Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Not everything set on fire will rise. You know it's fucking funny and ironic that until i reminded myself today of the fact, it has been ten years since we called it a day for good and you tore my heart out for the very last time, ten years of fighting for that little boy with every ounce of my being, it's made ma stronger person but i cannot believe that ten years ago i would still be in a life of death struggle with you for the safety of that little person's soul, of course then again it's always those that were closest to you in another life that know exactly how to twist the knife, one day it will end, One day it will be over and there will be some sense of ending, but i have been fighting you for ten fucking years, your choice not mine, and I know you had regrets the night you forced me to walk away, I wonder if you still have regrets, I wonder it, but I don't give a damn, you are dead to me, Ten years dead, a lll the emotion i have once had for you has turne

Another year is done, There have been changes this year both good and bad, and things that have done to get me to my ultimate goal, but it's another year wasted in anger and solitude and fighting, sometimes feeling i don't have a voice to be heard unless i get angry and have to yell and shout and force myself to be heard by some of the people involved in moving the chess pieces around the board... this coming year I will take control both of my personal life and of the battles i have to fight and It will the things i do for me, and my boy, and not for anyone else, it is clear to me certain things in my life need to be moved away from, like the toy bullshit that I have constantly said i am walking away from but i continue to be surrounded by it like a black hole of decay, yes it provides an income and it provides me to have a few bucks in my wallet, but what about all the things i have worked for to have stolen away because of unscrupulous people that surround me due to the alba

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. This has been a happy enough christmas and I am for once looking forward to the next step a little bit more than maybe i was a few months ago, there are things that confuse the hell out of me and some serious pain in my past. but i also have good people and good friends around and that's important because I don't know how much i could have survived this long without the people in my life, something in still missing and that's something that should never have been taken away but it's getting to a point where that isn't my sole motivation in life and I am becoming happier and more positive, i have options going into the new year, something i didn't have in the darkness of the beginning of last year. Current Mood: Happier. I would say happy new year but it's not happy; it's e

Everyone thinks that “I'm happy and fine on this Christmas Eve” but look a lil closer, you will see tears in my eyes. I am happy and surrounded by loved ones, and there are reasons to look forward to the new year, but something is still missing and that's not right, I Swore a year ago that this wouldn't be another missed Christmas and there is something hollow inside me that can't be filled by anyone or anything I do... there are positive things in my life over the last year, but it's still a empty holiday without him, At least I got to see someone else open some neat presents by proxy and will be celebrating my Xmas with family tonight, but it fucking sucks that once again I have to do it alone... again, four years is a very long time, it will not make it to fucking five.. Merry Christmas Son, I love you. Santa brought gifts under the tree just like he does every year, they will be here when you get home. Current Mood: Sad, Sick. Current Music: Motorhead, End

Sometimes you have to pick the gun up to put the Gun down. As fucking Usual the standardized bullshit and games continue, and i get a polite little fucking answer that even tho you were required to pay your half under extreme duress in advance, Mommy dearest who is fucking responsible for causing all this hell in All three of our lives get's to make a nice quaint payment plan, Newsflash, I'm not the one under court order to pay the balance, She is.. I am getting sick of these so called fucking professionals who play word and mind games and i have always thought that due to having a prior relationship with a person, you can't be impartial and I strongly fucking suspect that this person will not be an impartial observer, highly recommended maybe... but we all know how well that works out for me.. I'm better off being an asshole and doing things my way. Any time i trust someone else to have my intrests or my son's intrest's in mind.. it fucking backfires. i am si

Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many. This is a pyschological chess head game... It is a war, I am not happy with the fact that so called detached professionals are taking their time because i raise questions that should and need to be answered, but it becomes clear that they cannot be answered due to the iron fucking curtian of confeidentiality that they all hide behind, the same one my ex uses for years to keep the one thing in my life that has any7 meaning to me anymore away from me... it's fucking clear that the balance has not been paid and that this is another stall tac tic to keep me at bay... however, i go into things head first and without thought of the danger or exposure to myself, if it can help my son, i do it. period. I know that i have authority issues and a general hate for every part of the system but i have put myself into debt to see that this thing get's paid. NO answer on finacials after multiple requests and

