Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men. It is the spirit of men who follow and of the man who leads that gains the victory.
I don't know what to think right now and am very confused, it doesn't change anything but I am very concerned that things are getting weirder, and weirder and i don't know what the next step is.All that I do know is that I have other outlets to channel the rage like spending the morning writing and doing a job search trying to find something for a better life for me and him, nothing like cranking the fucking music up load and being in my own world and focusing, it reminds me that I was something before you, after you, before you destroyed me and after you destroyed me, I'm a survivor and I have fucking skills. It's time to go back to that, not everything in my life leads back to you... It's time I proved that, I've always stood independent and alone and I came into this world on my own merits, I'll go kicking and screaming out the same damn way, but while I'm here I'm gonna do my level fucking best to do what I can for others and my own, I have no question of that. It's time to remind myself that I have fought epic battles already to retain my fucking soul, it's time to return to the other place that makes me whole, my job, something that you may have taken from me, but only for a moment, no permanent damage done. I am what I make of myself and it's fucking time to go back to what makes me as whole as I'm ever going to be in this moment in my life and remind myself that I have other attributes and gifts and that it's not always about you. I don't live in your fucking orbit anymore or any less, the only dark shadow I need to step out from behind is my own. Not knowing where the one most important person stands and playing thru scenarios in my head of scenarios is not only mind boggling, it can drive a man insane, for all that I know it's just another manipulation of him as a pawn across the chess board but it could be something else, and therein lies the question of could it be something else and I am so shielded I refuse to acknowledge all the fucking possibilities and my mind always defaults to worse case scenarios. It's more comfortable than the unknown. It is easier when people, mostly meaning her, are predictable. It's a lot easier to play the game when you understand the rules of engagement.
I can only be stuck inside my own mind with the possibilities for so long before the sheer weight of it and my responsibilities starts cracking at the fragile balance I have right now with my place in the world. I understand that, I know that anything that happens is a silent move on a chess board with long term ramifications, but I have stared so long at the abyss that I am one with it and the abyss is me. I just don't know what emotions I feel anymore other than anger, hate and rage, I cannot feel comfort and everything in my life right now feels like ashes in my mouth and hands. I can't feel, I can't taste, I can't truly enjoy myself in any endeavor in my life until this battle, this argument, this war is dead in the ground. I rest but I cannot sleep, I keep replaying memories, nightmares, scenarios and every tactical move in my head trying to find an answer other than the one I actually know to be the only logical answer, but if there is any question, if there is a glimmer if hope, why do I allow my mind to play tricks on me instead of standing here like the rock of ages waiting for the world to change around me? I don't trust anything or anyone that's a choice that has been taken from me. My skeptical nature is well earned, too much in this life has been taken from me. I know that in the near future I am going to have to make some hard decisions and stand my ground without ever backing down. It's going to get very fucking interesting soon.
Current Mood: Still Confused, Determined.
Current Music: Skillet - Hero
It is the oldest ironies that are still the most satisfying: man, when preparing for bloody war, will orate loudly and most eloquently in the name of peace.
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
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