Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I’m going to continue to have fun with my freinds and live my happy life and be at peace instead of embracing your misery. You had everything given to you and you’re miserable. You were given the most precious thing in both our lives and you destroyed all of his possibilities too.  That day is coming when I answer the phone and I no longer need you, the day I no longer love you. I have my life and I have my friends. As always that’s always all I have ever needed.  You’re not there anyways. You’re not needed anyhow.

In my world, there's no games. Just pain. Misery. Agony. Chaos. Voices begging me to stop. But I don't listen. I am no longer fighting with you. The true battle now is within in my mind. The more you disappoint me the more I want to walk away and stop fighting completely. One day I will stop caring one day I will fade away and I will give no fucks about doing so. There are things in my life that are more important than wherever the hell you and I are now. My heart betraying myself over the logic in my head is the only constant battle now. I fought my war, I fought my battles. And regardless of where and when we stood they were always with you.  I don’t need to fight anymore and I don’t want to. I will walk away and have no regrets. That’s where we send now. I’m done fighting. For you. Against you. Because of you. It’s all fucking done. Forever. I am at peace with myself. That’s the only battle left worth fighting for and most of the time I don’t even care about doing that. No o

I have a lot of free time to be hidden within my mind. It’s why I’m trying to seek distractions with my unfinished business and goals. I have responsibilities now to those that I love and I am still trying to honour the responsibilities I was never given the chance to fulfill, and I’m still trying to do right by them. But I am trapped within my mind and I do overthink a lot of things... but I also don’t like surprises or doubt in my life. I do think about the options in my life and I plan and plot my free time and finances and choices ahead of time, sometimes even months before. But that’s so I can do these things instead of simply existing. I don’t know what the next step is and I don’t know where things are going. I just know that I maintain status quo and I sit here thinking. I don’t need anyone in my life, and hibernation mode with no goals for this season fucking sucks. At least I have a few adventures booked but that’s all that is currently happening. I know that I overthink thin

Two years and I’m still processing this. You’re absence is felt.  Every day. I wish you were still here.