Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I know. I was there. I saw the great void in your soul, and you saw mine. It's interesting how I go thru moments in my life where I just want to distance myself from things that have came before, I have done it in the past, it's certainly something I'm attempting to do now. I'm old, frustrated and wondering what the next step is, the toy thing is done, a few dying fucking embers won't change that. The battle continues, a war that has defined us both, and will define the man he is. The question is what remains of who we used to be, in my case, I honestly feel there's not much left of who I used to be, I have an ideal of both who I am and who I used to be, but that's clouded by five fucking years of hell, a decade of fighting, and questions that remain unanswered to this day, if I'm angry and cynical there is a reason for that. This is the person you've made me, heartless, uncaring, unattached. The one thing I will never fucking be is your favourite

You think your world is safe? It is an illusion. A comforting lie told to protect you. I don't bluff and I don't show all my cards till the end of the hand. Right now my options given are you're only options, I don't know how to back down or be anything more than the man I am. You are the one who changed and changed things, not me. I've got no problem holding a strong poker face, this is going to be over soon. Let's see who wants to gamble more. I'm doing being nice and I'm done playing nice. This is all one uninteresting mind game to me and honestly I don't give a fuck, I'm not Alice unhinged. I only know my actions and the consequence of my words and actions, I don't understand what the reason was this weekend, but it's there, and this is another chess move, what am I expected to respond with other than an angry defensive posture? It's been five fucking years, there is no reason for me to be civil much less have a fucking convers

...And you, you better run because i'm going to destroy you for what you've taken from me. This is war. There is no communication, there is no fucking reason to be civil, I don't have to be anything but angry and full of hate. I gave you your moment but I stood fucking firm and let you know that there is only one way our story ends. There is no negotiation, there is no maneuvering or manipulation, the time for that is long over. I may want this ended, but you know I'll never back down or give up. He's my son period. It felt good getting a huge weight off my chest and confronting you on some level, but do you think I trust you? Do you think I will ever fucking care about you again? Do you really think we can go back to any real form of communication? I will give you no quarter on the battlefield, you know how to end this. I've drawn lines in the sound, I've outlined my fucking terms. This is how it ends. And if it doesn't, welcome to hell. You destroyed

It doesn't take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle. God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right, even though I think it is hopeless. It's time to go Back to the man I used to be, before all the fire and flames, before the fire inside burned itself out in a nuclear phoenix of hatred and anger, I am still the guy somewhere deep inside, it just takes a little more these day to find the hope that i can possibly make a change within the system rather than have it masked by bitterness, hatred and anger. The system has still failed but the only way to fix the fucking thing is always going to be from the inside. I'm no longer a younger man and Idealist about making that change, I just have to find my place to be first, and then possibly make some fucking changes, the first thing I need to go is go back to real fucking work and be the man I used to be, before the flames. It's time. I have an outlook

Is your cause just, or is that ''just'' what you tell yourself? Thing's have changed and there is a very new dynamic in this battle, another unexpected chess move to gain an advantage for god knows what reason, however I have a good poker face, and this is not a Game we are playing for my son's Soul, This Is fucking War. Brutal, unapologetic and Bloody, it's just War. Who gives a Fuck how much It has changed, At the End there can only be one of us standing tall and the other will be ashes upon the ground, Defeated. it doesn't matter which one of us wins because the battle is there to be fought, My only wish from all of this is that he knows how hard i tried and how hard I fought for him, But I'll be Damned if i go down doing anything but fighting. it's time to go home and not be distracted by everything else in my life and commit myself to a single fucking Goal, It's time to end this fucking War. It's time for people both on my side and

Numbness and cynicism, I suspect, are more often the products of frustrated compassion than of evil intentions. I'm starting to get really fed up by decisions and actions by those that question and second guess my actions. First off, I take care of myself, first and only and I'm getting fuckin frustrated of being expected to do more than that, If I have to I can very easily turn on someone and get real cutthroat, second, I do not like anyone attempting to control me, my decisions, my money or my thoughts. I get really annoyed when I'm second guessed or taken advantage of. I don't know what my future holds, but I'm not sure this new status quo of mine makes any sense, I'm fucking sick of sacrifice, and more than that I'm getting annoyed by the fact I am sacrificing things that actually mean something to me to make others comfortable, the only place that money should be going is towards my interests, and not fucking bullshit, way too much of it had been spen

I am tired of people saying that poor character is the only reason people do wrong things. Actually, circumstances cause people to act a certain way. It's from those circumstances that a person's attitude is affected followed by weakening of character. Not the reverse. If we had no faults of our own, we should not take so much pleasure in noticing those in others and judging their lives as either black or white, good or bad. We all live our lives in shades of gray. I'm having a love/hate relationship with my life right now and my place in it, only on reflection is it apparent to me how useless various fucking parts of the last few years have been, weather it has been supposed fucking friends that have stolen from me in the past and/or have taken advantage or if it is my current situation, it does appeal to me that even when I was miserable at work that for the most part I was able to provide for myself and my kin alone, and survive decently, no I wasn't comfortable, b

