Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I don’t regret a damn thing I’ve done with my life. Not the battles I’ve fought, not the war I fought for all the right reasons. Not the freinds I’ve lost along the way. Not everyone is strong enough for this ride. I have good people in my life and I am living for my adventures. I don’t look back and I just wish the one person that should be by side at baseball games and meeting sports Hero’s and other interesting things like concerts in other provinces was by mine and my inner circles side. That’s a wound that has been taken away. And it sucks. But it happened. Those years are never coming back. But one day maybe we can have them again on our own terms and not dictated by a third party who only has her own selfish interests at play. Oops what was that, is it possibly time for me to look into my own selfish interests? I love you Son, I always will but the truth is the estrangement isn’t going to change anytime soon until you’re told the truth. But one day all these adventures will be w

The battlefield is a scene of constant chaos. The winner will be the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemies. I hate you more days than others. This particular day is one of them. There may be forgiveness. Sometimes when I’m nostalgic I even pretend that it’s not loneliness and futility and I think that I actually love you. The reality is that is a fucking myth. You destroyed all our lives. Mostly mine. But you inflicted wounds on yourself and him because of your selfishness. One day, the man will fucking come around and the answers will be provided. Till then we wait… I didn’t have to forgive you, It was even harder to Fuckin forgive myself. But I did it so I could move on without hate and anger. What drove me for far to fucking long. I made peace with myself and you because it was eating me alive hating you. I needed to do it for my own mental peace.  But whatever your mind game is staying in orbit of my life and offering forbidden fruit and illusions and false prom

The fact I have and have always suspected you of drug use because of your erratic behaviour and decisions over the years shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. You’re life is falling apart and you are the only one hiding bullshit anymore. I have nothing to hide and I don’t do drugs. I am losing patience with the person that you are.  I no longer believe you to be the person I once knew. I’m not even sure that person ever existed and wasn’t just a mask of your real personality. I’m not sure I ever really knew you. I know what it’s like to be an alcoholic, I am one. That’s why when I drink it’s very controlled. And I know drug addicts, and you’re behaviours just seem to get worse digging that fucking hole.  The people you are with and the rumours that I have tried not to hear for decades all correspond. I no longer feel any guilt for thinking I was the lesser person. I know that I’m not. I did everything I could and it was never enough for you.  I am the better person, and I’ll be the bett

The war is over. Every battle needed to be fought is done. I’m slowly picking up the pieces of what’s left of my life and moving on. I used to think all we were in each other others life was the constants that we would always find a way back to. But the fucking reality is that you are the anchor around my neck dragging me down.  You might as well a be fucking noose. You’ve always been the albatross.  You were never the bird of good fortune, you brought my life to ruin and even this little bit of a moment where I’m happy all in my own little universe, you have me doubting that. That’s ok, I won’t let you destroy it this time, that’s my job. I’ll burn it down myself agian instead.  Once I had hoped for a different outcome, but I know now that only one of us lives in a reality that would allow for that. One of us ends up broken and hurt and longing for a world that was barely a moment two decades ago. And the other pretends nostalgic when someone or something is missing in her black hole

We are merely two old souls that grew up in the wrong decade and outlived our usefulness to each other for a moment based on the worlds and families expectations. But then again only one of us fucking lives in this reality, you call in the weirdness of night and play mindgames and I expect me to always answer the damn phone and play nice. I have my own damn reasons for answering that phone and it’s more about my fears about the world you insist on fucking living in… or that you pretend to fucking live in. I will always be the better person because I don’t play games and I leave my emotions on my sleeve, I just don’t let my fucking emotions for you define my fucking life or actions anymore. I did that for a long time. It wasn’t fucking worth it. It still isn’t now.   You continue to play mind games and wonder why i end up with a thicker skin and have quit trying multiple times.  You lie to me and I know you well enough to hear it in your voice, you never could lie to me, what makes you

