Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

When my child can navigate my ipod better than me it's time to rezlize i'm stuck the stone age because i can still remeber 8 track tapes when i was kid.... doesn't help he has all three toy stories downloaded into the ipod and psp either.... he's so cute and so affectionate to all his toy story toys and so excited about them every time i see him, i hope he never loses that spark. sometimes it's the littlest things that make his day and i'm glad for that fact. Current mood: So Happy!!! You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... until you climb into his skin and walk around in it

nothing like watching the posion politics of laziness that has infected the other house in our organization start to affect this new house, I don't like being blamed for someone in the morning failing to do a bedcheck after 8 am that's not my fucking problem, you want me to make sure that the kids are asleep in the morning in their own rooms after shift change and i've left you should have me there until the kids wake the fuck up... and if you want me to be doing periodicall bed checks every 30 minutes you better be paying a lot fucking more than mininum wage which what i was making last febuary slamming subs together, and it's so much fun rescheduling my weekend with my son to accomadate a friday night shift that you take away from me at the last minute... the lack of any idea of scheulding till the last minute and the lack of contuinity of care is once agian bothering me, when I am more finaccaly secure on Ei than working there is something to be said about the way t

Sometimes as long as one is focused one can turn ones fortunes around easily... of course it doesn't hurt when one get's angry and focuses that in a positive manner as well... as long as I continue to look forward and stop letting the world behind me get me down i'll be fine, of course I'm not exactly going to let myself rest on my laurels now that i'm back to work, time for the job search to continue and some of my new goals in my life need to get me to where i want, i shouldn't just be happy at the plateau, i should be aiming higher, and not just limiting myself, yes i want to write a book about my experiences in my life and in my feild all 25 years of it, but i also want to maybe get something happening musically agian, and i should start transcribing my poetry books into a computer and get them either to my freinds to be turned into songs or write my own poetry book or spoken word album like an american prayer. i need to stop pretending like there's noth

Gotta love the comedy of errors this fucking lay off has been, it's nice to see how little faith I have in my company, looks like CYW III is gonna be written soon, either that or on of the first chapters in my book, this is one of the places i was so angry about back in school and now i'm part of the problem because I'm Not involved in the solution, I'm questioning my future with the company and my future in the feild, i think i need to start documenting everything both personal and political that happens with this employer. Somethings wrong and it's not just just the group home it's the entire system that's flawed. Current mood: Depressed. Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach.

I don' sit around and let other people control my life finacally annd wonder why i was moved around like a pawn and a chess peice and feel sorry for myself, by 9:30 am this fucking morning I had my answers and am still only butting heads with the goverment but not with my employer with this issue... it's fucking stupid, it's not like I'm sitting around like a junkie collecting a cheque, of course i let that fucking cunt today know that as a disabled citizen that's employed I am more than entitled to disabilty from the goverment and if they want to put roadblocks in my way when i'm trying to once agian be self sufficent like i have been for the past 2 years except for the last few months that I Can and will ask for the paperwork for long term disabilty to be followed thru. But of course this is what you get with buercrats, and then there's the whole lack of respect thing, don't treat everyone like peons.. sometimes there smarter than you, i love how ontar

It's fucking frustrating to find out on the last monday of the month that you may not be able to afford rent because you just went back to work and the employer is playing games with something you are due with a layoff of an extended period. Of course welcome to Ontario goverment, a Place where you are better off homeless and drug addicted than gainfully employed. why bother being educated, it's seems the only one around here that get's to suffer is my little boy, i have to give up a trip to the cottage and a week at the beach just tanning to spend my midnights at a crap job full off attitude for minimum wage, while the black hole of Debt continues to spiral downward... but of course that's how the wiorld works, the little guy always get's the shaft, I am so sick of sacrificing time with my son for this job, and Now i may have scrub my fucking plans for the entire summer because I can't afford Rent? what The fucking Hell? It's time to be elsewhere, even If t

So maybe things can be worked out at work and it looks like I have a semi permanent thing worked out there, hopefully things stand they way that they are, it's not like I'm having people knocking my door down to hire me, it's a combinitaion of factors but there is a fucking reality of the fact that i should probaly have a parachute and a backup plan that involves Odsp, at least that way i can afford to take care of my son when the shit hit's the fan rather than waiting on hopes and dreams, I learned a long time ago the only way to make it in this world is to do tthings for yourself, expecting anyone else to support you is a fucking joke, I'd rather be an outlaw and have people fear me than to ever conform to soicietys so called expecations, sorry I didn't wear my Suit to my last job interview for the satanic army, i go to those interviews more for shit's and giggles, esp. when they are casual work rather than for any fucking expectation of real employemnt.

