Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am not impressed this morning.. someone has hacked my email which is not the most impressive fucking thing when i have the weight of the world currently upon my shoulders... it doesn't help when I am thinking about something else. that is pissing me off in personal life. of course that's just ebcause i am too trusting to so called supposed freinds... that's what my fists are for.. it'll get dealt with eventually. Current mood: Angry at the Internet.

36 hours until the big fucking pay off.. at least it's coming together and it's not a sea of anarchy today... and i'm very happy to be leaving work after a quiet weekend on a positive note with the house clean.. people piss me off and it's nice to have work to be one of those things where all external infulences are for the most part left at the door.. all my problems go away when i know i have a purpose. Current Mood: Happy.

we are not fucking impressed by people who claim to be freinds and fucking leech or cause emotional turmoil... I am too old for this shit and have too many goddamn responibilties for fucking high school nonsense... i'm busy moving to another spot on the hamilton mountian becuase i need to advoid drama from the downtown core. this city isn't the healthiest for my mental health or to raise a kid in unless it's away from the core... trust me i know better than most... i'm helping to raise kids from this city as well as my own. i don't need to be as angry as i was last night at two people who claim to be freinds.. i have my real fucking support circles and people that will go out and put their necks on the line for me... why am i even going to acknowledge the others who just want a peice of me for the own selfish reasons and/or to pass judgement on my lifestyle. sorry.. too self involved for that. there isn't much in this world that means anything to me anymore exce

This weather is fucking killing me... this heat is brutal... i am dying in it.. and trying to pack in an apartment when they are playing games with the AC doesn't help..I will be happy when i'm moved. Current Mood: Annoyed.

So anyways.. i'm glad to be fucking out of here.. fucking landlord comes to my door at fucking 3 am monday night and starts shit and accuses me of being a drunken alcoholic because I'm busy packing and I have a beer in my hand, ever heard of having a good time? it would help if you could fucking understand english but that would be hoping for far too fucking much. i haven't felt the way i currently do about a landlord in a very long time. the last time i did i spent the night in the don jail and that was me sober. I;m fucking so glad for my sanity and my sons safety to be aout of this shithole apartment... plus i'll be closer to work at the new place and the new guy understands that given the nature of my job some days off i have to be nocturnal.. dumb fucks here could never understand that even tho they make noise doing chinese new year till 5 am... so...Fuck you, Fuck Off, and Good Fucking Riddance. I won't be looking back. Current mood: Pissed. Current Music: Whi

Sometimes things are not as they seem and one can get aggravated very easily. sometimes too easy. i'm not losing shifts as much as i am gaining freetimne. i am hoping the next direction in my life being walking distance from work will help things as well as i will be very happy and willing to go to work on a moments notice. sometimes you just have to have patience and wait for things to explain themselves. the next month or so will be tight but then agian that's fucking life. Current Mood: Happier.

We are agian not fucking impressed. nothing like picking up my pay to see my hours have been fucking cut back agian... i guess i know exactly where i stand on the pathetic political totem pole, fuckers. I have the desire to be there but i have to consider my own child and working myself to death and not seeing him is hell, esp. when all he does on saturday night is attach himself to the hip till 2 am and refuse to sleep in his own bed. I don't think i'm going to sacrifice any more weekends for this job.. this is getting pathetic. my next paycheque won't even cover the bills.. what a fucking joke... i should really start thinking about quitting. there are other options and I need to start looking into them, it's not becoming a choice anymore. i have my reasons. i have passion and desire for this job but I am not going to let my life be affected by bad decsion making and If i have to be unemployed for a month or two agian it's better than the uncertainity of when and

This day is just turning out fucking wonderful... first she plays games.. but that's ok I don't have to work on Sunday this weekend so i'll just enjoy all of father's day with him instead of rushing him home... and then i'll take my sweet fucking time getting home. that works.. of course i'm about to change things in my life and it looks like i'll be seeking another job very soon as I am losing shifts agian... nothing like having 2 months from hell and then going back to extrmely casual.. it reflects how important I am. hopefully this is only a short break but I am getting frustrated by it... I don't like not knowing if i have a steady income from my sometime employment... looks like i'll have to find another job. defintly thinking if something comes thats more permanent or routinely full time i will take it becuase i am getting fed up with this nonsense... shifts here.. no shifts there.. i needed a break but 2 weeks of nothing is fucking ridiculous.

Another day spent on the road... it seems even in my free time it always get complicated. hopefully today is a nice quiet weekend and i sew up some of the xfactors in my life over the next few days. it will be good to spend father's day alone with him even if their is the usual bullshit but whatever summer's here and i can truly feel it. note to self do not wear black when having to go all over niagara falls and st. catherines, not a good idea... i am seriously covered in sweat.. the cords aren't helping either... but this will be a nice break from the usual carefree (yeah right) life i am currently having... one last weekend before the big move... hopefully things will go right and i will get this new place close to work.. that would be awesome. Current Mood: tired but happy. On a long and lonesome highway east of omaha You can listen to the engines moaning out as one note song You think about the woman or the girl you knew the night before

Another day And I'm bored. the rain isn't helping either.. at least i have a weekend to look forward to i just have to figure everything else out. it's pretty sad that i have absolutely nothing to do.. but then agian i should be resting and packing.. god knows when i'll get called into work. Current Mood: Bored to Death. Current Music: Welcome to Detriot, Trick Trick Ft. Eminem.

