Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer. Maybe self-destruction is the answer.
The only thing the world needs to fear from me is my anger and my fucking temper. I'm sick of being treated as half a man by those that don't fucking know me. This isn't a new place for me, everyone already made their fucking judgements long ago. I'm just sick of continuing to prove myself so I am no longer trying to. It's better to let myself be damned and proven every goddamn expectation of me than to keep fighting a system and a history that has me a criminal anyways. Might as well accept and be dark and damned than keep trying to find some light. I may be broken but I'm still standing, I've just lost the will to fight. I've lost the will for a lot of things. There's no reason to anymore. If the world wants me to be a villain then let me be the bad guy, I can very easily make peace with that. I can be a mean and evil motherfucker if that's what the world wants me to be. But I don't need to be one anymore. I've got nothing left to prove but I will not back down either. I don't need anyone's compassion or understanding. I just need and want to be left alone, for the moment, maybe for a long fucking time.
As for certain people in my life that are still hanging around the edges, I don't need you, and the ones that weren't there because of their own greed and now are enduring their own issues.... And think I can help? What the fuck for? When I needed you, you weren't there for me. Why should I be any different or forgive you for fucking me over because you're in a tight spot. This is why I won't do for anyone anymore. I end up losing... And there's nothing left to lose... It's all gone. I don't care how long the relationship stretches back, when push came to shove, I stood here alone.
I respect those that had my back. I don't respect those that only claimed to... And when the going got rough their own personal lives were more important. So be it. Just like the ones that completely abandoned me by their choice, not my decision... I don't want anything to fucking do with anyways. It's easier in this life without commitments, relationships or distractions. I'd rather go it alone and hate the world and have the world hate me, than have fair weather friends saying they'll always have my back, and yet they don't.
There have been things in my life of value and things that were worth it... All the sacrifices and drama. And there have been things in this life that haven't been worth it, people that haven't needed to be there. People who only looked out for themselves at all costs. Guess what, it's my turn now to do the same. I don't need certain people in my life, and I defo don't need anymore games. Mind games or otherwise. I'm done with all of that. I'm done being that guy that keeps getting fucked over.
I remember every second of my former life, and while there are things I hated then, I'd almost want them back except I know how miserable they fucking made me...and sometimes things were just a means to an end. I don't have that luxury now, now would I want to keep fighting a losing battle. I fought for too long and too hard, just to lose anyways. There's no point going back to that.
There's no fucking point in trusting anyone or anything. I did what I thought was the right thing and I got fucked for it, one of my favourite articles of clothing is missing and as usual as with everything the fucking authorities are not taking any responsibility at all. It's always about what I've done wrong, but god fucking forbid that if someone else makes a mistake that they are responsible for it. I've been dealing with that for years. No one is fucking accountable, you can destroy a fucking man, multiple times and still not hold anyone accountable. But that is the reality of the fucking system... No one is accountable. No one is anything. Once again it's I'm just doing my job, I'm just following orders. I'm sick of hearing it, I'm sick of the reality that I keep getting torn down and destroyed and when I try to do the right thing I keep getting fucked over. There is a lot of anger and hate within my mind and while initially unfocused, it's starting to define focus with laser sharp precision. I've always hated authority, now as always I have damn good fucking reasons. It takes nothing for those pieces of shit to remind me that I am a lesser person than them because of my actions, but god forbid they are ever fucking accountable for theirs. It's always going to be a losing battle for me, I simply will not win. It's not even worth fucking trying anymore. Nothing is. So I just sit around and be depressed and angry. But it's not internalizing suddenly, I'm starting to find a real fucking place to focus it... And thoughts and actions that years ago should have been put into place are now of a serious thought to protect me and the few loved ones I have left from anything further. I've always blamed her, but I'm starting to think the problem is bigger than her. I'm starting to think the problem is bigger than that. As long as I live in the general area of Hamilton or Niagara Ontario I think that I will be constantly fucked with. I gave serious thought to leaving over the winter. Long term that is still likely the fucking plan. Everything here has been stripped from the bones, and they still want their fucking ounce of flesh. I'm done bleeding for them. I'm done bleeding for anyone. I made a choice based on my fucking ideals and views and of course as is natural, I'm being fucked for it. There are a lot of people worth my wrath at this point, and I don't really see anything worthwhile left for me to remain silent, not that I have ever been good at that particular skill anyways. I need my anger to fuel me, and maybe trying to make fucking peace with the entire situation is the wrong attitude.