On your 11th Birthday, bigger the cake, more the candles, bigger the wish. Wish you a wonderful 11th Birthday. Another birthday and you are getting older, I promise this will be the last one we have to wait to celebrate on, I promise that, there are things here for you as their always are and nothing and nobody can change that, I just hope that you haven't grown to old or changed too much to enjoy them, you are and always have been my little boy and nothing your mother has said or done will ever change that, you may not be here to say happy birthday to but every year I make sure your birthday is noted and this year is no exception, i still cannot belive how big you have gotten and how old you have become, soon you won't even be my little boy you'll be a teenager and then a man, and I hope one day you can understand all this... but for today I only wish one thing... Happy birthday and that you enjoy it no matter what you are doing, I miss you very much and wish i was the

The enemy to be feared most is one who wears the face of a friend. I am done with trusting people in this city or Doing anything for them, I have bigger battles to fight and bigger fish to fry than pathetic little people that think they can intimidate by getting a cop involved to threaten me or steal a large amount of my belongings because your a pyschopathic man child with entilement issues, there are other answers for dealing with that, right now I'm going to attempt to do the right and legal thing but this is ridiculous, i trust some new and it's the same old refrain, i get stabbed in the fucking back.. of course in the grand scheme of things this betrayal is a joke compared to real world issues and betrayals and it will be forgotten as soon as i start concentrating on the wars i have to really fight.... it's just an annoying sting, I help someone out numerous times over the last four months, and i get fucked over for it, i should have known better given all my experi

I don't trust anyone and I don't expect anyone to trust me either. It's more comfortable when its mutual. You know things were easier when it was just me fighting the world and i kept myself guarded and didn't have interpersonal relationships due to this toy thing, I was so much better a person even after the true betrayals the ones that mattered, I could sit outside in the winter and play my guitar to get the things i wanted/needed if that's what it took because that's what mattered... now I am surrounded by so many fake people and thieves that i think it is time to take a step back and remember who I am, I need to go back to a darker place and focus on the only true battle that matters and say fuck pathetic little people who are so completely self absorbed that they think stealing from a person is ok, of course something in me tells me it has much to do with the mentality of this city, and the lack of morals here... at least where i grew up, when you are rai

For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first. It's time to leave this toy thing behind and take what I can from it over the holidays and walk away.. when I think someone has used it as an excuse to get me to leave my house so they could could leave with all their stuff and possibly some of mine.. and i'm stalled for several hours as a result... there's something fucked up in the hen house... my trust level for certain people is very low right now... it's not enough to give your word anymore in this world.. everyone... outside of blood has a reason at some point or other to stab you in the back... i've learned that...far far, too close to home.. but that is the only real thing in this world that keeps me going and the only battle i need to fight... anything else is just distraction. but steal from me, the hammer will come down. but you sir are a nothing and a nobody, just a common theif.. I have bigger things to waste my hate on, you don'

True friends stab you in the front. I am finding that it it easier to go back to being a loner and angry and solitary in my solitude than to be a good person and be around certain friends and acquaintances that are only around because of what I can do or facilitate for them, none more so than one of my current friends who has lived off my earnings for the past few months and enjoys the spoils of my work more than anyone... you would think i would know better than to trust to someone who made it clear he was only a self interested man child and what he could acquire from me... i truly fucking hate this toy game.. and now with the situation of doing someone a favor who i only fucking met thru and giving him a place to stay until he decides to stab me in the back with no notice... fuck that noise.. i don't have time for it... cut my losses, broom him the fuck out of my life. I am so close to my goals and it's time to not have people like that in my life... i should surround myse

I have now confirmed after tearing apart my entire house that someone has stolen a bunch of games and controllers and other things from me, the more upsetting part isn't that my games are missing, I've been thru that.... the thing that pisses me off is that someone has gone thru my secret hideaway places and stolen the games i had hidden away as gifts for my son, been thru this once, but at least that time i had finger's i could I point... at this point in my life there are two ways to protect myself and the things that only belong to me that i have worked hard for.. it's time to cut some of these fucking elements from my fucking life... I'm not about to have things constantly stolen from me and my little boy... for my crap i can at least go digital.... and keep serial numbers of any electronics, but it's getting harder and harder to know who i want around and who to trust... I'm pretty sure i know exactly who is doing so but i can't prove it. it's t

