Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

You don't turn your back on family, even when they do. To know that some people still have my back even after all of this means everything to me. That's what's important to me now. The ones that love me and care about me, regardless of how strained and how much I've pushed them away, some it was an easy choice because I will not have my life affecting anyone else's, and I'll fight and go down swinging if it was ever to have been my presence in people's lives that affected them. I feel better for having these people in my life, and at this point I only need positive people that care about me in my life, period. I need happy moments in my life not drama. I've made peace with all the drama in my life. I don't need or want anymore. There is no reason to dwell on darkness and anger. I've made my peace with that. I'm a good person even if I have to prove it to others again, some know, others doubt, including myself. That's the hardest part

Have you ever had to talk to the person you love most? To tell them it's going to be all right, when you know that it's not? I remember the last time I found inner peace with myself and the world. It was a very long time ago. But there for a moment I had it, I should have probably followed my destiny elsewhere at that moment but other things and ties I cannot ever escape in this lifetime kept me from that. It was my error guided by a lovesick heart that led me to make that mistake, and what happened next, I have no regrets,inner peace is meaningless in comparison to who I gained in that moment, and he will always be a part of me no matter what happens. Blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh. The only good goddamn thing I've done right in this world. Despite everything I will never regret being you're father, despite the everything it has cost me. But that will never fall on you as much as I can prevent it. I have to step away from this battle so one day there is somethi

Everyone's got their thing. Maybe it's a breakup, a death, an accident... Whatever it is, you used to be one thing. Now, you're something else I left something behind in November, and I know it's not just my missing motorcycle boots. My mental health ain't great and it's time to address it. I'm not sure how, but I'm trying but I know mentally I've lost a lot. My legendary temper is still there but docile, I just hope one day I don't explode and have it internalize before I hurt myself or someone else. Enough damage has been done because of my actions and decisions. Thought I was doing the right thing, but now I question the decision. There are people in my life who have proven themselves... Both inside and out. Others not so much. When I'm questioning others motives when I'm trying to keep my own shit together, that's not a fuckin healthy place to be. There's a reason I'm standing by those that had my back and ignoring or s

Sometimes there is absolutely no difference at all between salvation and damnation. There is a fine line of new and old friends I am keeping in my life, and who the fuck I am not. Some of my good friends have proved there character and had my back thru this ordeal and understand my reasons for being silent all this time... And then some of my lesser acquaintances have also proven the strength of there character, or more correctly there lack thereof. I have anyone's back that has mine but if you're a fair weather friend I have no need of you in my life and a fair number of the wheat have by their actions not mine been separated from the chaff. I'd rather know who's riding and fighting with me to the death than have the ones that claim too leave long before the fucking finish line. I can be alone, I've been fighting alone for so damn long. It's all I knew. But honestly if I don't have a reason for you to be in my life and there's no reason for me by your

I live my life free of compromise, and step into the shadows without complaint or regret. Those that know the facts of my upbringing and how I was raised in the system should not be surprised by the fact that I have no problem with closed doors and being away from the world. It's sad that I am more comfortable in an institution than I am on the outside and while I've never claimed to be ghetto or a thug or hard... When push comes to fucking shove... I can handle it. I've got war stories other men would qualify as nightmares and I can handle it.... It's just what it is. Rough or not, I'm rougher. I don't back down or compromise unless I have to... And I had no problem putting in work so I came home whole... It was always the predicted life for me anyways... I've never denied being a criminal, but I hate the fact I've been convicted and damned for the sins I did not commit instead of the ones that I am responsible for. At this point I am looking at my

Peace? What the hell did that mean? I'd been so afraid for so long, Fighting and killing and wanting to die, that i just accepted it as normal for the rest of my life. This is probably the hardest blog i have evr had to fucking write... i've rehearsed everything i want to say a million times in my head.. but i fought for 8 years this war that has taken everything from me including my mental health... for those that know me, they know that i would willingly fall on my sword expecting a viking funeral on route to a one way trip to hell for my beliefs... and having to finish the war this way saddens me.. long story short.. it ends and I lost and i simply have things in my life that need to be taken care before i lose the little i have left. I have lost the will to fight, i'm sick of courts, lawyers and fighting. i can no longer mentally deal with it everything related to this. it's not enough to be completely destroyed... which i am at this point. I feel so dead inside..