Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

#1 in the world agian in hockey, girls and boys, take that yankees. Current mood: Excited Current Music: Wild Side, Motley Crue. It seems that everything's gone wrong Since Canada came along

I am not feeling supported at work, i'm back to long 60 hour weeks this week and i feel that any decsion i make is trumped as soon as another staff comes in, it's frustrating... good or bad these kids aren't making any progress with all these fucking mixed signals. it's probaly the reason I blow of steam so hard or sit at home depressed after work, a few days was nice but a lot of the behavior this week was just blowing off steam, i shouln't party that hard but i end up doing so because i am so frustrated by everything going on within those walls, I swore i would never let this Job become just another clock in clock out job but it getting to the point that there is no point becoming mentally or emotionally invested, nothings ever going to change, I was a fool to think i could try, I was a fool to think I could make changes. Nothing ever changes, it's just the fucking system and it's flawed. Current Mood: Frustrated. Current Music: Crazy Babies, Ozzy. Frustra

So very happy that sometime peoeople come thru on there word... I'm in a really good mood right now, it seems like everything is coming up roses, got called into work last nigth and their were no real issues and everything else is finding it's place in the world and I am so goddamn happy about that, got a new toy for work cuz a freind grabbed it for me to pay a bill... and i spent 2 of my 3 days of misbehaving... sometimes it just pays to wait and have patience and things will work out. Current Mood: Happy. When neither their property nor their honor is touched, the majority of men live content.

misbehaving on my day off as usual, but i'm feeling good and feeling happy, and i haven't felt that way in a little while. Current mood: Happy Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death.

Some mornings are rougher than other's, this was a decent morning, no real issues, hopefully I am finally getting thru to the person I need to get thru, they are good kids the just need a little guidance and a little respect. some days it's hard to feel I'm doing a good job. this morning wasn't one of them. Current Mood: fuffilled. Current Music: Emienem, The Way I Am.... If you want to be happy, be.

Just like the energizer bunny, me and this endless work week just keep going and going, one day off and i had little man and he had great time, he loves his house so much, i could literally do nothing but hang out in my neighboorhood and he would be content, which is awesome.. I am starting to agian feel comfortable at work, last night i had a decent conversation with the object of my discontent and we spoke politely to each other and are starting to become on the same page, obviously we are not always going to see eye to eye on everything but it's better than being adversarial to each other all the time. Current Mood: Happy Current Music: Hair of the dog, guns and roses. The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

Looking forward to another week with some more optimism then usual, have little one will travel, i am currently watching him put on a puppet show in the library. it's pretty awesome, he's so happy to hang out and just be himself.. speaking of being myself i had a good conversation with my boss and i feel a little sturdier on my feet knowing that i know the right from wrong and as long as i stay on my course and play by the rules as I'm expected i don't have to deal with harrassment from someone bitter and dictatoral, we need to all be on the same page but we don't have to be assholes about our point of view. Current Mood: Happy. Remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall -- think of it, ALWAYS

there are still many questions to be answered and i need to realistically take a look at the word and the universe and realize what is in the clients best interest in the home and look at what is in my best interest in my career, in my life, in my sons life, and deal with everything on that basis, there's no question that most days at work will make me unhappy but i should cherish the good experinces and the good mornings where there are no issues, they used to come around more often. I still need to question things and Never compromise. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Current Mood: Questioning. Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man

This day just get's more and more interesting, why does it seem like their are two diffrent paths and fighting idealogies and i have to play Solomon and respect both warring idealogies... no wonder if get so let down and frustrated by my job, i have to have the wisdom and patience for all of this and when i am constantly getting mixed signals and there is no true leader it's pretty fucking frustrating, pretty sad that these kids are possibly seen by my co-workers as throwaway kids, even sadder is the fact that i can't afford to lose this job to survive if i had the authority to say something, i think it's time to start making a personal log of everything i see that isn't correct according to the ministry and everytime someone crosses a line either professionally or personally, i feel a little about my job right now but i still can't see the blackness of yesterday. Current Mood: Confused. Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we hav

