, and never give up.. Another chess piece has been added to the game, another strategy another part of the game... another piece move closer to eventual checkmate. you may be able to break me down but you can and will not break me... and even though i may have to humble myself and open up to those I do not trust, esp. pawns of the system it's a noble sacrifice that I do for clarity and to clear my name... that's the determination in my eyes... that's all I have left... and it will not be snuffed out. Tommorow is one of the first steps towards Final victory.

I know that I have demons and I know that I have faced more and worse demons than you and emerged from the fire unscathed and I am not without my sins and My things that I regret... But you and that child are never going to be one of them... I don't know what demons drive you to ask this way but i know exactly where my demons guide me.. and why the do...I hold no illusions about where I'll end up at the end of my life... but I know that day isn't for a long fucking time... and I won't be damned for things I have not done, Not on this on this earth and Not beyond. I know exactly there darkness and anger and rage in my soul.. and this are things that drive me... these are things that keep me whole.. I've seen real evil in this world.. and why I may never be a part of it.. proving otherwise is a terrible fucking burden so I have to stand tall and Fight and let the battle continue... my demons have come very close to consuming me...but I enjoy burning in the fire... I c

I have been more silent recently than usual and that may continue to be a trend in 2013, as I have keeping my emotions, my rage and my thoughts closer to the vest than usual as It is time for the battle to continue and for the battle to end... I have faced my best and worst demons and I know that on any fucking day I am stronger than any of them, except for the one given form, the one that hates me more than any other mortal person on this earth, I have given other people reason to hate me, But She is the only one I know that has given me reason to hate her completely... But that battle is not over, and I am not damned, I will face the demon and her delusions head on, without backing down, without violence.. I will fight, I will defend myself and The little person most important in the middle of this... but i will not stoop to her level, I will not play her game... it's time for action, It's time for victory... I haven't walked away even as tired as I am of the game... I

It's getting closer to the time that is needed to be and that some of the unanswered questioned that remain something that need to be answered are going to be... I am sick of this battle, it's pretty sad when you are used to being broken down that it is the very thing that makes you strong... i revealed a side of myself today in talking about all the things that have been broken down from me in the last few years.. and it made me think, maybe that has been the purpose all along... If i can't have you and mold you the way I want, maybe then you want to destroy me and everything I hold dear... it's almost been ten years since I said goodbye for what I had hoped was the final time... it's time to show you for your true colors, and the only way to do that is to have patience and let you fail for everyone to see by your own fucking actions, not mine. It's never been about me anyways...except for you. Current Mood: Determined. You can stand tall without standing on