I do not regret making my peace with her in my head. That war is fucking done. I just need to decide if the target that is always going to be painted on my fucking back is worth painting on my forehead, so they can go boom, headshot when it serves there purposes. There's no reason not to fight, and there's no reason to fight, I'm having a real fucking hard time wrapping my head around both concepts. Maybe it's time to consider the litigation I've always batted around hypothetically mentally in my mind. I won't be doing it for revenge, or for even some sort of mental peace, or for the fact that these pieces of shit facilitated the destruction of my family and the relationship I had with my son. If I choose to do it at this late date, the only reason is because it needs to be fucking done. I'm done being angry at the world, I've lain my weapons down. If I have to let the anger and demons out, I'll have a damn good reason. It's starting to be evident that maybe I will never find peace unless I do exactly that.
If continuing to live and survive means I lose everything I have and everyone I love, that's nothing new and nothing strange to me. It's clear that I have powerful enemies and the fact I chose and still choose not to remain in the station i was assigned as a child means that I have to battle and fight for every scrap that I get? That's fucking fine. I've been homeless, I've been incarcerated, I've never been allowed to be anything but poor. Even was I was full time I made a joke of a minimum wage and had issues maintaining housing in this crapsack shithole city. I'm comfortable with nothing and no one. It shouldn't have to fucking come to that, but that is the exact reality of this world at this point.
I've lost everything that was ever important to me at this point. And while I am held accountable to the Nth degree, no one else seems to want to be. A man can be judged for his actions and decisions but god forbid if someone else is attempted to be held accountable by that man. I'm sick of the hypocrisy, it's a fucking joke. The system doesn't expect to be held accountable yet it holds others to a better fucking ideal than it itself fucking has. I'm done. But I am aware of how little my voice and battles have fucking mattered in this universe. It's time to be done, but maybe, it's not just yet. I don't know how to fuckin back down, I'm trying to make peace with all of it, but when chunks of me keep getting pulled off yet you can't tell me a simple fucking thing like where the hell my belongings are. I do get angry. I do question the system and it's hypocrisy at its core. I Question much of the last decade and who I should be blaming. As I recall the buck was passed then too, and then in 2014 they had trouble admitting that even. I'm just a former crown ward and a criminal, I don't fucking matter. Close this file and move the fuck on.
I keep losing pieces of myself that matter, yet the government and it's agents keep convincing me of my true worth. Which is nothing. I have seen the darker side of this world. I deal with that in my mind every day, I thought I could help others.. But I only succeeded in having my mind, soul, and body destroyed. I had help in that regard, but it doesn't matter. I'm dead inside regardless. I'm always going to be a product of my environments, nothing has changed that. Nothing ever will change that. At least not as far as anyone else is concerned. Maybe I'm even starting to believe that possibility as well.
There are reasons for me choosing to deal with the mental health and physical disabilities head on at this point, and it's got a lot more to fucking do with than simply having a fucking parachute and a place to land. It's always the first place anyone fucking goes to when they want to demonize me, but where the fuck when I need help are these so called professionals? Oh wait, I remember. No where to be seen. There's a reason I trust only a few in the health sciences. The rest hide behind red tape and confidentiality, just like the rest of the fucking sector and system as a whole. I learned that young when that piece of shit Riggs had conflicts of interest out the ass, yet I'm the crazy and unstable one that nearly got out into a psychiatric institution on his fucking say so... Let's not even discuss the things he had to say about my family or the fact I spent years in his private practice group home? I should never have been there or the residential school and the whole fucking world knows it. But at my essense as for what I'm defined by? It's always going to that moment between 8-15, that's all that fucking matters. That's all that's going to matter. I might as well use it to my advantage now. If they think I'm a criminal and a psycho, let them think that... I've spent years proving people wrong... Maybe it's fucking time to start proving some of these people right... Mark my words, they won't like what they see.
There is anger in every moment of my life, and nothing is worse for e than the age of hate I have for medicine and medical professionals who have never ever done anything except assist in tearing me down. I have serious fucking trust issues when it comes to doctors and that impression has not changed and will not change with recent experiences. Nothing like being made to feel uncomfortable when I'm trying to help myself get some mental health help. I'd rather be crazy and not fucking dealing with it and in pain than being disrespected by some clown who didn't even get his degree in North America. The worst part is, all I wanted was help seeing a doctor from my youth in terms of my leg and I wanted a mental health referral, there's a reason I've chosen not to have a doctor the last twenty five years, there's a reason that's likely I'll fight getting one now...2 fucking hospital visits in a month about an ulcer, that's the real concern...not to mention seeing an emerg nurse in January for the same issue, But let's ignore that and sign me up for a test that has nothing to do with my disability. I have no faith in anything in this country. I swear I will have to do something drastic to myself or someone else to get any help. If I wasn't already completely disillusioned by the fucking system, shit like that would completely confirm it. I guess this is why there are so many mental cases on the streets and why so many people are dying, every level of the system is corrupt and broken. Just like me. But they won't apologize when a broken man who just wanted help does something drastic... It's too fucking bad that I am a better man than that and I have self control and I still respect myself and my kid not to go off on the deep end, but Jesus Christ, it's getting close... Too fucking close for comfort...I hate the world and everyone and everything in it... I have no problem if the feeling is mutual. I worked too hard and made too many sacrifices in this life, to watch the one sided system fail me yet again, yet I'm strangely not fucking surprised that once again it has.