What the fuck is it with people who think they can call me on my day off and ruin my entire day out with my mother by yelling and screaming and bithing at me for about ten minutes... i know your the fucking supervisior but i'd already debreifed the day before with the boss... and if you want to threaten my job that's fine put something formally in writing, it's not like it hasn't happened before, if i'm wrong in trying to support these kids and have them have a normal life, then i guess i'm fucking wrong. the behavior yesterday, so fucking loud my mother could hear you on the other side of the cellphone, doesn't border on harrassment it is harrassment, and it's not the first fucking time you've done this, i think i've finally figured out where the fucking politics and backstabbing starts and ends at work, it's not surprising, i do have to wonder why you would prefer the employees be miserable and at each other's throats and angry and with

The more i think about things and ponder them the more i feel it's the things I do that are important rather than the fact that i may have any longevity or impact on lives past the day at hand... i think that if continue to dwell on the negatives i will end up stressing and wearing myself out, that leads to burnout... seeing how this is the only job i really ever wanted to do burning myself out is not a good idea... yes i can write, yes with university there is a piossibilty of a second career but i really don't want to be middle aged and going into a new job market agian...better to be good at one thing than be a journeyman career wise for the rest of my life. Current Mood: Reflective. Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not one has better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on one's ideas, to take a calculated risk - and to act.

Sometimes you have to wonder why things are the way they are. i have not been sleeping well recently. I really think i need to examine both my ethics and my survival skills and where i want to be in 5 or ten years from now and know that i have made a diffrence and not just eke out a living doing what i thought was the right thing but may be the wrong circumstance, one cannot win a battle if one is the only one concerenced for well being or another persons rights, i'm getting sick of the politics and how they affect the kids, and i'm getting really sick of how certian clients are being treated it isn't fair and it is becoming rather obvious some people are turning a blind eye while others are not... Current Mood: Unclear. A man may fall many times, but he won't be a failure until he says that someone pushed him.

Another wonderful shift from hell, i am seriously wondering what the fucking point to this place is at all.. the kids are obviously out of control and it's obvious that the vocal members of the staff are being isolated from the other's in terms of behaviors because it's much easier to maintain the status quo if the disgrunteled members of staff are isoalted on the graveyard shift...working a day shift with the other night staff was very telling.. esp. when the shit hit the fan, it's very telling how little the clients respect the people currently on regular nights, and it doesn't help when i'm the one that has to handle all the phone calls and all the paperwork, i'm the most illerate person on the staff and i carry the bulk of the nonsense after working the graveyard. i'm not surprised by today';s behaviors and it's almost expected... when the shit hit's the fan the whole house of cards comes falling down, i no longer see a future here and th

didn't get home last night, decided to go wandering and hanging out with freinds... it took the edge off, when I drink responsibly watching movies and listening to tunes it hurts no one... i had a great time even tho we woke up hungover too goodamn early to do stuff for the day, all's well tho.. i can go home and sleep all afternoon until i have to go to work tonight.... batteries are recharged and i'm ready for the next step...still persuing other goals but i'm thinking my time in hamilton may soon be limited. Current Mood: hungover. Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean.... Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.

wondering exactly the next step is... so much for the expected weekend plans, sometimes it's just better to let things go and live for the moment and not to expect much from the world... right now i have what i need to survive and take care of the little one... should I expect more? i looked deep within myself and asked that question and i think the answer is gonna end up being No. Current Mood: Completative. ...Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.

It's about time the snow started to fall, hopefully he will be excited about it and come visit and make snow angels all friday!!!! looking forward to his day off tommorow and friday. Current Mood: Hopeful. And finally Winter, with its bitin', whinin' wind, and all the land will be mantled with snow.

I'm freaking bored, i need to find another job so i have something to do during the day esp. in the winter there is only so long i can sit in front of a computer or a television.. maybe i should see if there's a gym nearby and lose this spare tire around my gut, the mountian has some positives aspects to it but it is kinda isolating esp. when there is only residential area around... would probaly help if i had a laptop at home and could write when i want to, i think it's time i start to presue some of my other goals in life, to hell with the consequenses. Current Mood: Bored. Current Music: NWO,Ministry. Your true traveler finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty -- his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure.