It is time for me to walk the abyss. Time to reclaim my own. I am buried under this shit and i hate it.. i am trying to downsize and get rid of it all but it is very frustrating when one hand i am getting told to fuck off on going to a toy show and on the other hand things are going missing again, not sure who i want around in my life anymore... this toy thing was a necessary evil that isn't necessarily necessary anymore... this is the second time that because of this toy nonsense that things i have bought for my son have gone missing in a large dollar value amount... it's fucking pissing me off.. no wonder the last little while i haven't gotten any games i'd rather have digital and/or burnt games for my modded systems... it is making me very careful lately who i trust, and i am smothered by all this crap.. i may not be moving, the jury is still undecided on that but i do need to take all this crap and expunge it from my life.. i was happier when it was simpler time a

They offered you a choice between the death of your principles and the death of your body. You said you'd rather die. You faced the fear of your own death, and you were calm and still. I don't know whats worse, the fact that I am trying and failing to make sense of all of this or that the fact of the matter that i was more comfortable when i was fighting the goverment instead of just her? I am trying and failing to return to my old life and remebering who i used to be because all that seems to be left is the mask Of anger and vengeance that i wore and am still wearing to fight and protect that which is of upmost importance to me. There is nothing left except that, and the fact that I am slowly returning to old habits and trying to become the man i used to be before I was destroyed is proving more difficult than i ever thought it would be, No i was not expecting a happily ever after scenario before when the end of one battle came but I was expecting more... Not to be alone an

You were sexy cupid for Halloween and I just wanted to be covered in blood. Our differences were superb to the point where, in reality, it was disturbing. I should be fucking trick or treating this year, but I am not. days like today hurt sometimes more than others because these are the little things that matter growing up to a little person, at least i have the one year i was Darth Daddy Vader and he was Adam West... which was pretty cool.. but on a night when the spirits are walking and talking on the earth, i wonder how much of a shade i have become in his life... i can always promise him next year but the battle isn't over yet... Days like today make it so much easier to keep fighting.... remebering that once upon a time we went out and had a great night being father and son and being the dark little misfits we are... Current Mood: Sad. Current Music: Helloween - Halloween I hate this night. I hate that it makes me a person so truly removed from the real me; this man who

To rise, first you must burn. I don't know what the next step is, Although their is one more fight left in me, I feel lost about everything else, I have every right to expect to go back to old life and try and pick up the broken and destroyed pieces but i am clinging to new behaviors that i built up to protect myself and I am afraid of going back to the person I used to be for the fear of being destroyed again, i am stronger than that but until he is back in my life and i am truly whole, i don't know where to go... all i know is that this fight is taking too fucking long, and the choices presented right now are both a good and bad thing because if it was up to me i would stay where I am and finish the fight and then leave myself options to start anew elsewhere instead of having an albatross of a long term commitment to this city of hell. I have spent almost 4 fucking years in Purgatory.. I am Unsure how much longer i can continue the fight and how much longer i want to stay s

The best fighter is never angry. At the Moment i am angry because of many reason's starting with the fact that I found out today that regardless of anything i've done or any victories this year... i will still miss christmas yet agian with my son because the stupid fucking lawyer delayed things till fucking january... that is unacceptable and will be dealt with shortly.. but as usual All i have is anger and the sad fact to fuckign remind me that another year, another birthday, another holiday with family has been taken away from me.. what the fuck is the point of fighting when it is a contuininual struggle just to fucking survive... ten plus fucking years of this shit.... and all i do is stand agianst her, like a fucking rock, never moving an inch, but never getting ahead and doing the great things i wanted to do with my life... i had dreams, i had plans, you attempted to stop them but you can't but before i can move on i need to deal with having him back by my side and

Your responsibility to be ready for the fight, never ends. You know regardless of anything else in my life, there is the fact that I don't back down and i won't leave a fight half finished.. I will see it thru to the end... i don't even know anything more but the battle and this war.. i don't know or understand how to stand down when the battle is half over and I can go back to a somewhat normal state of being.. my defense mechanism's are still in full effect and regardless of everything i think I'm still looking over my shoulder expecting another attack to destroy me.. even tho she stands on vapour trails the only way i will ever know peace is to see this thru to the end.. because there has to be an end.. someday. Three years of fighting, and what do i have? at least i've had some good experiences and oppurtuinities but it seems like i am trying to go back to someone i once was.. yet that person doesn't and has never existed, there has always only bee

