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Black Wedding.



I have had a really hard time with this last year realizing that we are at 24 of my 48 years of being involved together. You contributed nothing positive to my life except for a child and while I try and have hope that one day things will fix. I’m not an idiot either. All you have ever lead me to is ruin. And ive spent half my life chasing an ideal, a person you’ve never been. There is no reason I should have had you on a pedestal. The only difference between you and i is that I didn’t actively ever try to destroy you and I honoured you as the mother of my child by keeping your secrets even at the loss of my own. 


I’m not that guy, I would never have tried to ruin you. You did nothing but to destroy me. Even if those small moments I have had peace you’ve always been around to destroy them anyways. Don’t get me wrong I know we’re toxic, but the balance of that has always lied with you. 


5 years you’ve been back in my life, 4 years the ring has sat in the bedroom dormant what has it all led to? You are a woman of words. You just call when you are feeling low. When your perfect little life has abandoned you, and you need to bring me down to your level because you are jealous of mine… that is understood. But I don’t think what you understand is my life is good because of the lack of your presence in it. I honoured you with my last motion in 2020 and I have always made sure I’m available for him when needed with birthdays and Christmases but I’m doing my own thing. There is a reason we never went to any concerts yet I’ve lost track of how many I’ve seen in the last two years. It was something private and then as now I knew the first time you sat beside me at a concert I wanted to do something special. But you fear that, it’s not about fearing me, you and I both know that’s a lie.


You have given me absolutely nothing since you called on my birthday in 2019. And you’re actions always prove that your words ring fuckin hollow so I have adjusted my life accordingly. You aren’t a responsibility, you are simply an anchor that pulls down my mental health and has for half my life. Congrats on replacing the other poison in my life. 


You are rude, mean and selfish. All of his attributes. Difference is I don’t know how to not love you. You have your good points. But there are times when I know that the bad toxic things between us outweigh them. And I’m fine with knowing that.


I have good friends and a good life. I don’t need you to be the focus anymore. This week fucking hurt and I’m sure christmas will hurt even more.  But I’m prepared for it. I will still try. I will fail but I will still try. That’s not for you.  You’ve had you’re 5 years. You don’t get the moment this time. Maybe there’s one waiting. Maybe there is not. 


Right now I choose Not. You had your chance. Next week is not about you. The ring will stay at home. 

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