I am sick and tired of the selfish people in my life. I have things to do and plans to occupy my time. One of these days I’m just going to walk away and pretend I don’t exist. That’s the way I’m constantly treated anyways unless someone wants fucking something for me. It’s ridiculous and I’m done with it. I’m better off all alone and on my own. I never look back and I don’t even look fucking sideways when someone indicates that I’m only needed in their fucking life at their convenience. That’s not fair. That’s not how I lived my life. I was there for people. Now I’m not going to be there for anyone. I don’t care anymore.  I do interesting things. I don’t need money or people that don’t need to be there to hang on my nuts to pretend to be by my side. When there is an unequal balance of who does for who? Fuck it. I’ll withdraw. I’m sick of being being used and I’m sick of a lot of the people in my life who say they are gonna be there till the end and always have my back and when push com

I chose to have my life and do my things, I will always provide for my son and be willing to listen when you want to talk. But I’m not going to just be a satellite character in anyones life. That’s not who I am, that’s not who I’ll ever be in this lifetime. I’m going to always be there in the background with my shadow looming large, I’m his father I don’t have a choice to be. However I like my life and I don’t want yours. I’m not going to just come back to the moment because it’s your last damn option. You’ve made its very clear I’m disposable in your life. And I have a good life now. You’re not needed.  It’s going to take a lot to change that, and respect and trust has a lot to do with that. I have dealt with a lot of my problems and the things that dragged me down, I don’t need yours. I’m willing to help but I watch you miserable in your life and needing me, and I’ll never be that, I’ll never need you or anyone else in that way. I’m strong and independent, while it can get lonely, I

You weren't picky about who got hurt. Still aren't. So don't preach at us like you're some kind of saint. You're just another sinner. I am simply what came next. This is your creation. I weaponized myself against the pure soul I once was because you destroyed that.  I can clean up nice. I can even pretend that things are different, I can forget yesterday for a moment in a bottle, but it’s not your bottle.  But never mistake. I am not nice. I am not yours. I never will be again. I am in control of my life rather than riding the waves of chaos I did as a child and when we were together.  I am in the drivers seat rather than pretending that one day you might come back and save me…. … there wasn’t a soul left to save on the first place. You destroyed that a decade ago.  You knew I was broken and you chipped away at all the good that was left until you got to the black core. And that’s all that is left of me now.  That’s who I choose to be. An evil man who does good thin

I don’t let problematic people into my life anymore. If I tolerate you now, despite all your flaws and the knife in my back every time you keep coming back, it’s only an expression of the deep feeling I have and have always had for you. However, that isn’t the blood tie that binds us… you and I know that. I walked away once and never looked back. You betrayed me and I had no fucking reason to ever look back in to see how you were doing. Little did I know that was the only the beginning of your little betrayals. I wish I could live in your world, but one of us has to live in reality. One of us has to be the Noble demon and answer for all of our sins. God knows it will never be you and you’re altered reality Alice.  Brick by boring brick I rebuilt my fucking world, it’s not much but at least it’s mine.  I get to be angry. I get to hold a grudge. Every olive branch that you’ve fucking burned. I’m done. I may have given you my word. But that moment is almost upon us. And once it’s done it’

There is the fact that you don’t live in this world that you want my permission to leave, sorry Pinocchio , I’ve been been free the last 2 1/2 years… the court order is done, there is nothing left for you to hold on to… nothing but your illusions. That’s the reality of things… I don’t care what you do I just want you and him safe and happy and every time I talk to you I don’t hear that in your voice… meanwhile im coming down from 3 days with my friends in niagara where you weren’t even thought of once…  The person that entertains your delusions doesn’t live here anymore… I gave my word 4 years ago.. I have no problem keeping it… but when I made that promise I expected something different to be the place both of us were standing today.  Instead it’s a status quo except I’m a living emotional crutch…  The fact that due to circumstances I have some permanence in my life means you can do what you want… but here’s the things… that straw that’s breaking the camels back is wearing very thin a