One mark of a great soldier is that he fights on his own terms or fights not at all. One battle is over for the moment but i am still fighting a war, and that's not something that's likely to end in a hurry no matter how tired i am of fighting.. but in this life you get only so many defining moments and this is one of them, I have options and decisions to make to go toward the next step. i have to make some serious decisions about people i associate with and their placed in my life because of so many reasons, because when it comes down to it i have my support system and a bunch of people hanging on and draining me, I'll always remember who was their when i was at my darkest and who wasn't. I have some options Now that I didn't have before but I also still have bills to pay and things that need to be done. It's about finishing the battle... the next chess move is being held under wraps because I don't need games played before the final end game but for the

Everything comes to he who waits... and I have waited so very long for this moment. And another Ending to a very long part of my life is over, and as much as i hate the system and the way it works, this is a beginning and obviously there is still one final ending to come because one battle does not mean this is over.. but it does give me some peace and possibly some finality... i do expect that this isn't going to be the end of this because there is some loose ends to deal with, but the hell of the last three years and the fact that you have destroyed everything else that was important to me to destroy the relationship i have with my son, well as of today that's no longer something you have destroyed, 3 and a half years of anger, hate and depression were worth it, one thing i am very glad is that i never made a decision to leave the province, i have thought about it, but the reality is as long as i have the responsibility of being a father and he's here.. I'm here...

As far as I'm concerened as soon as one of my good freinds i paid back everything that I owe him from stock, I am done with the TOY show thing permanently...there isn't a major show till january and anything of major importance that needs to take up my fucking time is isn't until may, this is becoming a drain instead of anything fun or anything worthwhile, it costs more, and this is yet another major show where I didn't get paid.. however thanks to another freind being true to his word and two of the gentlemen pictured aboved, i did well enough that being paid was a moot point, still it doesn't matter... i have other options, responsibilties and priorities, this thing did what it was meant to, and i only stayed on this long to deal with the fact that i was owed a lot of things post tf con. I'm doing sacrificing for other people who's intrest's and agenda's arent mine.. I take care of myself, I can help you i am grateful to, but i need to mercanary an

14 years of silence Its been 14 years of pain Its been 14 years that are gone forever And I'll never have again Happy 14th anniversary Cunt... i should have left you on the side of the street in the gutter where you belonged. I am having diffifuculties dealing with the fact that as of today it has actually been fourteen fucking years since you entered my life on a permanent basis, and completely fucking destroyed it.. you, who knew everything about me, and exactly who I am, for fucks sake... i met you on the first week of my second year of college to be a child and youth and youth worker, you edited most of my paper's, i trusted you completely, and for you to have used all that you know to destroy me shows your true colours, colours i should have always known.. once you were my heart and soul, that was a very long time ago, My soul died a long time ago, as did most of my black heart.. what remains are the peices that have always been there, the peices that were there

Wars are the strongest evidence for the claim that man is still a wild animal. I don't like finding out today that this so called counselling has been availible for the last year and that the wall of confidentiality and silence is still pervasive.. I understand it, I have been a part of the system for so many years i know exactly what can and canot be talked about... but Finding out that this counselling has been arranged since shortly after may 22nd 2013, i am angry and ballastic, there is a reason i am at war.. and this has been three plus years of fighting... when something needs to be fucking done I get it done.. but when i find out that games are being played behind my back and the truth is a bit less than what has been let and it is clear someone is in in contempt and playing games to continue the process and or to get me to go away? I don't like that it is clear this counselling has been availible since the get go and that Stalling has happened for over a year because

The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man's life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die I am Angry, And I am alone, I Know this, it doesn't matter who supports me or what friends or family surround me at certain times.... at the end of the day at this point of my life their is a void that never quite get filled, and click, click, click, i get depressed every fucking day, No wonder lately i haven't really haven't a shit about being a functioning adult citizen, the truth is, right now in society, I'm not... I'm a criminal in all but name.. a social pariah for something i haven't done... it would have been so much easier to have been a deadbeat dad instead of fighting for him with every second and with every breath i draw... then agian I don't know how to walk away, much less back down.. especially when it come

