Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  I tried kid. Every damn day of my life. I invited you to something tonight that I took you to in 2010. I even saw you’re Favorite wrestler. I’ll always be here and I’ll always try to involve you in the cool things in my life. One day you will know that and you will know the things you missed out on that you were invited to. I promise you that. No matter where things end up. I’ll be honest and truthful with you about everything. The good and the bad.

Last night was amazing and I had fun. The fact is I don’t need anyone but myself to enjoy things that I like and I am finally at peace with that. I missed my friend last night but I had new dumb freinds to hang out with and just like every event I do there’s a new story. I think I forgot for a while what actually living and doing things for myself and by myself is like. It’s time to have fun. See where things go. That’s where I am most at peace and centered   and where the world doesn’t affect me as much. This is the person I used to be. I did things I let each day have things happen good or bad. That’s who I was then, that’s who I need to be now. I just forgot that for a while and got too serious. Time to live agian.

Sometimes I just do things to have fun. It’s not her or any other female I’ll be missing at the circle jerks show tonight. It’ll be my buddy Ben who hung out with me when I had nothing and never asked for a damn thing in return. I wish I had some sake to offer you bro. I wish you were here with me, I’d have found a way to get you to both the Toronto and the Detroit shows. As I was offered tickets to both. Shit like this are the things I miss most sometimes. Sure I have my friends still that are around but I could call you up any day of the week and say let’s go to a punk show and you’d be down. I’m gonna pour a beer out in your memory in front of the show tonight Benny boy. You haven’t been forgotten. I wish you were going to the punk show with me tonight. It’s the first one I’ve gone to since you passed. Something will be missing. Oh wait, it’s you’re big fat ass. I miss you Ben.

I don’t live in yesterday and dwell in memory’s. I live here and now. I do what is important to me now and only what is important to me now. I held off on living to do the right thing for so very long that now I am making choices for me. And while some may fall by the wayside because of those choices that’s the way it has always fucking been. I live. I move on. You either stand beside me or you don’t. No fucks given. I count a field of those that have been left behind. And I still don’t care. People make their choices. I react accordingly. When you come back to me begging for my attention and to be part of my life. That’s an illusion. I judge actions. Not pretty words. Nothing in my life has ever changed because of some pretty fucking words. It’s always been actions that moved the chess pieces.  I’m not the one jealous of anyone else’s life. The pendulum swings for everyone different. But my fate is only defined by myself. That’s the only way it’s ever going to be. I don’t look back, e

You are simply not needed. I can do things on my own. I don’t care about relationships that have stood a decade,  two decades, 30 years. I do for me, I have a very low threshold for bullshit and those that have played games in the past I remember ber every transgression. And I lack forgiveness after a certain extent. I’m not a violent or angry man but I do have a fucking temper and I will close the damn door and not look back. Ever. I won’t be insulted or used. I don’t give a damn who the fuck you are. Ride or die is an illusion. I have little patience for so called friends that take advantage. I’m a little better off than before but I can’t be expected to do things on a whim either. I have no patience for anyone in my life that treats me like an option. Family, freind, lover. If I’m going to be treated like a disposable  castaway, so be it. I’ll make sure it’s remembered.

It’s time for me to embrace the darkness again. I have no faith in this world when all I stand on is a pile of shit. The only time I have any positive change in my life or get motivated is when I’m angry and I hate the world.  It’s time to go back to being that person. He knows how to take care of himself. He’s a cold uncaring motherfucker that will bring a machine gun and bucket of ammunition to destroy his maker. The one that he learned at a young age doesn’t exist. I’ve always been a better person when I embrace the fact that it will always get worse and not better. Hatred, resentment, a violent temper. These are things in this world that actually have meaning. I’d rather prepare to burn and embrace being evil on my level than pretend I have changed and keep trying to be a nice person. I’m a good person and I’m not a monster. But I am not a nice person. I’ve never been a nice person and I have no intention of changing that. My darkness has always protected me and those I love. I hav

I like when you’re last words to me are I love you. No matter how complicated we are. And we are very fucking complicated those words give me hope that this isn’t one big lie. That you aren’t playing games when logic and every other fucking instinct says otherwise.  I’m trying to believe. I’m trying to trust. You’re actions and behaviour make it difficult. And I have my own life and agenda here. Responsibilities too. It doesn’t always include you.  And I’m fine with that. Would my life be better if you were in it? Maybe. Would my life be worse if you weren’t in it at this point in my life. Negative. I’ve had that. I’ve had you ruin that. I’ve accepted my fate. You will either be in my life or on the outskirts. You will never abandon me completely the same way I will never abandon you the same way.  We just have different ways of reaching the same destination. We always have. The biggest problem is control. You need it and I reject it. I thrive in chaos simply because it’s more fun and

I don’t know our next moment. I’ve stopped trying. I’m just making moments for myself now. You come and go like a ghost in my life always on the edges, and things change and you know how I stand and feel but you want that tiny morsel of attention so I’m there for you. It’s not going to be waiting forever. You want Hollywood and I want chaos if you aren’t permanently in my life because that’s easier than pretending I’m going to settle down with someone one else eventually. I know that’s not a fucking reality. I know it will never be a fucking reality.  You’re going to hold me by this tiny string… the one you will eventually strangle me with… and that’s always where we are going to fucking stand. It won’t be a beautiful moment. It won’t be anything. It’ll just continue till it is done. And then it’ll be what it and has always been.  An Ending.