Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I like angry me better. When I’m pissed off in my life I think clearer and free of distraction and I’m more goal oriented. When I’m angry that emotion burns all the other emotions away and I don’t fall into the weakness that is love or compassion for the wrong people. I like being hard and a person to be feared. It’s a way to deal with people when they are aware I am not a person to be fucked with, more than one this week may be getting a clear indication of how pissed off I am. I will burn that fucking bridge because you don’t seem to have any empathy. Have you met me, I’m 300 times worse when I want to be. Dark and angry me with no attachments is always the best me.  I  don’t burn bridges, I blow them up. While I’m still on it.

This is not the life I chose. This isn’t where I should be in this moment. But this is where I am. These are the Choices that have been made for me by fate, and I live according to my responsibilities and circumstances. Doesn’t mean I have to like it, and like every moment of my life I’m not settling. I live regardless of my circumstances. I do things. I don’t sit at home waiting for the next thing in my life to happen. I make those things happen. I go on adventures. I live my life.  I will never stay home miserable feeling sorry for myself and conforming for a world that never wanted me to fit in anyways. The idea of being normal repulses me. People aren’t jealous because I have the stable home life. The jealousy stems from my adventures. Wishing they could have a life like mine. But here’s the thing, I fought my battles for decades, I have earned what little happiness I have left and the right to do the things I want. I did the right thing for long enough. I’m still Doing the right t

I should just crawl into a bottle the way that you do to deal with the world. I could be a functional alcoholic at this point. It’s not Iike I have much to I’ve for that the alcohol would affect.  And I have a never ending way to access the alcohol. It would be fitting seeing how you are the one who taught me how to do drink and how to use it to ignore the problems in my world and numb the fucking pain. It’s not like I haven’t been functional and drunk before. Hell at the end of the job I had to drink to forget my problems there. Never on shift but very often after that would be how I Dealt with a bad day. Maybe it’s time to become the abyss. It’s not like I have much to live for. The bottle beckons every day. The fact I have the equivalent of a Texas mickey in my possession means I can easily get smashed in and on any fucking moment I choose to. I never should have lost my anger and replaced it with hope. Because one kept me going and the other one just leaves me disappointed and depr

This is the wrong week to piss me off. I will Fucking ghost you like you never ever existed no matter how long we have been freinds.  It’s happening and it’s not just one person that is getting that treatment. You affect my life in a negative way and you are not my sons mother? You are fucking gone. I am sick of people that take advantage and don’t care because there situation is better than mine. You’re either my freind or you aren’t. I have responsibilities too. If I do something out of friendship don’t constantly fuck me over. I remeber very well why I kept my distance when I was fighting my private war and had a decent income coming in. Because I’m the asshole freind that you do stupid shit with and make fun of. Ever wonder why you’re little brother has my complete respect yet you don’t? Because of the difference in the way the two of you treat me.you’re a fair weather freind. And I honestly have enough of them. You piss me off enough. Well just ask TJ up in Windsor how that went.

This week of all weeks I hate being alone with my thoughts when I should be beside you being you’re support when the two of you need me. It’s the same old regret it’s been for a decade. If I am hurting this much I can’t imagine how much the two of you are affected. I’m broken. So I can’t imagine how you guys feel. I’m sick of being strong. But this is one moment I know I have to be every year. That’s not a choice. No anger, no judgement. Just the love I have left to give to you. That’s all. Maybe even if I have to be the strong silent type. I’m used to it. I just hope one day you catch me when I fall.

I live, because I know what it is like to have it taken away. That’s why I do things and I am slowly going down the bucket list of adventures. Because I have the finances and the freedom to do it.  There were times in my life I was a prisoner and it’s only half way thru my life I’m stable financially and emotionally and mentally and at peace and not fighting my individual Wars.  So I’m gonna do all the fucking things I was denied before because of responsibilities and choices in my life. I go silent and don’t follow up with you because I’ve earned the right to live my life and be happy. I want you in it very much but I also want my mental health and peace of mind just as much. I have earned the right not to have to chase the one I love to protect the ones I love, not anymore. It’s way too late for that.  Either I’m in your life at your choosing or I’m not. I’m not going to fight for your attention or Affection any more than I am going to fight for your love. I already know I have you’r

Our story isn’t finished. The fact that we respond to each other in the moments that matter. It means one day maybe there is hope to fix it. I don’t know how much trying I have left in me anymore. You’ve gotta come to me, my life doesn’t reach to you. That’s the status quo that’s where we stand right now.  I’m enjoying my life and my adventures. And I wish so much for some of them that you and him were beside me, but that’s always going to be your choice not mine. I’m on your schedule. I just want to fix the things that went wrong. We should be a family not adversaries. I’m good with being at peace with you and I’m happy with my life and the way it stands. I spent too much time chasing something else and I had nothing to show for it, so I’m happy with my place in life. I’m stable. You and him are the only things missing in my life. But I am not chasing half moments. All or nothing you made that clear. So will I. It’s in your hands to fix this now. To fix the tale that wasn’t right. I h

Sometimes I just don’t have the words to say anything. I had difficulty sending you a message today because I know I had to. That’s who I am. And I will always honour his grandmother. But ten years on and we are at some sort of civil discourse finally. It’s not where either one of us would like it to be, but that’s on me. I will always regret not being there ten years ago when the two of you needed me most. And I think that’s part of whatever is wrong with us. That I wasn’t there. You think I won’t be there now. It may take forever but I’m always going to be there.  I miss her too. She will always be remembered.

