The Lost Christmas Eve II

I expect disappointment. It comes naturally to me especially when it comes to the three of us around this holiday. It doesn’t preclude me from trying, I always will no matter where I am and what I am doing. Because what it Christmas except for hope!!! Someone was born in this day if you believe that represents hope. You and I both do not have much faith but i believe In us. I will always give you the benefit of the doubt at Christmas, because there’s something about us that just means a little more at Christmas.

I will always try. It’s too bad that I expect to make contact this week and have it brushed aside. Because thats what you do. That’s all that you do. You get expectations up and make me think there is more to it then the sad pathetic moments when you need me to be there. And then you fade away. Because thats who we are. We aren’t the couple that spent two christmases together happy and agianst the world. We are the old bitter people that are simply what remains.

If you ever truly needed me I would be there. The fact I am not is evidence I will never be there. And whether it’s ignorance or acknowledgment this week I already know that it will end in more false hope. Because thats all it ever is.

But this isn’t about you, it hasn’t been for twenty years. I always try to be there for my son in December. Because I am his father. And I will always be there for both of you. Even if it means I’ll never live up to your expectations. That boy I once was loved you, this man, he doesn’t know anymore. But that boy was way more likely to live up to your expectations. But you destroyed him. This man’s a little more resilient. And there is the fact that you can’t destroy what is already broken beyond all repair.

The birthday letter is written. I expect you to ignore it. I’m a toy that doesn’t serve your purposes. So i get it, I don’t live my life for you anyways. But I’ll go thru the motions anyways because I have to. It’s not about you, it never has been and it’s about being able to one day look him in the face and say I tried. I’ve done that.

This is the last moment I really need to.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

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