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Anchor.



The war is over. Every battle needed to be fought is done. I’m slowly picking up the pieces of what’s left of my life and moving on. I used to think all we were in each other others life was the constants that we would always find a way back to. But the fucking reality is that you are the anchor around my neck dragging me down.  You might as well a be fucking noose. You’ve always been the albatross. 


You were never the bird of good fortune, you brought my life to ruin and even this little bit of a moment where I’m happy all in my own little universe, you have me doubting that. That’s ok, I won’t let you destroy it this time, that’s my job. I’ll burn it down myself agian instead. 


Once I had hoped for a different outcome, but I know now that only one of us lives in a reality that would allow for that. One of us ends up broken and hurt and longing for a world that was barely a moment two decades ago. And the other pretends nostalgic when someone or something is missing in her black hole of life. I am whole all by lonesome, and trust me some days it is lonely. But I don’t define myself by who I am with, I never have. But I am Whole, and I always will depend on myself. I’ve seen my worst demons and faced them down and I can’t even call you my worst enemy. 


You are just the only thing left that mattered in my life that I once thought that might be able to heal and become unbroken once agian, the sad part is that was a lie. Because that’s all you do, that’s you’re fucking damage… you lie. 


It was never about me being good enough. I was better than anyone, but that isn’t good enough for you to control the narrative so you had to make me the devil and the villain of the story. There’s just one problem with that, I’m busy being evil all on my own. I’ll be the Noble Demon on my own time thanks. I don’t need your damnation. I have my own to create.


You are simply what you have always been. An Albatross. One I can never escape. You won’t fucking let me. You’ll drag me down first. I’m not ready to drown for you. Not anymore. 


I have my own demons to drag me to bottom, some of which we share, some of which are you’re creation, some of which have nothing to do with you, but the difference between me treading water and you drowning is that I’ve healed, or at least made peace with my demons while yours are still eating you alive and dragging you to the bottom, I can’t be you’re living emotional flotation device, I can barely save myself anymore, trying to save you, even as long as I have tried, is no longer part of the equation.


You’ll just drag me down, and this time that answer is death, not starting over. We are both too fucking old for that. You won’t be done till one of us is anyways….. and we’ve already established that you’ll be first, because you couldn’t handle the impact of you having to be strong for you and my son when I’m gone. That’s always been my place, I’m the strong one. 


I’m the one with the albatross placed around my neck.


Heal yourself, then come fucking find me, maybe I’ll even still be around. I’m done fighting. I’m done being angry. I’m just looking for a little private peace. I’m just not sure how willing I am willing to allow you to disturb it anymore.

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