So anyways, yesterday wasn't a complete Clusterfuck... sometimes things happen and there is no explanation for behaviors, considering my profession this shouldn't come as a surprise that my own child might have a mood swing once in a blue moon, hopefully this week he will be happier and it will be less cold, you can't stay angry forever or it will rot you from the inside out, you have to find peace with this life and the things that you can and cannot control, I am learning new things everyday when it comes to seeing things thru the eyes of children. certian things i still cannot stand are all around me, but sometimes there is quiet bueaty about the way that the innocent handle being upset and adversity. Current mood: At Peace. Yang cannot exist by itself; it can exist only when it is supported by yin. Hence yin is the foundation of yang. Similarly, yin cannot alone manifest itself; it can manifest itself only when accompanied by yang. Hence yang is the expression of yin. Y

What the fuck is with people that don't dress my children in appriote fucking winter clothes, nothing like saying to my crying and visibly upset son that it's ok not to come to daddy's because it's cold outside because he's scared to be cold because he's wearing a goddamn hoodie tshirt and a pair of pants that are paper thin? it was nice to hang out with mother in law in fairview mall with him for a few hours but seriously what the fuck? do i need to send all of his good heavy atheltic pants and jeans home so he has winter appriote clothes? this is a child who used to love playing outside making snow angels in winter.. are we smothering him by keeping him inside because it's too cold to be bothered taking him outside to enrich his life in the winter? gues that's what ends up happening when you drive everywhere all the fucking time. Current Mood: Beyond Pissed Off. To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.

Once agian I am left down by a feeling that even tho i pay taxes into them, the goverment see's me as a nonentity, nothing like having a 5 page letter addressing something answered by a one sentence letter saying refused. the amount of paper the goverment provides to refuse something is ridiculous, i bet if they got rid of all the administrative paperwork and the costs thereof they could afford to give someone who needs it a job, but then agian what do i know, i'm just a lowly grunt. Current Mood: Annoyed. When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.

Ow, this tooth fucking hurts, at least today i am doing something about it instead of being angry and pissed off about other things, i have dealt with the other issue and i still think there's is some bullshit going on i think it is manageable until the proper time comes to address the lack of manangement and the excess of bullshit. turns out it was just administrative bullshit, go figure... if you don't know how to run an organization hire someone that can. Current mood: Pained. Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.

Got fucked out of another shift last night agian this time with no explanation, i really need to be finding something else with my time.. it's like i was used when i was needed and now that i am not I am being left out to dry because i'm no longer on the radar... I need to find something else to do... i can't afford to keep living like this... wasting time and money to go to a nonexsistant shift.. i'm sure politics are playing a part but the fact i can't understand if if you cancel a shift why don't you at least have the decency to call a fucking person and let him know.. that makes me feel like every one of my suspicions are correct and after an entire fucking year people are attempting to force me out. whatever.. I can't say i care anymore... time to find something else. Current Mood: Annoyed. Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape.

So anyways, going downtown today was a good thing, dealt with some issues and am not as pissed off at everything anymore, sometimes people are just fucking stupid, but they can be dealt with in polite and peaceful ways before you have to kick the shit out of them, it's was nice to see the little fucker shaking in his boots tho.... shit happens and I can willingly accept that but if you truly try to fuck someone over you will get dealt with. Current Mood: Bored. Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.

it's time to get angry and intimidating, instead of sitting around and pretending everything is alrighht and letting the world go on it's merry way and be pateient with people I need to start dealing with people at face value and letting them see the darker side of me, trust is for fools and therefor I am a fool. Once upon a time tho i had a mean streak a mile wild and didn't trust anyone... it's time to bring aspects of that personailty back, i'm sitting around in pain all weekend because i can't get around to have a rotting tooth looked at so maybe now it's time to settle old scores and start taking care of me for once. Sick of doing people favors and being stabbed in the back for it... time to deal with the bullshit and time to start being the man you should fear agian. Current Mood: In pain. Anger is only a natural reaction; one of the mind's ways of reacting to things that it percieves to be wrong. While anger can sometimes lead people to do shockin