It's fucking ridiculous how hard it is in this city to find a fucking doctor. It's frustrating, I'm trying to be healthy but I swear the only way I get medical and mental health help is if I have an episode or a psychotic break... And trust me the latter ain't happening anytime soon but simple fact is the demons I keep carefully are crawling around the seams and I'm losing a little bit of control of them. When the day eventually comes that I lose complete control of them look out, this world will no longer be the same. Appropriate, as neither am I. I'm changed. I'll admit that. I'm broken and shattered and angry and trying to fix myself and getting brick walls thrown at me every time I try...so one day I will stop trying. One bad day, but not today, not yet.
I will never trust the system to not destroy me or the ones I love. It was a mistake to think I could change it from within. The only one changed was me, I'm darker, more bitter, more flawed and more damaged than when I began. The only way to deal with the system is to attack it head on, just like the virus it is. With clarity and a clear mind and heart... When I find I have those again... I might take up that battle again, but my personal ones are done. That enemy is dealt with. This is about letting the world know what they've done unless I choose the more sensible option and just let myself fade away...which would be the intelligent option. I just don't know if I can, maybe I'm going to try. I know my true enemy. And I know that I am an enemy of the very government that attempted to raise me, guess what? I'm still fucking feral, and operating on instinct. I found my killer instinct once again, and I know exactly who I have to fucking hate. Forget blame, there is only hate. For institutions, for systems of control, for the state. For the very same people that created everything I am, you are to blame and if and when I lose it, I will offer no quarter. Everyone else, I tried... I gave everything and I tried and they still ripped the bones right out of my back the moment they were given the chance. The system was right to hate me. The system is right to fear me. Because it fears me much more than I fear it, or ever will. It's always been that way.
I don't know how to go down quietly or fall down on my sword and die when it comes to the system. There are battles now I choose not to fight and people I've chosen to protect with my personal sacrifices. But I haven't forgotten that I am a weapon that I chose to be, and where that weapon has always been aimed. I may step back from it from a moment for some personal peace in my shattered mind but that war isn't over. It will never be over. The only war that was forsaken was the one between me and her. That was done for all of our sakes as a fractured, fucked up family. But as for the root causes of a lot of it. No quarter, no forgiveness. No remorse. One day the full story will be told and it will be published. Enough's been taken away from me and my loved ones... When I'm ready I will be taking my pound of flesh back. I just need to find my strength and will again, but the fire is still there. It has never left, just misdirected. Maybe it wasn't her I should have spent this last decade hating... The real enemy is the one I've spent my entire life hating. The government. The agencies of control that will always have their fingers into me... Good. They created a monster, it's time to show them how monstrous I can be.
I dislike authority but I respect it however and I have no problem dealing with it when I have to depending on the situation. I won't back down from it either, but at this point it is better to attempt to work with the system than to constantly fight against it. I just want peace and tranquility in my life and not constant bullshit and battles. I've gotten too old for that shit, and mentally something will go wrong if I keep fucking fighting the world and everything in it. I just wanna be me.. I don't want to fight no more. No more anger, no more darkness.
I've made a lifetime of hating, fighting and rebelling. It's time for that to stop. I just want to be left alone and not have anymore drama. I need safety and security in my mind and in my life. That's all I need. I don't need to spend another decade at war with the world. I've spent most of my life doing so in some fashion or another. I will never regret doing so, but at some points I do regret it being so encompassing that everything else that could have been positive in my life was destroyed. And other things crumbled to pieces as a result.
I'm no longer staring over into the abyss, I am the abyss and the world is staring into me.
Current Mood: Depressed.
The true outlaw finds the balance between the passion in mind. The solution is always an equal mix of might and right.
So the difference between a criminal and a hero is the order in which their vile crimes are committed. And justice comes with a sell-by date. In that case, you’d better hurry. You wouldn't want your heroism to spoil.
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