We are merely two old souls that grew up in the wrong decade and outlived our usefulness to each other for a moment based on the worlds and families expectations. But then again only one of us fucking lives in this reality, you call in the weirdness of night and play mindgames and I expect me to always answer the damn phone and play nice. I have my own damn reasons for answering that phone and it’s more about my fears about the world you insist on fucking living in… or that you pretend to fucking live in.
I will always be the better person because I don’t play games and I leave my emotions on my sleeve, I just don’t let my fucking emotions for you define my fucking life or actions anymore. I did that for a long time. It wasn’t fucking worth it. It still isn’t now.
You continue to play mind games and wonder why i end up with a thicker skin and have quit trying multiple times.
You lie to me and I know you well enough to hear it in your voice, you never could lie to me, what makes you think that’s changed? You always have this need to be in control and win the fucking argument… meanwhile I’ll never give up an inch to you, I’m too damn stubborn. And no one, not the system, not corrections, not my career or education have ever been able to control me, you’re the only person I’d even consider letting in that far, and even that it is skin deep. Because any deeper you’re going to cut me, and I’ve long since evolved from leaving myself open for you to cut me deep…
Our time is over, I’m not here waiting for you anymore. I wish I was, I just answer that damn phone because I’m afraid that one day the person on the other end won’t be you… it’s my last true fear.
But don’t mistake that little bit of fear for any other emotion, I listen to you cry and lie for hours and I am turned inside myself. But I’m sick of being the strong one. For you, for anyone else. You’re right I should leave and be gone. That’s the end of my story, it always has been. Gets too tough abandon all I’ve had and all I’ve known? But here’s the thing, I’ve never fucking had anything. The one little bit of heart and the little bit of the world that is mine and mine alone? That starts and ends with you. Never forget that’s what you’ve taken away.
I’m patient because I don’t know if I’m willing to let you inside agian. I like my life right now. No one other than you is lying and playing games. I control the narrative and I do the things I want.
I’m sick of waiting for you to fix yourself, you’re the one who is fucking drowning, not me. I can’t fix whatever broke you, you’re fucking transference issues means all I am is your Favourite fucking victim.
There’s a problem with that however. I am a lot of things, Villian, Demon, Devil, Monster, Son of perdition, Little Horn, most unclean, unforgiven, call me what you will. One thing I am not and will never be is a fucking victim, so get that out of your mind. You’re the liability in my life that destroys everything I once had. And you do it dancing on a grave I refuse to ever settle on. You make your choices, I’ve made mine. Once I stood between you and him, now I stand alone and I stand up for my self.
You think you’re better than me when you live a life I left a long time ago. I prefer my freinds and my happiness and peace to the turmoil that you intend to create with every phone call. I’ve moved on.
You are the only thing keeping me tied to this region and to any emotional ties that are left. But like a pack of matches in a pool of gasoline you wonder why I keep losing more and more interest with every chess move.
The fucking game is over, you won years ago… there’s nothing more than a rotting corpse on this side of the table that you’re voice reanimates in the hope of being a family once again. It’s an illusion.
All you’ll do is leave my little bit of a life and peace in flames, I’m not the one broken anymore, I probably wasn’t the one that was the most broken to begin with, I just dealt with the ruins, that’s what the junior partner gets to be. I clean up the Remains and I get to be the constant on your life.
Except one day, I might not be.
Comments