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Such Fun: Ain't It Fun II



I chose to have my life and do my things, I will always provide for my son and be willing to listen when you want to talk. But I’m not going to just be a satellite character in anyones life. That’s not who I am, that’s not who I’ll ever be in this lifetime. I’m going to always be there in the background with my shadow looming large, I’m his father I don’t have a choice to be.


However I like my life and I don’t want yours. I’m not going to just come back to the moment because it’s your last damn option. You’ve made its very clear I’m disposable in your life. And I have a good life now. You’re not needed. 


It’s going to take a lot to change that, and respect and trust has a lot to do with that. I have dealt with a lot of my problems and the things that dragged me down, I don’t need yours. I’m willing to help but I watch you miserable in your life and needing me, and I’ll never be that, I’ll never need you or anyone else in that way.


I’m strong and independent, while it can get lonely, I don’t need anyone to define me, I never have. That’s the difference between us. And I have a good life a good social circle and great supports, all of which you lack. You could have them too, but you’re the one that put the match and the gasoline on the bridge. 


And you don’t understand why I’m happy and your miserable…


Hello jealousy… 


I choose not to be miserable and enjoy my life. That’s why I’m happy. It’s not every day where I’m happy, but most days now it’s not a struggle and I’m never going to be as down and dark and depressed as I was once before. 


I Live. That is simply my choice. I sacrificed and struggled long enough to chase hollow goals that never came true… it’s time to do for me now. It’s time for me to enjoy my life and the things I can do for myself and others now. I never need to go back to the dark days of sacrifice. I tried to hard to accomplish nothing. 


That’s where I stand. 


It’s pretty sad that I go to bed every night and wake up every day hoping there isn’t a call or message from you so that I can have another day of peace instead of turmoil, and that my mental health returns to normal when you take your months and months long Absences  in my life. I get to heal and go back to my mental peace when you’re gone.


That’s what I crave most days now. Not tossing and turning trying to figure out the something that will never come. 


I get to do the things I like and want to do like meeting A Listers from sports and movies etc, and front row at concerts because I chose those things. I’m going to enjoy my life now and I don’t need anyone beside that doesn’t choose to be.


I’m having fun, and unless things change you can fuck right off. I’m choosing to happy while you stay miserable. 


The saddest fucking part is while I go thru the motions and pretend that I care and that I want things to change and gave us go back to our moment, the reality is it was and exploding white dwarf star of a moment measured in seconds, while the reality is that we have to live in eternity.


I like my life, I’m happy where I am right now. You’re life would upset my apple cart. I like permanence. I like the status quo. Out here, I’m free. I don’t answer to anyone.


If I feel like you are wasting my time and effort I will always let you fade, I have better things to do.


I don’t regret anything I’ve done in my life or the choices I’ve made along the way. Some of them more forced than most. But I’m sitting alone at home depressed and full of regret either.


I want to pretend like I care or sometimes feign sympathies but there are times that I truly do not. I have my own problems and responsibilities. It’s just simpler for me now. And I’m not miserable. 


I’m not angry. But I’m not at anyones beck and call anymore except my own. My choices are the defining moment now and that’s all that’s fucking left. Everything else was destroyed. The good things aren’t there anymore. So I just deal with whatever the fuck is left in my life to make myself seem fufilled. 


But I’m not sad, I’m not fucking miserable and I am not pretending to be otherwise to create a wall between me and another person. I’m just doing my thing. Like I always did, like I always will. 


No matter where I live or do, I’m going to do it, I’m gonna be like the man and black and just do it, my own thing, and I won’t give a damn, you had a moment to be part of that life. Multiple fucking times. I’ve abandoned a girl I truly did love for you once. So when I reject you now, please be aware I’ve put some deep Fuckin thought at late night graveyard hours into it… 


…I used to be willing to sacrifice so much for you, now I wouldn’t give up the smallest bit of my happiness that I have left to be there…


…. My only wish is to spare you and him pain based on your choices, that’s why I will always be here and that door will always be open… but I’m aware that you have to deal with what’s wrong with you not what’s wrong with me. I fixed that. I didn’t need you for that. My life is good. I intend for it to stay that way. 


I don’t live in your world, I don’t have to live with you’re decisions anymore. I did that for long enough. I’m not trapped anymore by your bad decisions. I’ve got enough of my own I answer for. The difference is I’m still not making them in the same way you are.


I choose to no longer live that life anymore. I wish you would join me on my adventures. That’s where I want to be. But I’m not going to be the one questioning if I could be happy instead of miserable. I simply am fucking happy. I’m not going to let anyone drag me down anymore. I did that his entire adolescence. It wasn’t always you, but it was always something. Now It’s about making different choices and different decisions and hoping that one day you wake up and join me.


I don’t know where we stand, at this current moment I’m not sure how much I care other than the fact that I do care. I want a different outcome but I’m not the one that needs to make that effort to get to that outcome anymore. I live as much as I can but I know what dark alleys of my past I don’t need to know or go back down anymore. That’s our difference. 

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