I have a lot of free time to be hidden within my mind. It’s why I’m trying to seek distractions with my unfinished business and goals. I have responsibilities now to those that I love and I am still trying to honour the responsibilities I was never given the chance to fulfill, and I’m still trying to do right by them.
But I am trapped within my mind and I do overthink a lot of things... but I also don’t like surprises or doubt in my life.
I do think about the options in my life and I plan and plot my free time and finances and choices ahead of time, sometimes even months before. But that’s so I can do these things instead of simply existing.
I don’t know what the next step is and I don’t know where things are going. I just know that I maintain status quo and I sit here thinking.
I don’t need anyone in my life, and hibernation mode with no goals for this season fucking sucks. At least I have a few adventures booked but that’s all that is currently happening.
I know that I overthink things. But it’s a defence mechanism because at this point in my life I am prepared for every eventuality.
Part of all this thinking gives me a clarity. I am a student of human behaviour and I know when I’m being used. At this moment I’m not sure to what end but I know that the lack of emotion with each diminishing return when I speak to you from me is starting to give me a form of clarity. One day I will simply answer the phone and no longer care. It’s almost there now. I know everything you have cost me. And sometimes the negatives outweigh any good in my life.
I have to think about changing my life, but the option you have given and taken away isn’t the promise it once was in our 20s. It’s just another fucking albatross and a responsibility and expectation now. My life moves sideways only. You don’t improve it at all.
I’d still make the ultimate sacrifice, but I’m no longer sure who I would be doing it for. I only know why. That’s the prison of being trapped in my mind.
One day I know like many things in my life I will answer that damn that phone and I will no longer care. That piece of my heart that once mattered will become rotted and fall away. I’m already becoming cold and apathetic. I tried, I did. But I’m not trying anymore because it’s not on me to come to me. That’s you’re Red Sea and you’re fucking albatross to bear.
I’m done feeling guilty and I’m done living for someone else who doesn’t deserve me. I’m living my life for me and those that I care about. Not for one that constantly betrays me and plays mind games.
I have way to much time to think and analyze. And as the days draw closer to the moment we truly ended in March and April. I Remeber why I have walked away every damn fucking time.
...and it wasn’t that I didn’t love with you all my heart. It’s because you didn’t love me. You just want me when you’re feeling nostalgic.
I’m done with all that. You had you’re chance. I’m honestly thinking of moving on and being gone. And I could easily be elsewhere. The only anchor keeping me here is my responsibilities to others. Any responsibility I felt towards you or our little family ended a year and a half ago.
All that remains is the memory and the fact that every time you come back into my life you slip the knife a little deeper into my back.
Fuck that, I’m having fun, I’m happy and I don’t need anyone in my life or occupying space in my thoughts that doesn’t need or want to be there. I have better fucking things to do.
You may think in you’re weaker moments that you love me, you may have once. But your actions have always spoke otherwise and I’ve been a fool and delusional to believe that has ever fucking changed. It’s obvious that they hadn’t.
What we are, is what we have always been. An open wound to each other. A scar we constantly pick at when neither of us has anything else of value left in our life. The only problem with that is that while our greatest
Accomplishment of our relationship is the life we created together.
We didn’t create the life for each other that he should have had with both loving parents. You took that away from him and me. You took away my relationship with him when he was seven? I have forgiven you, I don’t hate you. I will never hate you. You’re the mother of my child. You’ll always be that. And the love of my life.
But I don’t want you in my life on a part time basis when you need something. I have other places to be. I have other ways to be happy. You’re not one of them.
You are also the last war in my life I will ever fight. And the fact that I wander aimlessly now is by design. I don’t want to lie any more roots down or be responsible for anything more than I already am.
I’d rather be status quo and alone than peg my hopes on someone new with issues or someone old who it’s merely a fucking pipe dream.
It’s easier to be alone. My greatest moments have always been when I was alone.
Alone with my thoughts.
You have no idea how you have constantly betrayed me due to you’re delusions and you’re behaviour. And you know what that is just fine. Because I’d never trust you enough to ever let you in agian. And that’s the problem, it doesn’t
Matter how much I love you or how much I loved you back then. I could never trust you then, not now, not ever.
That’s always going to be the problem between us. You are not to be trusted. And I will never believe otherwise.
That’s the curse of being an over thinker. I overthink things because of my issues. I’m eternally vigilant and I don’t trust anyone.
And then the one I trusted most in the world at one point continually betrays me? Yeah. That’s never going to ever fucking come back.
I will always question it, therefor I will always question us.
I’m better off alone. Or at least not with you.
Comments