I am bored and this Weather Sucks. I am really getting to a fucking point where i need to find something else to do with myself as Sitting around watching Videos and using the interweb is all I do with my Life. I expected More. my life is currently Revolving around my kid and work and the Kids there.. i have absoluteley no other real interests and It is starting to blow my mind how the tumbleweeds blow.. i Need something to do outside of work and junior. Current mood: Bored.

So anyways another easy morning and Once agian I leave work Feeling very positive. I'm pretty happy about that. I'm going to enjoy the time off until i get called in but hopefully i can have a few days off to iron everything out. Looking forward to dinner tonight and hopefully onto the next step housing wise soon. Current Mood: Happy.

Things are interesting and more distant. I do not see any clear paths currently in terms of housing as i have starting to think a third floor walk up is a bad idea... esp in terms of my child.. i have to continue to persure other options. there are things at work that are becoming easier and some understanding is taking place. I am looking forward to a break for a few days however.. and the weekend with the boy. Current Mood: Anxious. need an apt.

this positive wave is contuining another day. I am feeling really good. Hopefully this maintains for a long while and there is nothing but positivity in my future. If I could just get through to a kid once and make him realize that he isn't just something on this earth worth nothing and make him know that he can achieve something with his life that would be my ultimate goal as a C.Y.W. worker Nick Coombs 1997. Current Mood: Positive. Current Music: Midly Skankerous. 7 things.

I cannot belive how positive today is turning out to be, small road block this morning and i won't be going to St. catherines but thats only a small setback... everything else is positive and i'm going to work tonight so it's all good. Current Mood: Guess. But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?

I'm feeling a lot better today and also a lot more confident. some of the things that are bothering me are starting to change and people are getting that only so much can be handled by one staff member before the cracks begin to show in many staff members, today was an easy morning and i am in a lot more positive mood.. of course having a slight 420 buzz on right now is helping too... but i'm in a way more positive space anyways, and it was a normal morning not perfexct but I didn't leave doubting myself or angry.. that's unhealthy and happens way too much... I'm a professional i should be able to leave that shit at the door but that's not always how it is. Current Mood: Happy. I'm so happy 'cause today I found my friends They're in my head

One is beginning to wonder when the dream becomes a disease... i cannot find balance and recharge my batteries without going back into work for what is supposed to be the relaxed shift without dealing with a shitstorm, i am becoming very fucking stressed out and being chewed out immediatley after or in the middle of a crisis is not healthy for my mental health or theirs, either i do too much or i'm not doing too much... there is no balance here and i am starting to feel it's an unsafe enviorment, and No I'm not talking about me. i am very glad i am aware there other options out there in other homes and i am intending to continue to persue them , there is a reason i'm interviewing in burlington i'm not going to burn out fast or fade away at this job... if there is something better out there it may hurt but i am starting to feel that may eventually be a better option... I am trying my hardest but i am starting to feel like a peon... and i know how that feels on a regu

There is a definite feeling today after discusing things with my social circle and the only peer group that i truly acknowledge that things need to change... even if i only do minor things like writing and fucking advocacy and maybe getting involved in a agency that is a watchdog or something... i may have the bones breaking from my back but i need to target the source of the fucking problems and not just get angry about it... i'm starting to become the motherfucker i was back in college and before with the fire up my ass.. complacency has happened for too long.. .. wheteher i just gave up from compalcey or i need a fucking kick in the ass to get the fire back.. it's fucking there... Enough Is enough and things need to change.. and Twenty Fucking years i don't think anything has.... the one fucking day i have off and all i think about is work even when surrounded by most closest and oldest freind... It's fucking nice to have that social circle that loves me though.. but

There is still something seriously fucked up about priorities but i'm a black angel in a sea of hopelessness. I do not like some of the ethics forced upon me currently and the confusion that surrounds what is correct ethically.. hopefully with patience things will work themselves out but i am not pleased with the way things are and how certian people treat things... but i'm a low level grunt i'm not in a place to make noise unless i really have to. but i am catologing everything i see in my mind and it will make a great chapter for my book, if i ever get around to writing it. the more i think about it the more i know i won't be at this job forever, this is the first day off in 2 weeks and another week and a half to look forward to at work. but then agian this really only step two of a very long journey.. it's not over by a long shot. Current Mood: Tired. The more that you fear us The bigger we get Dont be surprised when we destroy all of it

We are Not impressed. it seems that certian priorities are extremely fucked up. I cannot belive this shit and it seems i should be examining my options esp. career wise. i did not fight this fucking hard to get where i have gotten to have it made a mockery of by bad planning and business decisions. i am very frustrated and that is something that should not be. i work very hard and the existance of freetime is a joke. i need to go back to some of my originals writings and essays and find some balance within them.. i need to reexamine my ethics and beliefs and get back to a place i am comfortable instead of being dictated to by superiors who don't have a clue, i know the ministry guidelines a lot better than most, and i need to go back and read my opions and facts on them to get back to a place i feel fucking comfortable becuase right now i don't feel that way... and this is not a one burned out day this is a contuinal process.. and i am coping with it the only way i know how and

Nothing like catching the tips of your fingers in the door at work on a day you're not even supposed to be there but because you took the office keys home you had to drop by.. doesn't hurt so much as it fucking stings. at least it was the middle fingers on my right hand so i won't be affected as much... but damn it still hurts. Current Mood: Injured.

Another week another double shift. sometimes things happen for a reason and i am glad we had such a great weekend and we had a little talk about daddy's job and what he does there on saturdays as it was needed becuase of yesterday. for once it seems Someone is capable of a little understanding when it comes to my career and the fact that i am currently responsible for more than just my son in terms of my career and shit happens it isn't always going to be perfect. but that's life. Current Mood: Tired.