Haunted V: Dead End

I am sick of being you’re emotional support animal, I’m going to live my life and have fun with my friends and family and stop trying to save something you took away almost 20 years ago for a second time. The first time you didn’t even give me a fucking choice. I’m not one to hold grudges but I also want the freedom To go and be elsewhere. I’ve always been the living emotional tie you need in you’re life without any of the fucking benefits.

We are too fucking old for mind games, we are too old to pretend like this is going to go anywhere but a dead end. You have always made that choice and you get fucking jealous of illusions. Once again I’m not even fucking allowed to have friends. That didn’t work out so well for us when we lived together, what makes you think trying to control my friend’s and my emotions and feelings towards Them is going to do for you now?

I won’t care. I don’t care. I’m not always going to be there as much as you want me to be. Because in you’re head I’ll never be what you want. This is the hell you created. And sadly you created it for all fucking three of us.

If you’re supposedly done, be done. Because I got sick of trying years ago when you ruined my last actual relationship. I thought you were more important and that I could save what was left of my family. The reality is I’ve chased a fucking pipe dream for years, and you’re jealous of the nothing that I have.

That’s me, I’ll make glitter out of garbage and always see the better parts of this life. I’m done living for anyone else’s wants or dreams, I thought once upon a time just being here might eventually fix you. But you’ll never open that door and I’m starting to not care enough to kick it open.

I thought there was a certain beauty in waiting but all it has done is postpone the inevitable. You want control and I’ll never willingly hand it over. That’s not how this works, that’s not how this will ever work.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

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