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All Outta Angst.

I dont care anymore, there is nothing to fight in my life anymore. No one cares and nothing but organized and controlled chaos on the street. I’m done fighting, I hung up my boots long ago. Theres nothing in this world to be angry enough to bother with. I just feel apathetic. Once upon a time I thought I was going to change the world and I wrote poems to that effect, and now I can’t even be bothered to hang amongst the humans of Hamilton for any longer than I have to. No wonder I lost weight and went pale this summer. I used to like the art stuff and being connected to it as a busker. But it’s just a reflection of what this country is becoming a and worst case, I don’t care. My younger version would have railed and spoke his mind on all this shit.. I would have rebelled. That’s all I was ever good for. Being the rebel. 

Now I post on fucking instagram and remember my glory days when I was someone, and something. We all know how that Ended, multiple cities, multiple times. 

Im not sure how much longer I can remain in the hammer. The amount of Darwin Award winners at super-crawl really got to me. I’m losing faith in humanity. The problem is there was never any humanity to behind with. 

Thirty years ago I would have railed against the machine. Ten years ago I would have still been angry. Now I just don’t care. I just want to protect the little personal I have and the few moments that remind me of who I once was.

I’m not him any more, I’m not angry and angst anymore. I’m just apathetic. There was something lost along the way. I chose to stop fighting. I never chose to lose my ideals or stop speaking out. But this real apathy for everyone and everything is new. 

I just don’t care. I’m simply existing until I don’t. No expectations and I am watching the street I grew up on and the city I grew up and the country I love turn into something else. This isn’t home, it never was. It is just somewhere I’m constantly passing thru. I haven’t lived here in my heart since I was 15. And that bullshit at 18, led where? Hamilton isn’t home. And what’s more i don’t care.

The only things of worth left in this city are the memories of me and My Son on the mountain. Otherwise there’s nothing left here for me. There never has been. I remain because of responsibility. But I don’t like my hometown anymore. I’m sad, it’s turned into something I hate. But no more fighting. I just don’t care. 

Maybe one day the door will open and I can leave. As long as my brother is safe and taken care of.. maybe there is something out there to escape too. I fucking doubt it. Niagara is a little too in love with status quo and Windsor is a no man’s land. Good old Nicholas, I don’t just burn bridges in the places I live, I take gasoline to the ambassador bridge and light my entire life in the place I used to live aflame. 

I’m surprised she’s kept me grounded as long as she has. I don’t keep roots and i don’t look back. There is a reason for that. Maybe once again its time to go nomad and find somewhere else to be. Someone else to be. 

Not sure if that’s the answer but this status quo of apathy and doing awesome things that are forgot in hours. I just want to hold onto to the little I have. But I don’t care about the fucking government or the fact that this is not the Canada I expected my son to grow up in. I wish I cared more. I wish i could still be a voice. That’s been beaten out of me, it wasn’t life. I was forced to be silent. I was never lying when I told you I knew where the bodies where buried. The universe just took its time to prove me right. I just wish I cared more to still fight for a world that isn’t just, it isn’t anything. It’s just being accepted. High prices and gouging, no one cares about there fellow human beings.  

If they don’t care, neither do I. I’m just sad the fact that the Angst and Anger is all gone, there was something of value there was lost. Maybe my life is better now that I’ve decided to be like every other robot in the factory. But there was something there that stood for something, something that kept me strong when I had all that angst. 

And now its all gone. The world can save itself. I’m content to sit on my corner playing guitar and watch the world burn. It will eat itself. What 

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