You are not part of my reality and have not been by your own personal choice in almost two decades. Why would I reverse course now? I am a fucking ghost to you and him. Maybe that is the way things should fucking remain.
I’d rather be dead than deal with the whirlwind of emotions every-time you call. Do you honestly think that I don’t get angry with all your bullshit and imagination. One of us lives in reality and the other makes shit up. The problem is you’re unreality is affecting my reality. I’m no longer going to entertain illusions. Give me something to consider that is real and not the fantasyland world that you live in. Maybe I can consider something then.
Till then, assume I’m dead agian. It worked out better for us when I was dead and gone. I never expected you back in my life after 2017. Maybe that’s where it should have ended for me. You didn’t strike the fatal blow but you might as well have.
All the fake apologies in this world will never ever make up for the fact that you opened the door to my eventual destruction. You may have destroyed my character, and reputation but I rebuilt those things. It took a long time.
I’m the only one that can self destruct, and I’m still standing. But I might as well be a dead man because that’s the reality you’re giving illusions created. I think it’s time for me to hate you agian until you get some serious mental health help.
I ghost people for a lot less than what you have put me thru. You may have been the love of my life once, but you have also used my worst enemy as a weapon against me, see I don’t ever give you that designation. I’ve been at war with children’s aid long before you were ever a glimmer in my eye. You were just the final solution to shut me up by threatening to affect the only thing in this world I give a damn about.
Newsflash, it isn’t you. It’s only him. Remember that.
I only care about you’re and his safety at this point. I mean let’s be realistic you discarded me like nothing over Christmas 19 fucking years ago. You have no say or no influence in my life, you use a tenuous connection I hardly have any more with my son you destroyed 12 years ago completely to still be a part of my life.
You expect me not to be angry and be looking elsewhere? You expect me to trust you? All of those things were off the table years ago. The moment you chose someone else over me to carry my fucking child with. April to July 2003/4 was the best year of my life. You were gone. I was a ghost. That’s exactly where I belong in terms of you’re life. Dead and fucking buried. But you know what? That year I was fucking happy and uncomplicated. I haven’t been able to say that since, except for the brief moment we attempted to be parents together.
But that was always about what you wanted. I haven’t forgotten how you threw me away on New Year’s Eve, or the career that you destroyed. I had forgiven you, but trusting you has never ever been part of the cards. I always expect the knife in the back. That’s why I fade away, because you being in my life without any true commitment just hurts. I’m good without you.
I am sick of your illusions and you’re insanity’s affecting my life from afar. It’s even worse when you try to pretend to be in my life. I’m just fed up. I need to be dead to you. That’s the only way I’ll ever lose the chokehold on my emotions you seem to have on me.
I don’t chase pipe dreams or lost causes. At 47 I am too damn old to be playing games with a woman and a mother that has a couple of years on me, and should know better. But that would require you living in the real world and we already know that only one of us lives in this reality. It would be so easy to destroy you the way you have damaged me, over and over and agian and agian…
…but those would be the actions of a weaker man. I have little but I have always had my honour and I’ve never seeked to destroy you. There would be no point. You are still the most important person in my sons life. Until that changes I’m good being dead to you and chasing my own mental health and physical peace. I’m done fighting my wars, especially the ones I was forced to fight with you. It’s very giving clear that you have only begun to fight some of those battles. Most of them only within you’re own head.
I’m out. No more fighting with you, i don’t have energy for that. I have my own responsibilities and battles to fight for someone else to keep him healthy. I don’t need you and you’re mental health dragging me down. And that’s what it is… you being my little broken bird, but no matter what I do.. I’ll never be able to fix what’s wrong with you, because it started long before we were ever a thing… and it’s likely generational.
The only thing I can promise you is that while I may not always like it, I’ll always answer that call… but there are moments we could go back to the status quo of me being dead to you. It was easier then.
At some point it just stops. Maybe it’s time.
Goodbye.
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