....And the politics begin agian, I have asked for one fucking thing in my entire year and a half tenure with this fucking job, I just need the Friday and Saturdays I have my son off, how fucking complicated is that to understand? Also how hard can it be to get a job with this mickey mouse organization, i mean it turns out the brand new hire is getting 88 hours? Doesn't loyalty mean anything anymore, i doubt it, of course if I end up back in Niagara soon I'll have a full time job to comfort me and more time with my son anyways, no wonder i've redevoloped my drinking problem on days off, esp. when i have a shift taking away from me due to the result of poor planning..... which happens more than they'd like to admit. it's time to examine my options hardcore....it's time for some drastic measures... I've already decided i'm growing my hair out long until i get another job, if i'm not respected at my job why don't i just treat it as something I just

The expected political fireworks have not yet happened but the lack of trust and the fact that you are a pathetic person that places yourself above all over is very evident as one tiptoes thru your pages, All i see is a dark place in which you choose to live your life and be the person you think that you have to be, at least when it comes to me, I am exactly Who i set out to be, who i wanted to be, and I don't answer to anyone, question my life choices or seek out happiness, I have these things.. family, freinds they come to me, I don't abandon them and isolate myself for the next cute girl, and that's the fundemantal diffrence between you and us... Of course I'm a lot less materialistic than you are as well, I may hold onto to things but that way i don't have to replace things that are bought at expenisive prices... but then agian that's another way that things are diffrent between us... I just want to to save the world... you want the world to save, no that&#

Interesting turn of events and it's so useless i feel that it was done only to 1. mess with my head 2. invade my privacy. 3. be another system for her control... but then agian that's expected kinda like the fact that she has no value on any of his possesions, but whatever, i can send home a pair of shoes and get yelled at for a pair of dollar store crocs.. it seems like she's the one with the fucking issues not me. i get back to work for 3 fucking days and yer already yapping about money? i had to fucking sell some of my things to have cash this weekend, poor little rich girl... too bad you don't have any idea of how to live in the real fucking world without mommy and daddies and my money.... I'm glad my son is absorbing my values as much as he is losing from yours...i don't care anymore and this latest chess move boggles my mind but it's expected from a person like you... it's easy to remove someone from facebook tho.. thank god.. maybe o

Weekend's off to an awesome start and he's building things all around anddriving me nuts talking about buzz lightyear and company non stop, bob the builder too. he feel asleep in my arms last night on the couch watching teletoon retro, hopefully things are always like this, I love him so much. Current Mood: Great!! One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.

Another morning of dreaded sunlight and things to do, it would be nice when i get adjusted to the new house and it's silience and night sounds, it will make relaxing there easier. it's not the same as being home in my bed but it works, would be nice if it was possible for most days to be able to sleep in my own bed but some days it's unavailibale to be awake, that's ok tho.. weekend off, time to see my little one. Current mood: Tired, Happy. I had seen my becoming a vampire in two lights: The first light was simply enchantment... But the other light was my wish for self-destruction.

So i was being overely upset earlier, seems the complete 180 in my life in the last week has me affected both emotionally and mentally, sleep depravation isn't a good thing. i am more uptight and the angry person locked up inside often comes unhinged very easily. things worked itself eaisly, it's easy to get lost in the darkness when you have few positives facing you and plenty of pent up anger, but like all things it will one day pass. Current Mood: Tired. Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.

of course you can always give someone a fucking exact date and end up ignored, i would not be fucking surprised if someone is on vacation and just forgot to tell me. it's not like i matter and/or rank in that little boy's life, I'm disposable.. this much is becoming evident.... the only one sorrow i have on going back to work is the fact that i have to deal with the fact that I may have to to take a backstep in involvement in my son's life, of course I am still considering the fact that i may be able to find something In niagara before the end of the summer, time to Start pushin and hard. I'm sick of being dependent on the insane ones thoughts and whims... at least in niagara i would be able to extert some more influnence instead of being invisible except by telephone 10 out of every 14 days. whatever.. it's what she chose for me... i'm only a sperm donor anyways. Current mood: Angry.

Figures, Middle of the summer and i'm back to harldy seeing the light of day, at least it only took about 48 hours for me to go back into vampyre mode, sleeping the day away, I only wish it was that easy these days.... but of course it's not... and it doesn't help the one reason i want to have my summer off is away with his mother, and you'd think she'd answer her phone... but then agian, that would be too much to ask... at least things are slowly falling into place... hopefully. Current mood: Sweaty and Hot. real vampires don't like daylight lol... i'm not a sparkly motherfucker. Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it.

It looks like things are improving and I might actually be getting full time at the new program, of course I like the programming here a lot better even if I am back to permanent overnights, i'd rather be full time overnight than dealing with political bullshit and losy hours... i like this program better because of the new boss who has more of an idea how he wants the program to run rather than letting the inmates run the asylum like it seemed to be at the other program, older kids which i've have worked with more anyways and the program is run a little bit more rigidly, i don't think i will be flying by the seat of my pants being one of the only people with their shit together at this job anymore. wait and see, but the magic 8 ball says: Outlook Good. Current Mood: Determined. Confidence is the result of hours and days and weeks and years of constant work and dedication.