This has always been about you. Not about you and me, not you and my son. Only yourself. You chose to betray me, I never chose to betray you.  And you did more than once, you tried to destroy me. And now as you’re world comes crumbling down because of your actions and decisions in this life you think I will be the rock and the constant, you’re not wrong but it’s not because I have a fucking choice. I may always be there but that’s because the cards I’ve been dealt. You’ll ruin any other attempt to move on in a relationship with some one else anyways.  I don’t trust you. As close as we have almost gotten I still don’t trust you and you owe me an apology I have never gotten.   You’re life crumbles and I’m still here waiting to catch you, but one day once again you will wound me and I will walk away completely again. I can’t affect the bad decisions that you have made in your life. I’m just trying to attempt to make you see that better ones can arise from the chaos. That’s the reason for

I am happy and I am doing things that I love with the people that are currently in my life that I love. The people that have my back, always. Yes there is something and someone missing but last night that concert the third participant should have been my son. I am going to continue to be happy and at peace because it’s simply new more fun and more interesting than to be constantly fighting wars.  I’m done with that, it’s easier to just be Me. Whatever that will come, will come. I’ve never expected anything easy in my life. Like the shirt used to say do it the hard way. Doesn’t mean I can’t have a little fun song the road, with my companions. I am in a good place with my life and I don’t need anyone that doesn’t want to be there. Period. You’re not allowed to just come and go with my emotions.

I will be here. You and I both know that. There is no one else. There is no other choice because you will destroy it. I have no question about that. Just like you destroyed everything else. But you have always forgotten, I am the approaching storm, you can’t destroy something like that. You can just tear it down a little bit. But I am a force of nature and I just smile when you drown me in gasoline and I dance in the fire. Because that’s exactly who I am. I have survived things that would have killed and broke a weaker man.  But that’s part of the attraction isn’t it? That I’m not a weaker man. I take everything you give me and some of it I am aware it is a test and I just smile and get back up on me feet and say is that all you got? Gimme more, and I do it with a fucking psychotic smile…     This is where we are at right now. You come you go. I don’t really give a shit some days. I’m busy being at peace doing amazing shit with my friends and having epic nights. You are simply not need

I don’t know what your agenda is and if there even is a fucking endgame to all this. But I know that I am starting to feel like I’m just here to be an emotional support animal. You aren’t the only thing in my life that is important. I don’t need the constant mindfuck. I’m happy and busy being alone. I truly am starting to not care and that brings its own sort of freedom. I’m trying to play an old rusted out chess game with you, but the pawns are missing and we have established that you’re queen has emerged victorious now it’s just 32 moves to stalemate.  And that’s what you can’t stand. I stopped. I made the war end. I’m at peace. You are not. That’s my victory. And you hate that I have in some mall measure won. That’s why the constant mindfuck. Yet lately all you trigger is apathy because all I have to give you is the fact that you are a very effective distraction but it’s getting easier and easier to separate the emotions I have for you and deal with this logically. It probably sound

I have always fought wars in my life. These battles didn’t start and begin in 2000. They started when I was a fucking child. And all I ever gained in those battles for me and my family members was a little bit of gained ground every time. But we stood our ground and never asked for anything. For someone on the outside looking in to judge my current circumstances and judging someone inducing care about for his choices is hypocritical as all shit, I’m trying to maintain normality and no thank you I don’t need. Or want your help. But thank you for exposing your true colours which I have long suspected that I wouldn’t be able to call on you if something happened to him again.    I’ve known that for two years. For Fucks sake even my wife isn’t that cold.  This is why I face things alone and don’t ask anyone I don’t completely trust for anything. Because it will eventually be thrown in my face or someone else’s close to me. I’ve learned that nothing in this world come without a price or a ju

First, I am not a living emotional crutch you can contact any time you feel down and sad for my unconditional love and support. There is a price. One some day you will have to acknowledge that you will hav to pay or I will walk away completely once agian. The fact that I know you’re manipulating things to your own agenda. That’s fine. One day you will decide the consequences of you’re actions and decide exactly what you are going to do. Every day since that moment in 2003 you are    in control. I’ve accepted that fact that you control the narrative of whether or not I am in your and his life. The only difference is I control whether or not I bother with you and your bullshit. You contact me, I will always respond you know that, you know why.    But when you don’t I don’t fight, I don’t chase. I go radio silent for a reason.  I have my own life and my own responsibilities. I’m having fun and I don’t want for anything. I’m done trying to move the chess pieces to reclaim my queen. You kno

In my mind we are still at war, even when I am making a concentrated effort to be at peace with you. There are certain dates that the old hate returns and it becomes the strongest emotion. Even if the heart betrays me, the anger is still there and the emptiness can make it boil over. Logic and anger is stronger than my heart has ever been. Because neither of those things have never betrayed me the way that you have. You have no idea how much it takes to suppress the will to fight and somehow make you suffer still. But I am beyond that. I’m beyond being miserable. If I wish to be at peace I need to look beyond you. It’s something I don’t think I will ever be able to do. But at least when I look upon you now there isn’t anger, just pain. Pain you caused. You and I have a past. I’m not sure we have a future anymore. But I am sure the road not travelled    would have been the right one for us.  But it’s not the road that you chose for us. I don’t have regrets. You do. I just live my life a