Skip to main content

The God That Failed


I don't belong in Hamilton anymore, My home is elsewhere... I can't understand that nonsense here in terms of everything, why don't people do background checks on shit, no wonder there is so much injustice in this world, no one is checking to see what's in a person's background and what they have done....i AM NO ANGEL BUT I STAND ON MY OWN ALONE... i do not need a False god to hide behind or bullshit stories fabricated about my past. Everything i have i got on my own, with a little help from those who matter the most to me, not some prefabricated illusion somewhere in the stars. have faith in myself and others have faith in me and that's all i have ever needed. I can't sit there and take advantage of others as others in my life have... this city is corrupt and i need to be gone.. at least in St. Catherines i had some sense of permanence...and security. I am giving myself two fucking months to get my shit together in terms of employment anywhere and then i AM GOING to be moving to somewhere else, probably closer to my child. I am going to apply to every social service agency in Niagara and Toronto and in between. There has got a fucking full time job out there somewhere, that isn't mired in backstabbing politics and mind games, of course it's par for the course, i can't say I'm surprised when my employer's not returning phone calls.. wonder what my reference would sound like? have to double check one day. I lost the Love of my life on a foolish errand because at one point i was so dedicated to the cause i had to leave her for something I wanted more, a mistake.. NO.. she's a lunatic and probably doing damage that will take years to fix... but it is one of the things that my insane quest to become a martyr has cost me. being a child and youth worker has always been my mistress, but here I am after 1 1/2 doing exactly what i wanted and I don't know if all the sacrifices have been worth it... And after the past few weeks I know the Sacrifice of moving to Hamilton wasn't. I have to protect my family first priority, and I think it's time to stop chasing miracles and make a decision even if it means a step back, at least I'll be comfortable there and looking over my shoulder all the time, expecting a ghost from my past that should be a corpse to come up behind me... i don't need that in my life and neither does anyone else.

Current Mood: Determined.
Current Music: 18 and Life ( it's what he should have gotten.), Skid Row

I see faith in your eyes
Never your hear the discouraging lies
I hear faith in your cries
Broken is the promise, betrayal
The healing hand held back by the deepened nail
Follow the God that failed

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...
Post a Comment
Read more