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The Lost Christmas Eve II



I expect disappointment. It comes naturally to me especially when it comes to the three of us around this holiday. It doesn’t preclude me from trying, I always will no matter where I am and what I am doing. Because what it Christmas except for hope!!! Someone was born in this day if you believe that represents hope. You and I both do not have much faith but i believe In us. I will always give you the benefit of the doubt at Christmas, because there’s something about us that just means a little more at Christmas. 


I will always try. It’s too bad that I expect to make contact this week and have it brushed aside. Because thats what you do. That’s all that you do. You get expectations up and make me think there is more to it then the sad pathetic moments when you need me to be there. And then you fade away. Because thats who we are. We aren’t the couple that spent two christmases together happy and agianst the world. We are the old bitter people that are simply what remains. 


If you ever truly needed me I would be there. The fact I am not is evidence I will never be there. And whether it’s ignorance or acknowledgment this week I already know that it will end in more false hope. Because thats all it ever is. 


But this isn’t about you, it hasn’t been for twenty years. I always try to be there for my son in December. Because I am his father. And I will always be there for both of you. Even if it means I’ll never live up to your expectations. That boy I once was loved you, this man, he doesn’t know anymore. But that boy was way more likely to live up to your expectations. But you destroyed him.  This man’s a little more resilient. And there is the fact that you can’t destroy what is already broken beyond all repair. 


The birthday letter is written. I expect you to ignore it. I’m a toy that doesn’t serve your purposes. So i get it, I don’t live my life for you anyways. But I’ll go thru the motions anyways because I have to. It’s not about you, it never has been and it’s about being able to one day look him in the face and say I tried. I’ve done that. 


This is the last moment I really need to.

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