Knowing when to fight is just as important as knowing how. All this is a Chess game, A series of Tactical fucking Moves one after another Until one person Has the tactical advantage, that's all this is about. At the moment I'm currently lost as to predict your next move, But while I may have taught you how to play this game of war, I did not Teach you My game of war. it's not about the current Move that you're making.. it's the moves you make 6 moves ahead and the moves you make to end the game. I never think about my current move, I only think about your reaction, i know that you Only use your emotions to attack and that logic is a dirty word for you, however for me, after all that you have done, all there is patience and carefully planned out tactical moves across a bloody chess board, i'm willing to wait and play the game forever if the eventual outcome is check mate rather than the stalemate we have been at for the last half decade. I guess it's part o

You don't get it. You don't understand what it's like to live always at war, to grow up with battle and sacrifice. I guess it's not your fault. It's just how you were brought up... Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men. It is the spirit of men who follow and of the man who leads that gains the victory. I don't know what to think right now and am very confused, it doesn't change anything but I am very concerned that things are getting weirder, and weirder and i don't know what the next step is.All that I do know is that I have other outlets to channel the rage like spending the morning writing and doing a job search trying to find something for a better life for me and him, nothing like cranking the fucking music up load and being in my own world and focusing, it reminds me that I was something before you, after you, before you destroyed me and after you destroyed me, I'm a survivor and I have fucking skills. It's time to go

Some must be warriors, that others may live in peace. It was not well to drive men into final corners; at those moments they could all develop teeth and claws. The chess pieces are in motion, whatever this is, it has started a raging fire and I will see the embers of this fire burn everything away, I don't know The end game anymore, not anymore than i could ever foresee it, I have never had any doubts about the eventual end game, I just questioned the cost and how the hell we have gotten there.. You have me stuck in the trenches, you have Me in a place where nothing else matters, somehow this is always the situation it has always been, war never changes, but I'll use any advantage, I'll Use what i can when i can, I have a bright spot and a little bit of hope but it's always been that little bit you give you use to twist the knife further, I'm so jaded and so armored that even if it was something like that, i wouldn't believe it. it's time to think tactic

Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak. Maybe this was how you stayed sane in wartime: a handful of noble deeds amid the chaos. The will of good men can not counter the terrible strain of war. I don't know what to think right now and am very confused, it doesn't change anything but I am very concerned that things are getting weirder, and weirder and I don't know what the next step is. i have no illusions as to what the next step is, but as much as things need to happen the way that they are currently supposed to, I am wondering what exactly this new development is and there are so many angles it could be it is starting to play mind game inside my head, that may be the desired affect or it could be something else, I'm not exactly sure what to think here and or how to fuckin react other than to continue to play the game and let what happens happens while carefully minding every word that I have to say, my level of trust is low and I'm am o

A true war story is never moral. It does not instruct, nor encourage virtue, nor suggest models of proper human behavior, nor restrain men from doing the things men have always done. If a story seems moral, do not believe it. If at the end of a war story you feel uplifted, or if you feel that some small bit of rectitude has been salvaged from the larger waste, then you have been made the victim of a very old and terrible lie. There is no rectitude whatsoever. There is no virtue. As a first rule of thumb, therefore, you can tell a true war story by its absolute and uncompromising allegiance to obscenity and evil. The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him I will never abandon my responsibilty to my son, that is without fucking question, and I don't blink twice even with any requests when it come's to him, that being said it changes nothing, We have been at war for almost 5 years and you have done everything i

Nostalgia is a necessary thing, I believe, and a way for all of us to find peace in that which we have accomplished, or even failed to accomplish. At the same time, if nostalgia precipitates actions to return to that fabled, rosy-painted time, particularly in one who believes his life to be a failure, then it is an empty thing, doomed to produce nothing but frustration and an even greater sense of failure. Vigilance is the foundation on which victories are built. Things are changing and outcomes of decisions are Starting to be Discussed, While I am happy and Content at the moment, The fact that I am going back into the workforce at some point as I am currently Job searching and the Income that was being Derived from this stupid plastic crap is dwindling down, Some hard decisions are likely to be made and some freedoms i currently have are likely to be sacrificed for the greater good, I know that I am changing and seeing things differently after years of standing still, There are s

Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time. This was the perfect way to end the holiday season and start a new year off on the right foot, being around most of my loved ones new and old celebrating a Christmas dinner was awesome, only one thing was missing and that will be dealt with in the coming year regardless of outcome... but it hurt a lot less sitting down with my parents for dinner this year, the only thing that scares me is the fact that it was too easy this year and i am actually happy, even tho i miss him terribly, It was a better Christmas emotionally than i have had in years and i know that other people haven't had a year the same as me, and while there are still many x factors and my life isn't perfect at times I am a lot happier than I was a year or two ago, it's a good feeling... now to complete the puzzle so next Christmas there isn&

The chains that break you, are the chains that make you. And the chains that make you, are the chains you break. Sometimes people are so genuinely themselves they aren't conscious of the fact they have wronged you; sometimes you shouldn't care enough to bring it to their attention. Today is the start of a New year and My biggest resolution the one I will Fucking keep is that I am completely Fucking done with this toy bullshit, It's Ended just as it began in a clusterfuck mess of people that are greedy and self entitled, making me waste my fucking time and effort and then turning into a fucking crybaby about how something isn't perfect at the agreed upon price, you know that's fucking fine... I have a child who will appreciate it on his glass shelf just as much as I would appreciate the fucking money, I've long since fucking cared about this fucking useless shit and I do have options that don't require a lack of fucking patience on my part, I have had a r