Skip to main content

Wild Child,



I know how and what I am in this world. Seeing a band I’ve wanted to see for almost 35 years of my life reminded me how much I have not changed from the wild feral child I was when I met you. You met me broken and damaged and I never wanted to change from that. I wish I hadn’t. Being a better man lead to nothing but misery and ruin. I was better off being mean and on the run. Now I’m fucking nostalgic for the bad old days and not the ones where I ran the electric circus that is my life… those days at least I could control. I just know what was good in my life and how little of it we had together. Maybe one day that will change, i highly fucking doubt that possibility, I will never be something you can control, and you don’t even love me anyways, all you love is the idea of me, a very carefully cultivated idea and image of me that you have fooled yourself into being the truth, some days maybe I am him, some days I wish I was something better. Other days I know I’m someone worse.


The one thing I don’t have now that wild feral child that once loved you completely had that I don’t is heart and hope. Despite all the possibilities that would eventually lead to certain doom he was willing to fight for what he believed in and who he loved. I am not that boy anymore. I am done fighting most of my battles. But wildness and the feral mess that I am and always have been can return at any time. I know it scares you, I know it is one of the reasons we are not together. But it’s not the only reason. I am the only constant in your life and regardless of emotional and trauma bonds, I am the only that is pure and true in your life that has never betrayed you the way that you have me multiple fucking times, I don’t blame you tho. Everyone in your life betrays you, except for the two most important men in your life, me and him. And even then I wonder…


I don’t need you in my life, I never have, except for a brief moment where we’re standing in the fire burning like wildfire. I want you in my life, I always have.  But here’s the fucking catch. You want it on your terms, but you know deep down inside that any return to that which you deem normality between the two of us… it will always be on my terms, and you aren’t ready yet. 


I don’t lose sleep anymore that you aren’t an active part of my life, the way I once used to. And I sure fuck don’t care about earning you’re validation anymore. As i said in the letter I wrote you almost four years ago I have nothing left to prove to you, him maybe. But you it’s an entirely different animal. If anything you have something to prove to me…


…Till that day, I don’t give a damn.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Threat.

I an not a nice person. I am not polite or nice. I am scary and intimidating and I draw power from that fact.  You fuck with the people I love and hurt them, I’m going to damage you in kind. I want people afraid of me. It means I’m respected. It means you’re intimidated. I would rather be horrifying damaged and leave with nothing if it gives me the power and the freedom to protect my friend’s and family.  Keep in mind a man with nothing to lose once had everything slip thru his fingers. And I have no fucking problem being a threat, to you, to my enemies, to society. You name it. I simply don’t care. The best defence has always been to confront and attack whatever the source of the problem. It hasn’t always brought me victory but at some point it’s brought me peace knowing that I’ve never backed down or done anything to hurt anyone. Just responded to what has happened to me and the ones I love. You don’t want to be my enemy. It’s a bad place to be. And once you are marked as su...
Post a Comment
Read more