This Christmas (I'll Burn It To The Ground)

I’m hurting, but I can deal with it. Being ignored at Christmas sucks. I deserved better. This is status quo for the rest of my life tho. One day I’ll just grow cold and stop caring. Again. Probably better for all involved.

But Christmas is supposed to mean hope. I try to honour that. One day a year I won’t fight with you and I’ll always try to do something for the three of us. But if I’m not good enough. So be it.

I choose to be happy. That’s my Christmas in the casino with the loved one I’m with and busy taking care of right now. Dinner is still offered tomorrow I’ll let you know when in the morning. I’ll still try. But you being in my life isn’t dependant on me being happy, I’m happy anyways… I have a good life. I’ll continue to have a good and happy life.

You were missed this Christmas. I hope you and my son had a good one anyways. I brought one of his gifts if you decide to show up for dinner. I don’t expect you to. I will still offer. That’s my nature. Merry Christmas. Peace and joy. You’ll get another day of me not being angry at you, maybe a few more.

Merry Christmas, I love you both.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

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