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The Road Not Travelled.




In my mind we are still at war, even when I am making a concentrated effort to be at peace with you. There are certain dates that the old hate returns and it becomes the strongest emotion. Even if the heart betrays me, the anger is still there and the emptiness can make it boil over. Logic and anger is stronger than my heart has ever been. Because neither of those things have never betrayed me the way that you have.


You have no idea how much it takes to suppress the will to fight and somehow make you suffer still. But I am beyond that. I’m beyond being miserable. If I wish to be at peace I need to look beyond you. It’s something I don’t think I will ever be able to do. But at least when I look upon you now there isn’t anger, just pain. Pain you caused.


You and I have a past. I’m not sure we have a future anymore. But I am sure the road not travelled  would have been the right one for us. 


But it’s not the road that you chose for us. I don’t have regrets. You do. I just live my life and do fun things and live like I always have. No rules. No regrets and no looking back.


I am not the one to blame for how the world has affected you, in some ways it’s not even about you. It’s just what has happened to you. Just because I am here doesn’t mean that it’s unconditional, I do have expectations. I always have.


I have nothing to prove to you, but you have plenty to prove to me, and you know that. You’ve always known that. That’s why you can’t face the reality of making choices and changes that you need you. 


But I’m patient and I am in a good place. I don’t mind waiting. I never have. I just dislike the fact that you’ve expected to wait.


Flames do go out. And I have no idea how we ended up where we are right now anyways. 


The fact that certain decisions long term have come back to haunt the both of us, a lot of that of that is because of you’re decisions and my apathy.  We could have been someone else, we could have been somewhere else. We should have been.


I don’t know where we would have ended up, I just know where we are now. And where I think at some point where we would like to be. But that means you have to deal with stuff in your life and in you’re head. You know what’s waiting.


I’m at a place in my life where I am happy, and I enjoy doing my adventures and just living. The only thing is missing is having you at my side and giving our child the kind of experiences that we had together. I think that is lacking in your life. I know that I am lacking in your life. I have no doubts about that.


The best choice in my life was putting my weapons down and letting the war end in peace. I should have done it a long sooner and been civil with you instead of being angry. Regardless if we had ever spoke again, it would have been a better healthier outcome for the both of us.

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