Back to the same place where i have been questioning for many months, i have truly became what i was brought up to be. the world is such a small place, raised in a group home and sadly dying every day stagnant in a group home, there is nothing that has changed in the system in 20 years, I can't see tommorow out there anymore, is it any wonder that certian things have just become solutions to other problems.. thinking of a future that will not come, i don't feel there is any room for advancement where i am, I don't feel that the clients are treated correctly or with any security, it's a revolving door of staff without any contuinity of care, i feel today i am going back into a day one sitaution to meet a bunch of new clients that have no connection to me or the program, I am blind to deal with their issues and have no idea what to expect, welcome to the plight of the unforgiven. It's pretty sad that i half expect to be dealing with the same issues politically within

Money can't buy everything, you can't eat it, and you can't be buried with it, it's nice to be back to work but I am hoping this time it doesn't just become about trying to keep a roof over my head agian in an endless persuit of survival, i don't want to go into debt even more so than I am because i am trying to have a good influnence on people at my employment, i hope that this job or this carreer one day becomes a sustainable income instead of a joke part time once agian whioh it had became in the waning months of the spring. but of course i just have to let everything continue in the anarchist paths that the have been evolving. I just need to make sure i don't end up broken and forgotten this time. It's not like I don't have options it's just this time they need to be persued more vigorusly. it's time to continue to make sure i have a paprachute and better options the next time i get kicked to the curb, it's time to make sure i have a

Sometimes patinece can be a virtue, i sat around for 2 months and then I end up back at work and getting 30 hours my first week back starting tommorow, I can't say i was happy about being laid off, but i will admit that my batteries are still recharged and i have a better understanding of how things continue to work and not work at our organization, the fact i am still waiting on paperwork and that the politics around may have changed while i have been gone... it's a new start and i intend on looking thru the looking glass with that perspective for as long as i can. Current Mood: Excited. Current Music: Megadeth, Countdown to Extinction. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Another day spent hanging out all morning by the pool, it's so easy to just lie back in the sun and watch my son in the wading pool and forget about the world and all it's troubles when I'm with him. He's really looking forward to going to camp and i'm looking forward to him having that experince, there are a lot of things that get me down but when I'm with Him they all magiccly float away, and isn't that what being a parent is all about? the good times spent with your kids? Current mood: Happiest. Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression.

Pretty impressed by the fact my son can sing the bob the builder song in another laungage and that he has been a very good boy today even tho the heat was getting to me and we did not sleep much last night, does'nt affect him he's a happy kid.... he'll just go to bed warlier for me tonight trying to wear him out.. Mom gave us an extra day and me and her had a good talk about his interests.. he is going to go to american idol camp at the end of the summer at the rec centre I just have to figure out the finaces and If i am working, I will probaly take that week off of work if i am back to work. We have had a great week and he is so creative... singing, dancing, his little imaginary worlds where he is always getting me to join in, it's pretty awesome his little world and I am so lucky to be able to live in it. Current Mood: Happy Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.

We are having a wonderful day hanging out at the wading pool three doors down from our house and just hanging out, He helped me get groceries and clean up his room last night, we are thinking about going to a talent show camp for his week in august with hamilton parks and rec centre.. it would be nice to see him go to camp this year, I miss him so much and he is the only goddamn thing in this world that makes life bearable most days, i had somewhat good news about work yesterday, it looks like i'm back to work soon, hopefully my summer plans can be accomadated but we will see.. not holding my breath on my employer, my son comes first. we are having a great day... in the water, in the sun.. it's awesome. Current Mood: Happy. It is much easier to become a father than to be one.

I don't belong in Hamilton anymore, My home is elsewhere... I can't understand that nonsense here in terms of everything, why don't people do background checks on shit, no wonder there is so much injustice in this world, no one is checking to see what's in a person's background and what they have done....i AM NO ANGEL BUT I STAND ON MY OWN ALONE... i do not need a False god to hide behind or bullshit stories fabricated about my past. Everything i have i got on my own, with a little help from those who matter the most to me, not some prefabricated illusion somewhere in the stars. have faith in myself and others have faith in me and that's all i have ever needed. I can't sit there and take advantage of others as others in my life have... this city is corrupt and i need to be gone.. at least in St. Catherines i had some sense of permanence...and security. I am giving myself two fucking months to get my shit together in terms of employment anywhere and then i

another interesting day, some old wounds are being opened by choice and I am very much questioning what the hell i am remaining for in hamilton and why i have chosen to raise my son here, it's interesting the bullshit at work as the rookie is getting more hours than My exact number of Zero, and i've been there a year and a half... she's been there since she graduated, and the other thing is playing mind tricks on my mind... it's like a wound that i can't heal so i just pick at the scabs and hope that it goes away.... Current Mood: Determined. Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime.

It's nice to know how unreliable people are when you expect something from them, it's clear who are true friends and who are merely hangers on just looking to take advantage, it's time that i started doing things for me and my whims and desires rather than hanging out with idiots... I'm really thinking that unemployment in Hamilton is a dead end and i will fall back into nasty angry behaviors and ruin everything i have spent 13 years building, it's time for me to whats right for me, fuck everybody else, esp. so called friends that can't even answer a goddamn phone. at least I'm stand up and do what i say I'm going to do, I've seen what i could have grown up to be and thank fucking god I'm not him. Current mood: Angry. True friends stab you in the front.