The Future is a Foreign Land

We don't hate each other, we aren't enemies. we are simply something else. what that is I don't know, at this very moment i don't think i care because you're daily life doesn't affect me. just like mine doesn't affect yours. but this future planning we discuss shouldn't come after the end. I have always deserved better, and I know my value. thats why we weren't together then, thats why we aren't together now.

you are jealous that i survived and i have a good life and do cool and awesome things without you and him, but heres the thing... you should be at my side doing those things with me. that option is coming. i haven't decided to close the door on it yet... but i have decided to call your bluff on it sometime soon. thats where i am at. i am calling my shot. either we will have a moment in the next few months or we will not and you'll be left wanting and waiting again.

I told you on the telephone, its on my terms now... and there are terms and conditions to be met. we aren't there yet. we are just close. and maybe i want to surprise you and change things. maybe I dont. maybe i like the ambiguity of it all.

i want to give us a moment but I'm not sure you're ready. I'm not sure i want to be that vulnerable and give you my soul agian if its just another knife in the back. changing things means i have to trust you again. It doesn't matter if I love you.

thats the question about our future now. it is a foreign land. the only thing i know fir sure is that it cannot continue to be a status quo that neither of us enjoys.

we will see. you have twenty days. i'm going to have fun till then. I'm glad you took my son to that concert. i would have asked you that night. But every Night its always going to on my terms. the future isn't set yet, we haven't decided on the road we will chose yet. but we will soon.

There are reasons that i don't care, and reasons that i do.. the countdown to the dark ages has begun.

The Future is not Set. There is no fate but what we make.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Search This Blog