There's no guarantee that justice will win out or that a noble sacrifice will make any difference. But when it does, there's something that still swells my chest. There's magic in that.... It tells me that's the way things are supposed to be. The wait has got to be the hardest part... made worse by me in a the process of cleaning up my house i came across a video of my son made the weekend of the first visit in thorold once i had moved... i remeber how simple and innocent being a dad was back then, and while it was still a fight and a battle... it was important... he's grow up beyond my eyes, I often wonder if i had chosen to stay stagnant in Niagara falls if my life would have been any better or if i would have continued to struggle and have nothing... the only thing i can remeber back then is the core group of freinds, the people I have in my life now, both offline and online... they were there...I remeber having the exact same supports i did then that I do now

It is not a Justice System. It is just a system. I don't know where things are going, that's what the month of waiting is for... but I do know that my life is changing, and whether or not that's going to be for the better or for the worse i am not yet aware, I do know that inside I am reverting to old angry, dark, self protective ways in my life... there's no reason to trust anyone anymore.. and if they aren't there for me in my darkest hours why the fuck should i bother with them? I have to make some major decision's based on the next little Awhile and when it seems i am being thrown agianst two walls constantly and each wall is washing their hands of each other, it's time for me to get mean... It's time to fucking deal with the lawyer and make some real decision's there.... painting someone who has stalled the family court process for three years sympathetic and a concerened mother is a fucking joke.... it's about the people we are and aren&#

I'm fucking drunk due to the fact that one of the people i have in my life cares enough and about me took care of me tonight and decided i needed to escape the world for a few hours, but at this point i know that things are not over, and the battle continues.. I will finish this fight and you will have to fucking kill me to be rid of me.. i understand that at some point it becomes time to walk away and that has played heavily on my mind.. with the exception of my son the last three years there has been no fucking reason to continue to stay in Ontario, i have survived for three fucking years in the asshole of north American for far, far too long.. I'm not fucking happy... I moved to Hamilton to get a job, not to face down past demons, but that's all this city has given me, the souls of the fucking dead... and taken away that which has been most precious to me.. facilitated by those fucking idiots in Niagara with their holier than tho attitude... on one of their homegrown s

Tiger. Jujitsu. Panther. You're skilled. But this is not a dance. And you are afraid. But not of me. How the fuck can the system and you stall and have each others back, yet they won't touch you like poison, in the real proceedings that matter, this battle is over, but the waiting begins and the war hasn't came close to a conclusion. I have fifteen months to wait if i have to have that little boy use his own voice, because any time i think he was trying to tell someone what really happened, the legalese and the fact he has a lunatic putting words in his mouth to further attack me... I mean why do i have to have one of my best American friends to borrow 1.5 k because i had no one else left to ask? I've had a good career and i have had opportunities that I gave away because being a father was so much more important to me, and Now I'm being told that because she fucking decided i wasn't worthy enough of our child and she didn't like the things in my life abd

For some there is no music No lights No fire No untamed madness that breathes life There is work Anguish Frustration Rage Despair A dullness that rings like wooden thunder I Am angry but it is a focused rage today, yesterday my mind was a clusterfuck of thoughts and today I am in a much diffrent place.... it's funny when someone think's the have a winning trump card but instead it back fires on them, I understand now why all the secrecy and what they were trying to hide because on paper one thing appears to say something but when I am faced with my own visage and words it's the exact same thing I have been saying since day ONE!!!! I am Innocent, I didn't hurt my child and this is some sort of twisted revenge by my ex to eliminate me from his life and destroy me finacally... It didn't work...I don't hide from things.. i attack them head and don't back down.. My anger and rage outweigh any depression or apathy, when i set a goal, I see red and I per

Give me a minute, I'm good. Give me an hour, I'm great. Give me six months, I'm unbeatable. Today may have been a tactical error in bringing in someone who's not exactly the most brilliant person in the world to explain her case, but it was a tactical decision we made and I'll stand by it... esp. if first thing in the morning i can prove she is lying on the stand or better yet exaggerating, of course there was more than one tactical error but i am completely fine with the other one.. I know anywhere on this planet i share oxygen with her i am a fucking intimidating force, I know you are deathly afraid of me, it's why you are a coward, I don't fear you, only what you have done. i should have stayed to deal with you being hostile and crazy like your behavior suggests, but i am the better man and left to show that i was better man, If i can keep my cool under pressure and go with the game plan and expose her, I'll be fine... I've had three years to p