Wasted Years.

I live, because I know what it is like to have it taken away. That’s why I do things and I am slowly going down the bucket list of adventures. Because I have the finances and the freedom to do it. 

There were times in my life I was a prisoner and it’s only half way thru my life I’m stable financially and emotionally and mentally and at peace and not fighting my individual

Wars.  So I’m gonna do all the fucking things I was denied before because of responsibilities and choices in my life.

I go silent and don’t follow up with you because I’ve earned the right to live my life and be happy. I want you in it very much but I also want my mental health and peace of mind just as much. I have earned the right not to have to chase the one I love to protect the ones I love, not anymore. It’s way too late for that. 

Either I’m in your life at your choosing or I’m not. I’m not going to fight for your attention or

Affection any more than I am going to fight for your love.

I already know I have you’re love. You just have to figure out the rest of it.

When you do I’ll be here. I’ve always been here.

I want to come home, but that’s always at your discretion. I’m not looking back however.. I’ll catch you when you fall. Every time.

But i am nobody’s hero. That’s by design. I follow my own path now. For the moment that’s all I have left.

This nostalgic trip only brings pain every time I allow it in. But I need it to. I need it to hurt, so I’m reminded how much I still love you and how badly everything went wrong.

I’ve always been happier playing the villain, but I think it’s just time to settle got being me without the theatrics for a while. It’s getting boring doing my epic adventures without someone to truly share them with and you are missing.

I don’t know where anything is leading. But I haven’t given up. Not yet. There is hope in the darkness. I’ve drawn that line in the sand. 

One day maybe. Till then I’ll be here. Where I have always been. Here.

I hide in my darkness until the time is right because I think it’s what I deserve, and eternity of hell for not choosing to to be there in the moment that you needed. And this week I feel that pain most of all. It’s not a tiny wound in my heart it’s a gaping hole like someone drove a fist thru.  I try to pretend I don’t have emotions and bury everything I feel but I cannot. It’s too hard to be this cold. 

We wasted a lot of years being angry with each other. I’d like to have some of them back one day.

I hope it’s a possibility. You should know me if I set a goal and put my mind to it I will eventually get what is mine. And you know you are on a timeline. Tick tock.

I’m trying. But I moved on once. You are my family and staying in the shadows once was a mistake we all regret. But, it’s also my defining moment. In you’re moments of loving me or hating me you have always had some form of respect for me, and me on some level the same for you. It made our private battle a quiet war and very hard to deal with. You almost destroyed me and still I love you. That’s doesn’t make sense.

There has to be something more. We have to be something more.

It hurts more than usual this year. I think part of it’s the date but alternating between full crash out depression episode and spending days where I can’t sleep I don’t have any answers. I think it is the fact that you are in and out of my life and the that you have always given me the most poisonous of things…. Hope.

There wasn’t going to be anyone else long term. There isn’t. There isn’t going to be any one else long term. We need to both accept that and quit running away from each other. 

You are my true home.

As the world fell it was hard to know who was more crazy. Me... Or everyone else.