Mercenary Attitude III: Empire of Shit.

I am tired of people saying that poor character is the only reason people do wrong things. Actually, circumstances cause people to act a certain way. It's from those circumstances that a person's attitude is affected followed by weakening of character. Not the reverse. If we had no faults of our own, we should not take so much pleasure in noticing those in others and judging their lives as either black or white, good or bad. We all live our lives in shades of gray.

I'm having a love/hate relationship with my life right now and my place in it, only on reflection is it apparent to me how useless various fucking parts of the last few years have been, weather it has been supposed fucking friends that have stolen from me in the past and/or have taken advantage or if it is my current situation, it does appeal to me that even when I was miserable at work that for the most part I was able to provide for myself and my kin alone, and survive decently, no I wasn't comfortable, but I did survive, my honest opinion is right now is that I may have taken more than a few steps back, and given I've had the resources to fucking survive well and I'm still chasing every dollar, long after I swore to myself that I wanted to be done with this shit, makes me think that as long as my current situation in life maintains it's stays quo things won't improve and all that I'm going to end up being is in the same old situation I'm always in, letting someone else control me and being fucking miserable, I'm sick of sacrificing, I'm sick of being the only one that has anything to contribute, I can hardly take care of my self and my son, trying to do it for others and not being even remotely appreciated is fucking frustrating, I was always better off as a lone wolf, an xfactor in the unknown with a mercenary attitude, than being the domesticated type, maybe it's time to go back to that. I'm not used to having to take care of anyone but myself and my child, and suddenly I'm expected to sacrifice everything on a regular basis and there's no fucking return, at some point I will reach the point of no fuckin return and I'll be done with this shit, the next few weeks will be telling, esp the big test of character in about a month and a half. I don't have time anymore for people who are anything but 100% invested in my life, and if I feel like I'm constantly being used, I probably am. I'm sick of others dictating my life and being under appreciated for everything I fucking do, I can tell when my emotions are becoming toxic to those around me and when there is a root cause I can identify, I do wonder that next step. Being cutthroat and stepping away has always worked in the past why am I so reluctant to do so now? I'm just sick of being constantly depressed and upset and fighting a fucking up hill battle just to maintain my fucking life and the things I have and/or want, I shouldn't have to constantly sacrifice everything I've worked for the last few years to end up with nothing to show for it, it's frustrating, some days I feel like I've traded one asshole that was ripping me off for another master that only wants to see the fucking profits from and doesn't care about what I want. I'm not liking the situation as it is, and honestly if a choice was made to pull out of dodge tommorow, I'd be done with it, I like money, but one day I'd like to build the goddamn glass cases and put the last of it inside and call it a fucking day. Before it's all gone.

I don't know or care what the fucking end game is anymore. The truth is I have real life concerns and as long as a few dollars trickle in I am more than fucking happy to have things continue to be as they are and be status quo, that being said, it can and will end sometime. It's time to be proactive and just let it fucking end, period.I don't know right now where things are leading but I know that there is a lot of anger and frustration from others selfishness and I don't know how much longer I can keep sacrificing anymore, the reality is this golden fucking goose has laid it's last egg a long time ago, but the truth is I limp along for every last dollar because I can and because if I don't I'll get bitched at, be awful fucking nice if I could spend my own money instead of supporting someone else... This was never the fucking plan. I can't even quit doing it because my items are here instead of secure at home, and let's not get into the fucking money pit in the north end, the one the whole point was to bring up here, but no that would have been fucking logical, instead I bleed money and am pressured to sell everything, this is pathetic and annoying, and let's not even discuss the weird pressure to get a job to support others. Obviously some people don't pay fucking attention, there is one priority in my life and only one, past that I take care of

myself. And I have to I'll walk the fuck away, I've done it before, if I have to I will so it again, I don't like being angry and frustrated, I like even less feeling like I'm being used. I honestly don't know if my life is any better or worse right now or if I should have stuck to my original fucking plan of being done with this shit back in July after tf con. I had made my bones and could have left happy and with the goals I wanted, months later I'm miserable and still chasing the same options I was then, the problem is, there's not much left and the reality is becoming the fact that soon, there will be nothing left. I haven't sold out, it's not survival, but someone else's comfort should not come at the expense of my own, and the longer I stand frustrated, the easier it becomes for me to give up, the next month is going to be the deal breaker, let's see what fucking happens, when it comes to that, I won't tolerate excuses or games, I'm dealing with enough mind games as it is. But as far as I'm concerned, at that moment I'm drawing a line in the sand, and the only thing I know for sure is where on that line in the sand I stand, everyone else they can prove their character, I don't give a fuck and right now I don't trust anyone on any fucking level. When it comes down to it the only person in this world you can rely on to look after your own interests is yourself and only yourself.

I'm afraid if I say what I am thinking, it will be too much too soon.

Current Mood: Frustrated.
Current Music: Rise Against - Prayer Of The Refugee

Transformation is my favorite game and in my experience, anger and frustration are the result of you not being authentic somewhere in your life or with someone in your life. Being fake about anything creates a block inside of you. Life can’t work for you if you don’t show up as you.