Skip to main content

Thirteen Years.



The battlefield is a scene of constant chaos. The winner will be the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemies.

I hate you more days than others. This particular day is one of them. There may be forgiveness. Sometimes when I’m nostalgic I even pretend that it’s not loneliness and futility and I think that I actually love you. The reality is that is a fucking myth. You destroyed all our lives. Mostly mine. But you inflicted wounds on yourself and him because of your selfishness. One day, the man will fucking come around and the answers will be provided. Till then we wait…


I didn’t have to forgive you, It was even harder to Fuckin forgive myself. But I did it so I could move on without hate and anger. What drove me for far to fucking long. I made peace with myself and you because it was eating me alive hating you. I needed to do it for my own mental peace. 


But whatever your mind game is staying in orbit of my life and offering forbidden fruit and illusions and false promises, I’m not a stupid man, I never fell for your shit. I’m not about to start now. I just need to find a way to move on and let you and my son be at peace without me.


Sadly I think it’s a peace that you will never find and days like today, I Fuckin promise you, 100 percent every moment of hell you’re in. You’ll never know the hell you put me in, mostly because giving you that much emotion from a side of me that is dead and buried and forgotten is too much of a victory for you, it’s what you want. Me to react. 


What I should be doing is focusing on my life and my happy moments and remembering the ones you didn’t take away from me and my child. That’s why I don’t completely hate you, that’s the only reason. Because I have those moments. You gave me those at least. You didn’t have to.


I’m long done fighting, and I’m long done all my wars with you.  I need to learn to move the fuck on. Every time it gets a little easier. Every year it gets a little easier to just shed one more tear and remember what the fuck you took away, from all of us. 


Something’s I may be willing to forgive, some days I may be willing to even let

You explain and other days I just dwell in the darkness and let it all consume me. 


Today is one of those Fuckin days.  I just let the darkness in.  I may have loved you once. But you betrayed me, and more than that you betrayed him… I’m allowed one day a year to fucking hate you more than normal.


Don’t fucking call tonight. It will go unheard on deaf ears. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...
Post a Comment
Read more